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Original poster

Blown out, yet again... OLD

56 replies

Unluckyinlove2019 · 29/06/2019 20:07

Majorly pissed off this evening, and just wanted to vent but would welcome anyone's thoughts and opinions on the position I've found myself in.

I have name changed so this isn't linked to my other posts.

Been doing online dating for what feels like an eternity. Met some nice, and not so nice men.

There's been two guys who I've really liked. The first said he really liked me and we had a FWB set-up for about 18 months (which suited me at the time) but when I said I was looking for a relationship... well, he turned to dust! That's history...

The second guy, who I haven't actually known that long. Seemed really keen on me, as I was him. Have spent a fair bit of time together given the short space since we met online.

Thought things were going well and had made plans to spend today/tonight together and yet I've not heard a peep from him! I tried calling him this afternoon and got no answer. Messaged him this evening saying I hope everything was alright as I hadn't heard from him... radio silence!

To avoid drip feeding, I did text him earlier in the week, just a general chit chatty message and got no reply. Called him two days later and no answer.

He called me yesterday and said he'd left his phone in a vehicle and had only just retrieved it... so I gave him the benefit of the doubt after he was very apologetic.

But going AWOL today... well now I don't know what to think!

I don't think I'm a needy person, it's usually him that gives me a call each day so this just seems unusual and I'm beginning to think I may be entering "ghosting" territory and it has upset me Sad

Why oh why do the guys I like, not feel the same way back?!

And what are your thoughts as to what I should do with this latest guy? A friend said I should fuck him off Grin but I was starting to think we might have something good about to start...

Rant over, and thanks for reading Smile

OP posts:
Goodnightchristopherrobin · 29/06/2019 20:10

I think, although you do hear OLD success stories, it’s so easy for people to find someone new, ultimately, moving on (ghosting) is the norm Sad

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 29/06/2019 20:14

I'd say he's probably with somebody else if you aren't exclusive Sad sorry, I'm in it myself and it can be a rotten game Flowers

My advice would be stop texting or calling him now. Either he'll get in contact or he won't. If he does, then be a little cautious.

Dljlr · 29/06/2019 20:15

Sorry your day / evening hasn't turned out how you'd anticipated, that sucks. Ghosting is horrible behaviour. As to what you should do with him, if this happened to me I'd delete all his contact info but not block. That way I wouldn't be able to send any further messages, exacerbating the embarrassment if I was being ghosted; but he could get in touch in the future to explain he broke both his legs, had his phone stolen and briefly lost his memory.

I think you have to accept that he's messing you around, delete and move on. If it's too late to make other plans to go out then get back onto OLD, at least you won't feel like you're sitting in waiting on him.

whitehalleve · 29/06/2019 20:18

Please don't contact the new guy again. He's clearly not that bothered. You'll find someone better.

Original poster
Unluckyinlove2019 · 29/06/2019 20:23

Thanks for your replies.

We hadn't had the exclusive chat, but both said we hadn't been back on to the site we met on since we started chatting. And we have met numerous times since then.

I've met one of his friends who told me he (the guy I'd met) never dated, and it was good to see him happy and we suited each other.

He seemed keen, and I liked him too so I'm just baffled as to why he'd do this?! I know no one on here can answer that but still...

It was really hot today and we had plans to lunch out, river cruise etc etc so to not just hear from him seems... odd?

I'm pissed off because I don't get much free time (DD at her dads) which he knows... so it feels like a wasted day when I could have arranged to see a friend or something. Just plain rude!

On the upside though, I've spent the day in the garden and am looking like a bronzed goddess Grin.

Trying to console myself with it being his loss...

OP posts:
violetdazed · 29/06/2019 21:17

I've been there so many times and accepted the excuses for the radio silence. It's only now when I look back I realise that if a guy can do that to you in the first few weeks/ months of knowing you, there really is no happy future.
I met my now husband on tinder and we were very honest and up front from the start and he's never let me down!
Sack this one off and put it down to experience and good luck for next time!!

Whereissummerthisyear · 29/06/2019 21:21

Well there’s not a lot you can do about it if he is ignoring you. That’s not fair letting you down on a Saturday night. What a coward. Don’t contact him or listen to any more stories about his phone.

supercali77 · 30/06/2019 07:22

Agree with what a pp said above there is no happy future if hes done this now. If he never dates there's probably a reason why....e.g. something is going on with this man around women and relationships, past behaviour reflects future behaviour, no matter how fabulous the woman is. Dont take it personally, the men who are the least likely to commit or to blow hot and cold e.g be unavailable are the ones women find the most 'chemistry' with....according to science. And it's almost certain it wont be just with you hes done that. Definitely dont take it personally, and .... I wouldn't let him back in with an excuse either. Also, 1 great book - mr unavailable and the fallback girl. Explains emotional unavailability and how to spot it, how not to take it personally etc.

Original poster
Unluckyinlove2019 · 30/06/2019 07:55

@supercali77

Your reply really resonated with me,
and thank you.

Do you know what, I've woken up this morning feeling angry. Last night was my pity party but today I feel bloody angry and wound up.

Why? Because like you say... I am fabulous! Grin without sounding bug headed, I have a fair bit going for me so this is most definitely all him and not me.

Still doesn't take the sting out of it though, but I just can't fathom why on earth he'd do this?!

Last message still unread on WhatsApp, not yet blocked but interested to see what today brings (if anything).

OP posts:
MoominMantra · 30/06/2019 08:04

@Unluckyinlove2019 honestly it's not you. Online dating is shit.

I've done a lot of online dating and have never found anyone decent.

The main problems with online dating sites are;

  1. They are full of people who are not single in the first place
  1. With only texting and photographs, the door is wide open for people to lie and misrepresent themselves.
  1. There are many men on OD who are using it as a way to just get casual sex. But of course, they are not going to get it unless they lie and pretend to want a relationship. So they tend to talk mostly to whoever they feel they are going to have sex with the most quickly.

Personally, I think you've got way more chances finding someone in a hobby / leisure environment.

Facebook usually has local 'social' groups where you can meet up with others in a relaxed setting & no pressure.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking this is you.

MoominMantra · 30/06/2019 08:06

Oh, and for future reference. Never, ever ever start a FWB and expect it to turn into a relationship. It almost never happens.

ProteinshakesandAntonsbum · 30/06/2019 08:20

To be fair you werent blown out the first time.

You had a fwb. It was clear what it was. Not your fault you wanted a relationship. But the full expectation is that when one wants a relationship the set up ends. Not moves on to a relationship. On rare occasions, it does. But that's not the expectation going into it. If you both want it and it happens it's a bonus.

This guy is just messing you about. Either he is seeing someone else and blown you out for them or he is an unreliable fuck wit.

I expect him to come back with some sort of 'I am sorry. I really like you but I was just scared, give me another chance'.

Honestly, I wouldnt. I would just move on.

Old can be brutal. But i think you should look at the first situation for what it was. 2 people having a utal agreement to have some fun.

This one, yeah its shit. I dont like OLD. The thought of meeting someone, I dont know for a date even a casual one makes me so nervous I feel ill. I have only ever met my boyfriends through people I know. Old is just not for some people.

It's not for me. Maybe you need to think about if it's for you. Flowers

Original poster
Unluckyinlove2019 · 30/06/2019 08:22

Thank you @MoominMantra

Agree with everything you said,

I didn't enter the fwb set up thinking it was going to go anywhere... but of all the dates I've been on he was by far the best in terms of looks and how well we got on. A casual set up suited me and when I found myself in the position of wanting a relationship I told him and secretly hoped he wanted the same.

He clearly didn't so I went back to the dating game Grin

My days of having a fwb are over... I want more than just someone to share my bed with occasionally.

This latest guy talked the talk, but in reality was no where near even walking,

OP posts:
supercali77 · 30/06/2019 09:01

@Unluckyinlove2019 it does sting yes, but the sting is definitely salved by the recognition that a man who does this will almost certainly have done it before. Will probably do it again. Its bad behaviour and it's his to own. It's not a reflection of you. The blog 'post male syndrome' is also good. Dont be surprised if he comes back in a day, a week, a month as if nothing happened or giving you some drama patter. Dont give him an inch is my advice. If he has the capacity to do this then it's a character flaw that cant be ignored.

supercali77 · 30/06/2019 09:09

In terms of why they do it....my opinion after some experience with months of an on again off again type...and a lot of reading /healing after it was over. Saying they're into it and committing or saying they're out is making an honest and upfront decision and these types....are kings of the grey area. By saying nothing they leave the door slightly ajar to come back in with an excuse. Lost his phone again. Some other fabulous drama. In that respect, they're pretty predictable.

Yes they may be afraid, they may have avoidant attachments....it doesn't really matter the end result is the same. The best response to someone leaving the door ajar is to shut it for them

Original poster
Unluckyinlove2019 · 30/06/2019 09:20

"The best response to someone leaving the door ajar is to shut it for them"

Ab-so-fucking-lutely!!! With bells, horns and whistles on!

The mood I'm in today about all of this, I won't just be shutting the door I'll be kicking it closed to make the loudest bang possible.

And I hope he hears it Grin

OP posts:
supercali77 · 30/06/2019 09:31

@Unluckyinlove2019 yas! Glad to hear it. Life is too short to be dealing with f**kwits

Lovemusic33 · 30/06/2019 09:43

I have been OLD on and off for 4 years and it is tedious at times, I have experienced the same as you many times, been stood up and had people vanish in to thin air after telling me they really like me. I don’t hold out much hope in meeting anyone online that will end up a long term relationship so now I just focus on the fact it gets me out meeting new people, I never look past each date as I know anything can happen. It does upset me that people can be so thoughtless and just vanish without explanation but sadly people often don’t have the guts to say “it’s not working out”.

Original poster
Unluckyinlove2019 · 30/06/2019 10:53

The fool has just messaged claiming he had a headache all day yesterday.

And he didn't get to see any of the sun.

Boo fucking hoo

OP posts:
supercali77 · 30/06/2019 11:01

@Unluckyinlove2019 Predictable as always. You can only really laugh at this point

Scratchyfluffface · 30/06/2019 11:05

I am marrying a man I met OLD, but there were some bad experiences too.

With the current one, he is way too flaky which in my experience (personally and watching my single friends) means he is probably keeping you hanging while he sees how it goes with someone else - you deserve better than being the fallback, bin him off!

MadamBatty · 30/06/2019 11:09

Tell him to eff offf.
Headache, yeah it stopped him texting you.

category12 · 30/06/2019 11:09

"How sad for you. Suffering both a headache and unconscionable rudeness. Bye."

KaleidoscopeEyes · 30/06/2019 11:10

Headache my arse Hmm

One that stopped him looking at or hearing his phone? Give me a break.

KaleidoscopeEyes · 30/06/2019 11:11

Love category12's message Grin

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