Dreading MIL visit

[Belfield]

I don't have a good relationship with my MIL. I find her very bossy and controlling. She lives abroad so when we see each other it is usually for a week or two weeks. I cope by just doing whatever she wants as this makes for an easier life but her behaviour is just getting worse. She is v negative about my parenting and has very little positive to say to me. There is a language barrier but the only conversation she ever wants to have is what I cook for DS and DH, how I clean etc. It's then followed by how easy my life is and how hard hers is. She follows me around pointing out everything I have done wrong. DH doesn't like the way she is but does nothing about it. We bought a house recently and she is coming to visit for ten days and I am absolutely dreading it. Any tips on how to cope?

I will do something and she will start shouting in her native tongue. She will be screaming my name so it is clear it is about me
She's a nasty, manipulative bully OP - that's why i advised that YOU tell her exactly what you think of her - and damn the repercussions.

Your husband is the main problem though because he's enabling his mother in her abuse of you.
In fact he doesn't even recognize it as abuse.

If you don't stand up to her now, then you're in for a hell of a ride over the coming years - especially as your dc gets older.
Your husband will continue to enable her - and in the future he will condition your dc into this bullshit too.

She might not understand the language - but i bet she understands tone of voice and body language!
So just let rip at her, tell her off when she says/does something to piss you off.

I think you're going to find that your husband won't like you standing up to his mother and he will give you shit for it.....because he's an enabler.

Telling her to F Off is understood by anyone, there would be no language barrier with that.

Why doesn't your Dh go to visit her instead? I wouldn't put up with it. It's your house, you don't need to suck up 10 days of shit from her. I agree with pp who suggest a bit of your own screaming. If Dh is annoyed with you ask him how it's ok for his mother to do it to you?

Joking apart I would tell her to fuck off and see if she understands that. You are being abused by both husband and MIL.

I would probably pat her on the head, or pinch her cheek and laugh at her when she goes off on one. Treat her like the spoilt little brat she wants to be.

@Drum2018 the last time she was here she created such a drama over the fact that I made a bedtime snack for my DS and didn’t offer her one that I told DH I wouldn’t be using my valuable annual leave (I work ft) to be abused by her so wouldn’t be visiting and haven’t since. Last two years my DH visits with DS. She is coming because we bought a house without consulting her (her words) and she wants to see it. Hopefully after this I won’t see her for another three years. I think I should consider shouting back. I don’t really shout in general though. I agree I have a DH problem as he definitely doesn’t back me up. In fact, he puts pressure on me to placate her and keep the peace.

You blame the language barrier and too soft husband but why haven't you learned some of the language? Or at the very least tap into a translate app and play her in her own language what you want to tell her? Perhaps even record/save somewhere some key phrases

"That's not how we do things"
"This way works better for us"
"This is what suits our family"
"Please don't be so rude"
"Do not speak to me like that!"
"Stop shouting!"

Politely but assertively.

Your dh can't complain because he is not getting the matter addressed. So if he does make it clear he had his chance and basically blew it! So now you've taken it into your own hands.

Stop pussy footing around her and placating her - that's not working anyway!

Your home your rules.

But dh also needs told that you won't be pandering to her nonsense! And that he should be supporting you when she is being rude and disrespectful to you in your home.

Your husband needs to tell her she is behaving disgracefully towards you in your own home and that he will not allow it to continue.

If he is not prepared to do this, then you have a real problem

Type some key phrases (good suggestions upthread) into Google translate, print them out and hold them up in front of her face as appropriate.

If you tell her in English (your h can translate if he’s there) “I will not put up with a second more of your rudeness in my own home, either shut up and be grateful you’re here, or get THE FUCK out of my house and don’t ever come back”

Hold the door open. There is no need for subtitles for that

Blow your stack, be rude, take no shit.

How else will you regain control in your own home in Your life

This is your dh fault- he hasn’t got your back, so it’s time for you to step up and be the matriarch of your own household.

Give as good as you get op. She may stop visiting!!

Send you support OP! My MIL is European and a complete nightmare too. The best way I've found to cope is to suddenly be very busy with work and prior engagements when she stays once a year.
It doesn't get easier but I just ignore her most of the time and celebrate when she's gone.
The last visit was the hardest as she'd spent weeks before saying how she wanted to do things with DS who's 1. She spent most of the time in bed or sitting down doing nothing with him except questioning why he did certain things and why I was parenting the way I am blah blah blah 🙄
I also pretend not to understand or be able to respond which sounds horrible but I just can't face having to have a conversation.
Don't even get me started on FIL who can't even get my name right after nearly 10 years.

I put up with similar for over 16 years!
In the end I just used to pretend she wasn't there.

You need to learn...
“Shut up!”
“Stop shouting!”
“This is my house!!!”
And
“Go to your room!!!”
(“Go home!!!” also handy!!!)
Have a phrase book or google translate ready to go!!!

I’ve just had my inlaws over for 6 weeks and it was the worst experience of my life & not to mention it’s messed up our relationship / marriage more. Men really need to sort them selves out in this scenario - my OH has been a total dick in handling it and putting pressure on me after just having a baby. You’re better off without her around he needs to see this is not ok. It’s mental torture having people like this in your space.

No, I do not think you should be rude.

Presumable each time she criticises your actions, your Oh is translating for you. Explain calmly to him why you're doing as you are and ask him to translate for his mother, and then continue as you are.

Behaving like an adult is the way forward in my opinion. I'm horrified by all the suggestions of total rudeness. I can only assume that the people recommending it have never worked in business or ever learned how to deal with awkward situations . It may be that you have to employ other methods later but to start with a rude response is never the right way.

Why are you taking leave for her visits ? no way would I waste my holiday on being given a hard time...DH can take leave and host her... at least if you're at work you miss hours of grief

I would go away - so what if she doesnt like it..... as someone said earlier did the sky fall in ...no you're still here

Your DH is a big part of this problem - if he's not going to stand up for you then tell him to quit with the translation ....
especially the full details later.... I woudl be telling him before she comes -not to translate anything negative cos you're not interested.... and when he starts just say not interested /walk away put headphones on...

Sometimes you have to resort to total rudeness even if it's totally against what you would normally do. Some people are so thick skinned (or just thick), it's the only thing they understand.

Pusspuss9 This situation has nothing to do with business or dealing with this ghastly woman in a way that is formed in order to maintain some sort of friendly relationship in the future! The OP is being roundly abused by this woman in her own home and her 'DH' is mis-interpreting deliberately what is said in order to keep the peace.
I have plenty of people facing skills from business and I would tell her to fuck off in no uncertain terms! The two are unconnected. This is domestic abuse plain and simple. MIL is not about to become the next chairman of Q8 oil FFS!

I am wondering if there is an aggravating factor that DH is being protective of though to the OP's detriment

Hi Ghostriders,

well it's a good job you're not working for the company I worked for as a 'Fuck off' to anybody would see you out the door in seconds.
As an aside, I do not always agree with the way my dil always does things. I might carefully mention it explaining my reasons why. She sometimes does not agree with me, and will explain why she's doing it her way. That's fine, she continues in her way. We both still like each other and I would also say we're very fond of each other. A few 'fuck off's from me would have definitely soured the atmosphere for ever though.

It depends on whether there is a relationship to be salvaged. It doesn't sound like there is in this case

I think a civilised heart to heart can salvage a lot of things , if only to agree to disagree .

It's important to understand why the other person thinks as they do. Resorting to a slanging match is destructive rather than constructive.

It depends on the other person, you can't reason with crazy, you just drive yourself crazy in the process

you have a point there Snuggy. Sometimes you just have to turn your back and walk away. One of the most interesting courses I ever did was on that very subject.

p.s. it doesn't seem from the above case there has been any real explanation to each other from either side in order to diffuse the situation, made more difficult of course because of the language barrier. Her husband needs to step in and understand his role as being the translator and also I would imagine seeing to some extent where both sides are coming from. I imagine mil is genuinely bewildered by the situation as well as the OP.