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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dreading MIL visit

58 replies

Belfield · 30/06/2019 14:37

I don't have a good relationship with my MIL. I find her very bossy and controlling. She lives abroad so when we see each other it is usually for a week or two weeks. I cope by just doing whatever she wants as this makes for an easier life but her behaviour is just getting worse. She is v negative about my parenting and has very little positive to say to me. There is a language barrier but the only conversation she ever wants to have is what I cook for DS and DH, how I clean etc. It's then followed by how easy my life is and how hard hers is. She follows me around pointing out everything I have done wrong. DH doesn't like the way she is but does nothing about it. We bought a house recently and she is coming to visit for ten days and I am absolutely dreading it. Any tips on how to cope?

OP posts:
Whathappenedtooursummer · 30/06/2019 14:43

Would investing in ear plugs and just nodding a lot be useful? Men like your dh give me the rage tbh. He is married to you and should not accept her treating you so shabby. The mn saying of:
Did you mean to be so rude - would be a great starting line.
Followed by a flounce to the shops if she continues, leave her to dh.

Another tip on here is Gin.....

SnuggyBuggy · 30/06/2019 14:47

I'd be tempted to pretend she is a toddler

loseitnotlooseit · 30/06/2019 14:53

Go and stay with your own mum or a friend for a large chunk of her visit.

LizzieSiddal · 30/06/2019 14:59

I’d speak to Dh and decide together how to get through this. If you feel like a team she won’t beable to get to you as much. I do understand why your DH might find it hard to stand up to her, he will have had to put with her behaviour since childhood.

Can you have a few phrases ready to say to her, such as-

-Please don’t follow me around, I’m trying to get on with this.

-That’s the way we do things nowadays.

Also could you keep her busy be asking her to help you and Dh?

SuzieQ10 · 30/06/2019 15:09

Second vote for going to stay with your family / friends for a few days during this visit. It's not easy to host difficult people for as long as 10 days.

pusspuss9 · 30/06/2019 15:17

If you have a language barrier she possibly comes from somewhere which has a different culture to you, not just regarding 'housewifery' but also possibly saying what you think.

I'm British but have lived in Germany for many years and the Germans tend to say what they think without dancing about the bush. They tend to be direct and if they think you're doing something the wrong way they will tell you, usually adding a few hints on the 'right' way to do it. This is not considered at all rude. In fact they are often incredulous that the Brits would rather die than mention anything that upsets them. In fact my daughter that has been bought up here often says of the Brits 'you can't believe a word they say because they wouldn't dream of telling the truth if it were unpalatable'
I'm pointing this out as an example (not inferring your MIL is German) so maybe making 'ignoring' her easier for you to do.

SavingSpaces2019 · 30/06/2019 16:31

How about speaking up for yourself and telling her exactly what you think of her?
Your husband can either stand up for you or fuck off and take his nasty mother with him.

The more accomodating you are and the more you keep your mouth shut - the more shit you're going to get from both of them.

AgentJohnson · 30/06/2019 16:37

How about speaking up for yourself and telling her exactly what you think of her?
Your husband can either stand up for you or fuck off and take his nasty mother with him.

This, I don’t have much time for spineless men and the witches that raise them.

pusspuss9 · 30/06/2019 16:44

Quite frankly I don't think it would be a good idea to tell her exactly what you think of her.
I'm guessing you don't see her very often so if you can just carry on doing things your way without having a huge family row which would upset everybody for years to come, then that is the route I would go down.

ravenmum · 30/06/2019 17:15

You don't have to "tell her what you think of her" if that means "I think you're bossy", but I would actually advise being honest about what she says and does. Show her that it is not OK for her to be rude; as you don't see her often, you can be honest without having to put up with her sulking for weeks afterwards. It's not only children who react well to boundaries being set.

"Don't question my parenting in front of the children, it confuses them."
"No more conversations about X."
"I'm not discussing that any more."
"I'm busy cleaning. Why don't you go for a walk in the park?"

Original poster
Belfield · 30/06/2019 17:25

The problem with speaking up is the language barrier. She will speak and my husband will translate but water it down and then later tell me what she said. A lot of her behavior is crying, sulking and demanding how she wants things done with my husband trying to placate her. I will do something and she will start shouting in her native tongue. She will be screaming my name so it is clear it is about me. The atmosphere is terrible when she is unhappy. She thinks that eating out is a waste of money so when we brought her for lunch she got angry and refused to eat demanding we go home and that I make her dinner like a proper guest. She is east European but my husbands friends mother don’t behave like her so I don’t think it’s strictly a cultural thing. I like the idea of staying away but I did this last time and she got v upset saying it was the height of disrespect. I think I will have to suck it up, it’s ten days in a year. She won’t change and I don’t want an atmosphere with DS.

OP posts:
BazaarMum · 30/06/2019 17:26

Where is she from? It may help people shed light if it’s a cultural thing.

I’ve had similar for years, although it’s more subtle than you describe. I limit length of visits, plan time when I’m not there every day so DH has to host, and spend a lot of time saying ‘yes he does need to eat now/sleep now/be in the pram/breastfeed...’ etc. until I’m blue in the face.

Also a lot of ‘that is the guidance now’ and ‘this is what works for us’.

I actually can’t bear it though. It’s so undermining.

BazaarMum · 30/06/2019 17:28

Just seen your update. Don’t suck it up, assert yourself. She is being horribly rude to refuse to eat out. Screaming and crying, wtf?

I’d be saying to her that if she can’t behave in your home she leaves. And make sure DH translates that and backs you up!

ravenmum · 30/06/2019 17:29

Tell him not to translate? Then if she starts shouting anything, just say "Stop that". Do a face like you are a sensible adult and she is behaving childishly. If she cries, frown, purse your lips and shake your head.
Maybe she's mentally ill?

Hadalifeonce · 30/06/2019 17:31

Can you not learn a few choice phrases in her language.
Don't be rude
Stop shouting
Please leave me alone.

Might take the wind out her sails.

readitandwept · 30/06/2019 17:32

She sounds like a total bitch. I would not be pandering to that, not a chance in hell. Who is she to talk about "disrespect", acting like that in your home?

ravenmum · 30/06/2019 17:32

I put up with some very cheeky behaviour from my ex ILs because they were German and I thought it was a cultural difference. But now I've been here 27 years, and I've met a lot of different Germans, and I realise I was mistaken about it being a cultural difference. It was just cheeky. After my ex had his affair I was quite impatient with them, and lo and behold now they are much less cheeky. Don't let anyone get away with the "cultural differences" excuse.

ravenmum · 30/06/2019 17:34

I did this last time and she got v upset saying it was the height of disrespect.
And then what happened, did the sky fall in? Or did you just continue your life as usual?
She is not respecting you; you have no reason to be respectful to her. So let her think you're disrespectful.

Sparkletastic · 30/06/2019 17:40

Bullies can't get away with it so easily if you continually and calmly reinforce your boundaries and assert yourself. I promise it feels better to do this than just taking the abuse and the more you do it the easier it gets.

EKGEMS · 30/06/2019 17:52

Your husband is really the problem here I'd never let anyone in my family treat him like you are! She's unhinges by the sound of it. Bless you. Good luck

Original poster
Belfield · 30/06/2019 18:18

@Hadalifeonce that’s a good idea I think I will learn a few phrases. Leave me alone in particular as she stands over me watching everything I do, tutting and sniggering, when husband is not there. She does suffer from anxiety and is on medication. I have friends with anxiety who are lovely so I find it difficult to say that’s the only reason. Whenever my husband talks to her she says that’s just her culture, she is a woman who is passionate about family and she sees me as her daughter so anything she does is with love. Which is BS. She is quite obsessive about her two sons. Her other son, who is 46, lives with her, doesn’t work, doesn’t have any friends and just spends his time with her. When she visits or when I visit it is very clear to me that she sees me as a threat. I think my DH actually likes the way she behaves at times, he associates the possessiveness as love and the dynamic between us shifts when she is around.

OP posts:
MzHz · 30/06/2019 18:22

So she wants you there so she can bully you.

Height of rudeness is behaving like a spoilt toddler instead of a guest.

If she doesn’t like the way you do things, tell her to go and stay in a hotel.

You have a DH problem. He needs to stop her coming to see you and stay in your house or learn how to behave when she does, or he’ll drop her back at the airport

leckford · 30/06/2019 18:32

Take the kids get on a bus and go somewhere you can stay until she is gone, sounds a nasty piece of work

GhostRidersInDisguise · 30/06/2019 18:38

You've got the flu coming OP. You look really flushed and hot! That cough too!

Blimey the last time I had it I was in bed for ten days straight so take care now!

Original poster
Belfield · 30/06/2019 18:46

@GhostRidersInDisguise lol, she would probably jump in bed beside me to help take care of her daughter who is sick because she eats badl cooked food 😃

OP posts:
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