Dating a widower

[clpsmum]

Been dating a widower for just over a year. Today is the anniversary of his wife's passing and I'm struggling as I don't know how to act with him. I struggle with anxiety and this is making me anxious however I realise that today is about him and he needs my support I just don't know what to do to support him. Any advice?

Are you planning on seeing him or not? I’d personally send a text saying you’re thinking of him today, you know it’s hard and that you’re here for him if he needs you. Then leave it up to him to ask you if he wants to see you etc. If he (and his DCs?) have something planned then you won’t want to be there but if he’s just going to be sitting around feeling sad then he’ll appre knowing that you’re thinking of him.

People deal with anniversaries in different ways. I know some people cry and get very upset on the day, or on their loved one’s birthday etc, whereas others acknowledge the date, take a moment to think nice thoughts and then move on.

Personally I usually forget what date it is until sometime later in the day and then someone else will remind me and feel guilty that I forgot, have a little moment and then let it go. But that’s not my spouse, but both my parents.

As an aside, it must be very difficult dating a widower so go easy on yourself too. You are bound to have some awkward feelings and that’s ok.

Yes I do feel very awkward tbh. And always feeling second best is not nice especially today. I am seeing him this evening which was prearranged before I realised the date. I gave him the option to cancel when I realised but he said no he wants to see me. I'm scared I will say or do the wrong thing.

I am trying to push my own feelings to the side and support him. I can't imagine how difficult it must be and think that's the problem. I don't know how I would feel if the roles were reversed so not sure what to do!

Thank you for replying btw xxx

Hi OP

I think let him take the lead here. You are seeing him tonight, so I’d start by saying something like “you ok?” then move on to a normal evening. You gave him the option to cancel, so he may be looking for some ‘normality’.

I was also with a widower, but he was separated beforehand, so very different, but understand feeling second best etc, and it is hard.

If he’s a decent chap he will be mindful of your feelings too, and you must be also. Look after yourself

If you always feel second best In this relationship then you need to decide if it’s right for you.

Do you know why you feel this way? Is it your issues, what you partner says or does or a combination of both ?

How long is it since his wife died?

You gave him the option to cancel, so he may be looking for some ‘normality’.

Good point made by pointless!

@TheStuffedPenguin it's 4 years ago today. She was young and it was very unexpected

@Rosemary46 I think it's my issues tbh. I don't handle death very well at the best of times. Because she was young and it was unexpected he was still madly in love with her. I don't doubt that he cares for me but I have a hard time with it. Think it is more me that makes me feel second best than him if you know what I mean. I am great at overthinking!!!

@Itsallpointless thank you! It's so hard isn't it. You're right maybe he does just want a normal evening. I guess I will just have to play it by ear and see how it goes. He is very thoughtful and mindful of my feelings I am just the master of overthinking and self sabotage tbh!

Does he still talk about her a lot , have photos all over the place or still wear his wedding ring? Met a guy online who did this . How is he otherwise ?

I'm in a similar situation, although further down the line - been with DP for four years and he was widowed ten years ago. Ten year anniversary came up recently and I gave a bit of space on the day as he wanted to go to the graveside and spend time looking through photos with his daughter.

I find that it's not hard, exactly, but I have to make a bit of mental space for it - I didn't meet DP and his daughter until years after their loss, so it doesn't impinge on me and on our relationship, but I have to take it into account.

I know what you mean about feeling second best, but that's not what I feel, no more than DP feels second best to my ex-husband. That's just a feeling, not a fact, and it's not that helpful. Having said that, it's totally normal and human! If you were to talk to him about it (probably not on the anniversary!), would he be ready to have that conversation?

I have found in dating a widower that I have had to learn to be more patient and more accommodating, but also to insist on being treated properly and making sure he is being a good boyfriend to me. We split up several times in the first couple of years while he worked through his guilt about finding someone new and disbelief that I could really love him when he felt so damaged, but we're doing great now. I had to be quite strong and sure about what I wanted and was prepared to put up with.

It's quite early days for both of you, relationship-wise and grief-wise. Patience will probably help but it's hard on you.

@TheStuffedPenguin doesn't talk about her a lot but does talk about her. He has pictures and her stuff around the place. His phone screensaver etc.

@TheStuffedPenguin although it's not a shrine to her if you know what I mean

@ElizabethinherGermanGarden thank you for your kind words and pleased that you are both so happy now. It is so hard sometimes. They didnt have any children together so I'm guessing that probably makes it easier. I think the second best thing is my issue and they way I perceive it and not him if you know what I mean.

Absolutely I do! Oh yes indeed. It passes...

He has pictures and her stuff around the place. His phone screensaver etc oh no. That’s not ok. I would not be alright with that. Pisses me off enough that my DP has a nice pic of his ex that flashes up when she calls him. But a screensaver - after 4 years - when he’s been with you for a year. Not on.

@RagingWhoreBag depends how I'm feeling as to whether it bothers me or not tbh, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. I think if he needs that to lessen his guilt and overcome in grief then maybe it's something I should leave well alone and not mention it

Actually feeling really shit and really selfish. Kinda want to cancel plans for tonight as don't want to sit there knowing he will be thinking of her and wishing she was here but know that would be really awful me

I think the relationship has a future only if you can both be emotionally open with each other. He's explicitly said that despite the date he wants to see you and be with you. It might be an occasion for him to open up to you. Can you comfort him if he's upset, or is that just too much for you? Your needs matter too.

My DP talks about his late wife quite often and openly, but only very occasionally talks about what it was like when she was dying or when he was newly bereaved. It's hard to see him so sad at those times (the thing that really gets him is the impact on his daughter and there's not much that can be done about that) but I would far rather that he confided in me than didn't. I think of myself as fairly empathetic (I read a lot of books, which helps with the imagination, etc) but I've always been slightly surprised by one or two things he says and it helps me 'get' him better.

When I'm feeling shit about stuff, I confide in him too. I just tend to wait until really hard pinch-points like anniversaries are not on the horizon.

It sounds as if it is tough on you. Maybe he's not ready? Maybe you've taken on more than you bargained for. There's no shame in either of those things. He has to be the right partner for you, as well as you being a loving and compassionate partner for him.

You don't have to go out tonight. Weather's incredible. Why not just hang out in the garden with a bottle of rose and and a sausage in a roll and take it easy together?

Thank you for replying. I seem to be finding it harder as the day goes on! Yes I am able to comfort him if he were to get upset but the problem is he doesn't very often confide In me. I feel guilty for having these thoughts when it is not about me it's about him

You have been dating this man for quite a while now,and by all accounts it's happy relationship, so try not to worry too much about his lost partner. He will obviously be thinking about this anniversary, but also he will be thinking about this lady all the time,but it doesn't mean he thinks less of you. You are not second best,you are giving him a chance to be happy again.

So gave him two opportunities to cancel and said no both times then dumped me at last minute for a better offer from family member

I’m a widow and my husband died seven years into our marriage unexpectedly. I don’t pay any attention to the anniversary of his death. I’m aware or it but I celebrate his birthday with our children. And I still have photos of him around with the kids.
If he says he’s fine he’s fine. You might even be making him feel guilty that he wants to spend the evening with you! Take his lead and try and enjoy the evening, don’t make it a downer. I think you are being a bit over sensitive. It’s for him to have the feelings about the day, not you.

We aren't spending the night together now he's had a better offer!