Dreading MIL visit

[Belfield]

I don't have a good relationship with my MIL. I find her very bossy and controlling. She lives abroad so when we see each other it is usually for a week or two weeks. I cope by just doing whatever she wants as this makes for an easier life but her behaviour is just getting worse. She is v negative about my parenting and has very little positive to say to me. There is a language barrier but the only conversation she ever wants to have is what I cook for DS and DH, how I clean etc. It's then followed by how easy my life is and how hard hers is. She follows me around pointing out everything I have done wrong. DH doesn't like the way she is but does nothing about it. We bought a house recently and she is coming to visit for ten days and I am absolutely dreading it. Any tips on how to cope?

pps. It's obvious OP has to continue to do things her way. She's the mother but her OP should also have a say in the upbringing - he's the father. They should decide on this between them and the mil should not be involved.

She sounds unhinged. My parents try to parent me when they come over and I suck it up because it isn't often but it's kindly, even if unwanted, advice.

My ex MIL is a narcissist and after a few years I realised that it didn't matter what o did or didn't do, she would still bitch about me. It wasn't about being helpful, it was about her being number 1, so I stopped trying. She then refused to come into our house or have me in her house (,result). After a year, when she wasn't getting the attention she needed, she would intermittently message me, send me stuff, sometimes abusive and sometimes a peace offering. I never spoke to her again.

How is your relationship with your husband? My ex was very damaged by his mother

Has your mil spent some of her life under communism or the after effects of communism?

I know from a close relative that did this, it has coloured to some extent the way she runs her household (years of not being able to get certain foods without long queues, summers spent bottling and preserving foods , being uncomfortable about any waste) . It can also colour the way you deal with people - mistrust that they might inform on you (not now but in the past) and these cultural things sometimes remain. Not sure if any of this is relevant in your case.

@snoopy18 I remember your thread and it felt so familiar for me. We were in a smaller place and when MIL came she would take our room and we would sleep on the blow up mattress. MIL stays permanently in the house also. She never leaves unless with all of us as it is her time with Son and Grandson. I couldn't leave with DS when she and her DH came when he was six weeks only. She wouldn't allow it and I was very silly to not put clearer boundaries in place then. You appear to have clearer boundaries.

@PhilCornwall This is what my Dad says. He met her twice and said that she doesn't understand softly softly or talking it through you just have to bark back (which is not in my nature). He said that the relationship would be better if I barked back. She is tough and wouldn't take it to heart, she would just respect me as she currently sees me as a soft idiot who can be walked all over. Some people are just like that.

@pusspuss9 yes she is from a former communist country. It is former Yugoslavia so she has also been through a civil war, which involved moving to a different part of Yugosalvia and losing everything. She had a difficult time. This is why DH doesn't want to say anything to her. As he says it , she has been through enough already which I completely understand and she has had a difficult time. I have always been understanding of what she has been through and always let her do what she wanted because of that but as the years have gone on, she is just getting worse and I am now of view that that happened 20 years ago and doesn't explain why she feels the need to attack me all the time. Also she has no comprehensive of boundaries at all. She sees me as some woman her son is married to and the woman who gave birth to her GS. That's it. it is interesting what you say about trust. Maybe that's it. She simply doesn't trust me.

Go on holiday for 10 days?

@Belfield

Thank you for your explanation. You do sound understanding of her situation, but you're right enough is enough. I hope you all find a way forward. Sending hugs your way.

When she starts on following you around and watching you clean, could you try looking her in the eye and saying 'no'. It's pretty much a universally understood word that needs no translation, and even my DOG understands that when I say 'no' I want them to stop what they are doing.

If you combine a firm 'no', with turning your back and walking away, it just might get the message over without you feeling that you are being unnecessarily harsh or confrontational.

Either that or put her in a crate and ignore her (although I have to admit that I'm more experienced with dogs than MILs so this might not work...)

Pusspuss9 We are NOT talking about business here. This is a domestic situation. Why are you banging on about being in a work environment and using the very useful term "Fuck Off"? I have only said that once at work and that was with my bosses blessing because had I not said it, he would have but this is nothing to do with that. Your post makes no sense in relation to this thread.