I've decided I'm leaving tomorrow

[leavingtomorrow]

My ex has finally destroyed me to the point where I feel I have no choice but to leave everything to him. I have five children with him and since we split he has blamed me for ruining his life. I left after 20 years and he moved out to live with my mother, very close by but he's still controlling every aspect of my life. Tonight after more abuse from him I have decided that I will leave and let him have everything that he wants. Hopefully the children will understand one day that I have done this as the only way to get away from the stress that is killing me

Oh op. I feel for you so badly. A couple of hours until the kids are at school (I assume?) and then you can make your plans and try and get through to the local women's aid, or other services in your area.

I'd definitely start that list a poster suggested, when you can focus your brain.

For now, be kind to yourself and don't make any big decisions while you're so upset.

Right can you take some time off work? If so book at least a week now.

What's on your to do list?

If the lawyers are shit find better ones. So write a very good email and send it off and make appointments to see several others. Doesn't need to be particularly local. They need to be good. Specialists in abusive divorced.

Financially are you ok, it sounds like it? See a financial advisor about splitting the finances off. New bank accounts as necessary. Closing joint ones.

What can be done about the company?

You need your divorce to proceed. It's been 2 years of separation so he cannot stop it now.

Where are you re mediation? Find out about that. Hopefully you won't have to do it as he's abusive.

So your list of what you want as an outcome....? How's that coming?

It sounds like you need an injunction, quite frankly.

And to gain access the your share of the company's profits. Have you seen a copy of the accounts recently.

Are you seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist ? In your shoes I'd say that's a priority. He'll tell you it proves your mad/bad but that is not the view the courts will take at all. Quite the opposite. But for him it's a useful way to keep you down and scared.

You really need a better solicitor, you need one with teeth. Why are you giving him money ?

I've spoken to my local women's aid, I felt so bad because I woke the woman on call

I haven't been seeing a therapist because I'm not depressed or anything but ironically he has but then calls me insane

I will call my solicitor as soon as they open
I changed my will last week which pissed him off

Thank you everyone, I will try to get him out of mum's house today and then reassess leaving, my sister is quite fiery and has told me off

Oh OP its so difficult to see the wood for the trees when he is controlling you so much

Is your sister on your side?

How much money do you take from the business and keep the money of your own

Forget him and your mum unless there's a real reason not to. Just leave that to your sister to deal with. Divvy up the tasks that need to be dealt with.

Your aim is to be giving as close to zero headspace as possible.

To him.

He probably doesn't want to divorce because he will have to hand over half of everything!

Others may disagree with me but I think it is a waste of energy to try to get him out of your mothers house, you say she won't throw him out, well leave them to it and grey rock both for now.

It is a fight that you do not need and you have no control over what the two of them do anyway, so no point banging your head against a brick way. Your better points of focus are financial adviser and a good bulldog of a solicitor, you also need emotional support so maybe a visit to your GP and referral to counselling to help you get back on track.

I have 100% faith you can do this OP, if you ever feel doubt you have people here that believe in you.

I have decided to stay put for now
Solicitor at 12
Logged with police, waiting a call back
Doctors later
I have work to do but I think I can get access to my computer because he's got a meeting in London later
Would a non molestation order help?

@AlmostAJillSandwich he wants my money unfortunately, he hasn't got anything
When we entered the marriage we earnt the same, we have worked together for the last 25 years, on leaving the marriage my income is zero and he is a high earner facilitated by me looking after the children
And he wants me to buy him out of a house that had zero equity until I spent 150k on it
Where do you think I stand with that?

Last night I was prepared to sign it all over to him just to get rid of him but maybe I should fight more

Your children need the nice, non sadistic parent. Even if you feel a mess you are BETTER FOR THEM THAN HIM. Stay with your children, please. So sad that men do this. Big hugs.

Thanks @Fizzysours
I'm trying to be strong for them but I feel a wreck

Your soon to be ex is using your kids to get at you. He isn’t good for them. He just knows how to manipulate them and when he finds no use for them he won’t fight for them like you do.

Don’t let him take them to be his tools.

I haven't said a bad word about him but he is trying to destroy me

I really hope he hasn't phoned SS

Stay strong and get your sister on to him.
She sounds like great support.

Op phone SS first and let them know that he is trying to sabotage your right to parent your children. Cover your own back

Can you also inform your kids school that there is a bit of a situation at home that you are dealing with and feeling weak at the moment due abuse from ex and that your kids need extra support if possible.

If you have some cash to spare could you hire a nanny 2 hours a day or so or a cleaner to reduce the work load on yourself?

Can any of your friends or sister stay with you for the week ?

Please please please don’t leave them. They NEED YOU!!! You said yourself that he’s controlling, he’ll turn that on them and ruin their little lives. Keep trying women’s aid they will help you and lean on you sis.🍀💙

Please dont leave them. My current boss ended up leaving her children from her first marriage. The husband was abusive and wouldn't leave so she saw no other way. He turned the children against her, she was left with nothing. Years later her relationship is okay but it took alot of time and work, and they still bring up things that their dad had said and did to them. Do not leave them

Every time my kids said daddy says I would say so what do you think. They knew that I never ever lie so that helped them to draw their own conclusions.