I've decided I'm leaving tomorrow

[leavingtomorrow]

My ex has finally destroyed me to the point where I feel I have no choice but to leave everything to him. I have five children with him and since we split he has blamed me for ruining his life. I left after 20 years and he moved out to live with my mother, very close by but he's still controlling every aspect of my life. Tonight after more abuse from him I have decided that I will leave and let him have everything that he wants. Hopefully the children will understand one day that I have done this as the only way to get away from the stress that is killing me

Thank you for all your kind advice
I've spoken to my local women's aid, they had a 24hr number I didn't know existed. I now have the mobile number of a woman who will support me through this

I've seen the solicitor and he advices pushing ahead with the divorce and some good advice to get him out of mum's house, she is in agreement so hopefully he'll be gone to his mum's soon, although it's three hours away so he's making me feel really guilty about him not seeing the children

I have a doctors appointment which even my solicitor suggested and told me to tell them everything

I feel so guilty for leaving and ruining everyone's lives

Guilt is totally pointless. Stop with that right now. Presumably you left for a reason. Not just for kicks.

I'd also take whatever help the go offers.

Thanks @Wallywobbles I have taken the beta blockers they offered but mainly because my normally low blood pressure is through the roof

I can't risk feeling worse on starting antidepressants even if it is only for anxiety

Everyone is being so nice but I still feel overwhelmed

There was a time when I had to just focus on putting one foot in front of the other, taking 5 minutes at a time, doing the next right thing.

Thankfully it did pass, this too shall pass. You are not alone x

We are all here for you. Don’t leave your kids! You can do this x

We're all behind you @leavingtomorrow if you ever feel a waver, come back to this thread and we'll be behind you! You got this!! ❤️

You can do this OP. Keep posting. Keep speaking to womens aid. Dont let this sick abusive fuck break you down.

The police have told me tonight that even though they fully support me and want me to report any new incidents, I can't technically be a victim of coercive control because we aren't living together or in an intimate relationship, so anyone who is still married but separated and not living together can't be a victim of this particular crime, the only thing they can do him for is harassment which currently doesn't meet the threshold for arrest

I'm surprised to say the least and this isn't what I was led to believe last time I reported

Hi, sorry, jumping in having not read the entire thread but re your last - kick off with the police. Whoever the hell has told you that about coercive control clearly needs re training. A domestic incident includes anyone who has been in a sexual relationship. And coercive control is still a domestic incident. Even if you aren't in a relationship now.

www.cps.gov.uk/domestic-abuse

Feel free to quote the above to them which specifically says it can be an ex and refers to coercive behaviour. Ring back. Quote it. You shouldn't have to, but please don't give up and make sure they listen. If they don't ask to make a complaint, request a reference number for your complaint and threaten to go to the IOPC. They'll do what they should then. If they don't, which would amaze me, go to the IOPC.

Sorry you're in this situation, please fight.

Please do what Need said OP, the police aren't perfect and they do get it wrong sometimes, this is one of those times. It's shit that you have to fight for the help you're entitled to but this is too important to even think about giving up now.

Thanks for that @Needsomebottle
I'm feeling particularly low this morning as my ex is planning to take a whole bunch of old messages into the police station today to prove I'm bonkers

Please don't let that worth you, they (sadly) see this stuff all the time and do look into both sides. as Hiding said, they do get it wrong sometimes, and did on this occasion, but they aren't daft and will hear you out too.

Have only read pages 1 and 3 so soz if I’ve missed anything.

OP there is a charity who can assist you, for free, in obtaining court orders against your ex. You may be able to get a non-molestation order, which will basically stop him coming anywhere near you or contacting you. Contact with the kids can be facilitated by a third party. Breaching a non-mol is an arrestable offence.

You can also get something called a prohibited steps order, which will stop your ex trying to take the kids.

The organization are called DV Assist, and it sounds like they would definitely be worth a phone call in your case. They won’t dismiss you like the police, because unlike the police they know the law and they want to help.

www.dvassist.org.uk/

Hang in there. Bonkers text messages mean nothing criminally so let him do his worst, the police will probably laugh at him. He is trying to grind you down, dig deep, fight back as best you can and look after yourself.

OP, your children need you. I agree with the previous poster who said you need to go no contact with him. Everything should go through your solicitor.

Sending you warm thoughts and strength.

Actually there’s three orders on that page that will probably apply to you. Have a look and jump on the blower. Drag in all the help you can get. My ex has done something similar with me, although I have DS. Once you’re out of that house it’ll be very difficult to get what you’re entitled to, and although you’re not bothered now, there will come a day when you are, because you’ll see the nasty tricks he’s pulled and the rewards he’s got from doing it.

No solicitor on the planet would advise you to give up assets that belong to you, and if they day ever does come when you have to claim anything it’ll cause you massive problems if you do give away assets. You’ll end up in the shit while he’s sitting pretty at your expense.

My ex has done basically this, although I haven’t given up trying to get what’s rightfully mine. In court he told the judge that it’s his house and I deserve what I get because I chose to leave him. I guarantee that is also your ex’s attitude and it’s wrong. You left him because he was a twat and made, is continuing to make your life hell. He doesn’t deserve a house as a reward for that. He’ll probably do what my ex has done and move another woman in to abuse.

Get all the heavy artilary you can to deal with him, because big guns are the only thing these men understand. Fortify yourself so heavily that he doesn’t dare try any shit, otherwise he’ll not stop until you have nothing and he has everything, and he might not stop then.

Please think of the future OP. I’m 6 years down the track with this shit, I’ve spent thousands of solicitors, pretty much every penny I have and I’m still precisely no further forward than I was 6 years ago. He has our house, with his live in working partner, and me and DS have moved 3 times into ever tinier flats. IWe’re moving again next week into basically a broom cupboard. I never knew any help was available when I left my ex so I’ve done it all alone and it’s almost broken me, and I’m still no closer to getting things sorted. Please get all the help you can and make sure you don’t end up where I am because it’s fucking miserable.

Oh @Whatisthisfuckery that sounds awful for you, thanks for sharing, I am taking it all on board.

I'm trying to do the work I couldn't do yesterday so hopefully won't lose the job but it's hard.

On a positive note two beta blockers have already brought me BP down to below normal

@leavingtomorrow please don't be scared of Antidepressants. I wasn't going through the same level of mental torture and trauma as you but I was very depressed and the pills helped me see the wood for the trees. When you are completely overwhelmed everything becomes so much more difficult to sort out.

You are amazing - please let you employer know the troubles you are having - if they are halfway decent they will do anything they can to help you. It might also be an idea if you ex tries to tell them you are bonkers/mad/insane whatever.

Thanks @Blobby10 I don't feel amazing but I will keep trying

It looks like he might have agreed to move out of mum's this weekend but he's not happy about it, says I have ruined his life

We have a business together so I can't get signed off unfortunately

I'm speaking to my accountant later to find out the options about that

I'm glad you have had a good experience with anti d's I'm just so scared of the risk of suicidal thoughts to take them

@leavingtomorrow I was worried about that too - however as I was having suicidal thoughts anyway, I figured it would be worth the risk. There wasn't a point where I suddenly felt 'better' but it became easier to make decisions as separating my thoughts into a cohesive process became more straight forward.

Hadn't realised your work situation - that makes it even harder for you. I hope your accountant can suggest something. I managed to keep working throughout the worst of my depression but I work part time for family in an office on my own (part of the problem!) and didn't have to interact with people if I didn't want to. I much preferred numbers at that point as they don't ask anything of you other than to add them up correctly

Don't let him make you start thinking that you have ruined his life - you may find yourself heading down this road . It is NOT your fault that he is a controlling abuser.

💐 hugs. One day at a time.