Dating a widower

[clpsmum]

Been dating a widower for just over a year. Today is the anniversary of his wife's passing and I'm struggling as I don't know how to act with him. I struggle with anxiety and this is making me anxious however I realise that today is about him and he needs my support I just don't know what to do to support him. Any advice?

@Ginger1982 my head is telling me to

...fed up of my feelings not being taken into account tbh....He says he wants it to go back to how it was but that means me accepting all his decisions without question.

This is no way to live, OP. Your relationship is extremely unequal. Why are you willing to settle for so little? You know that you deserve more than this man will ever give.

I've definitely had to find new reserves of patience and empathy in my relationship with a widower and find ways to understand when things are not exactly how they would be in my ideal world. It's been totally worth it.

That said, I wouldn't be putting up with what you are putting up with. He's not being that good to you ☹️

You could have another conversation and try to get him to see how hurtful and - frankly - wrong and life-denying his response to the holiday suggestion was, and to agree that he does need to be a good partner to you in the present because the way he is behaving is so hurtful. If he can't have that conversation, or he doesn't act on his words if he says all the right things, I think you're going to have to let him go. Otherwise you'll be whittled away to nothing.

He won’t contemplate a holiday with you a whole year away because he used to go abroad with his wife? Well that shows you your place doesn’t it? It’s good you had that conversation now as you could be hanging on another year and he would still be messing you around.

I think the hurtful thing is he won't go on holiday with you. His reason is just an excuse and that's the problem, your relationship isn't moving forward.

I don't think it's got anything to do with his late DW tbh.

OP he is being ridiculous with the holiday comment. He clearly has little regard for your feelings, desires, or even the relationship itself.

I would end things, carrying this on will destroy your self esteem - it's aleady impacting your mental health (anxiety)

Wanting to holiday with your DP is normal - his reaction was far from normal.

Being a widower is no excuse for being a dick to a current partner. Sounds like he's pulling out the widower card to disguise the fact he's simply not bothered enough about your perfectly normal wants and needs.

He keeps saying sorry he hurt me and he feels bad etc but to me that's just empty words when nothing is going to change. I don't want to not be able to go on holiday with the man in my life because he went with his wife. I really don't mean to sound cruel or selfish but by the time I'm talking about going she will have been gone five years (longer than they were together).

I don't want to erase his memories of her. I know she will always be a huge part of his life, but I'm starting to feel it's being used an excuse now. There are other things we do together that they did and that's ok but he can't do this. It's a bit of a deal breaker for me I've realised because I think he's being selfish and not considering me at all. Maybe it's me that's being selfish I'm actually really not sure any more but I'm so hurt and so confused.

I'm supposed to be seeing him tonight. I'm going to his house. He wanted to take me out to dinner as an apology but I said no because I don't feel like an apology is good enough. Saying sorry but not changing his actions leaves me in the same boat! I'm not even sure whether to go or not because I think it's going to be so awkward. We are happy and enjoy each other's company as long as I know my place as one poster pointed out, that's really not fair

@MarianaMoatedGrange thank you so much! I really needed to hear that. I'm starting to feel like the bad guy and selfish for wanting a holiday with him! I don't think it's unreasonable of me to want to do normal things. We can do normal things as long as it's ok with him and on his terms.

I feel so stupid for suggesting it to be honest. My home life is really tricky and a holiday wasn't something I thought was possible, then things fell into place which would allow it to happen. I actually (stupidly) thought he'd be thrilled at a week away together in the sunshine

Ah, so she's been deceased longer than they were together. Yes - she's become the Sainted One. Not at all uncommon, and extremely unfair of him to take up with another woman while he feels that way, but as I said (and you agree) he's using widowerhood to excuse his poor behaviour and to not do anything he doesn't WANT to do, with YOU.

I wouldn't go to his house. Agree to meet on neutral territory, and tell him firmly you are tired of his excuses, that he clearly is not ready for a relationship, so you're moving on.

Put yourself first. This unhealthy dynamic has gone on too long already.

@clpsmum I'm in the same boat but a year ahead of you. On our first holiday after we'd been together just over a year, I know it was difficult for him because he spoke about his late DW for the first three days. We went on to have a fantastic holiday that was 'our' holiday creating our memories, not reminiscing about his past holidays. We then went on another holiday a few months after and there was no mention of his DW at all.

There is a destination I would love to go to but he has said that he wouldn't go with his DW so won't go with me. Again that's fine with me, I will go with someone else, but I think it is more to do with the destination because he wouldn't go with her either.

My BF still has a photo of her as his phone screensaver which is fine by me because he can see me in real life. I am acknowledged in RL by him and he puts photos of us on SM. We go out regularly with their friends and his colleagues and I'm his DP and we are a couple.

Although she is still a part of his life and always will be, especially as they have DC's,

I always feel that I'm his future. I feel that the relationship with his DW and the relationship with me are different which there is no comparison to, therefore I feel just as loved and important to him as she was.

Have been reading this as have a friend who's gone through something similar. Have you tried talking to his DD about this maybe? (I did the maths, if the ex has been widowed longer than they've been together then the DD wouldn't be hers). Just she may have a separate view on things which could help (if she's old enough).

I do think you're at the end of the road.

Putting the fact he's a widower to one side, he is selfish and will not show any flexibilty. Says he's sorry with words but his actions disprove that. To be blunt he's a 'My way or the highway' type.

He may well have had the perfect marriage - I wonder if his wife would have said the same.

I agree that you should meet on neutral ground - a coffee shop or some place that you don't usually use.

Thank you all your support means so much. I do t really have anyone to talk to in RL.

It's not a choice me or her, he's got us both. He still has photos and screensaver etc and that's fine doesn't bother me at all. I mark her significant dates.

Just don't want to be part of something that his feelings trump mine every time. The holiday thing I think is the icing on the cake for me. We've holidayed on short breaks in this country but I desperately want to lay by a pool drinking cocktails in the sun! Looks like I'll be doing it with a friend instead of with him though

I mark her significant dates

Why?

If he wants to - fine. You don't have to!

I take it you're going to continue this relationship, the three of you?

@MarianaMoatedGrange no not going to continue it. I mark them by sending him flowers so he knows I'm thinking of him. I don't want it need him to erase her from his life. But no it's not going to continue it will be finished when I see him later

Good luck later. It's a really hard thing you are doing, but it will be good for both of you. You're being v brave.

I would end this. It may be that he went into a new relationship too early (odd he didn't think about that - he's so wound up about not having a holiday because he had one with his wife, yet he's having sex with you.)

I think he sounds like he's bad for your mental health, tbh. Better to leave him on good terms and look around for someone who won't drive you crazy and make you insecure.

I'm here and not ending it even though I know I need to 😢

Why not??

You don't have to do it to please strangers on the internet!

Sorry OP but hes treating you like shit and youre allowing it because hes a widower and youre supposed to feel sorry for him.

To me a lot of this is emotionally manipulative. He wants you in his life when he wants you the way he wants you.

Please dump him and raise your bar, and ffs stop sending him flowers. The whole thing has an undercurrent that i dont like at all.

You deserve more!

It’s up to you if you stay with him but you won’t be going on holiday this year or next year. He’s told you that.

I agree that your sending flowers is an odd dynamic. You are trying to please him all the time but you are not getting your own needs met whatsoever.

I send him flowers in the anniversary of her death to acknowledge it and let him know I'm thinking of him. I'm not stalking him with flowers lol!

I really do need to end it and I really don't know what's stopping me. I saw him last night and it was all a bit awkward and we both kind of avoided the subject which was odd. I need to grow up and face this head in and deal with it

The more I think about it the more I get annoyed tbh. Even if it's true and he feels a bit odd going away with somebody else I don't know why his feelings trump mine.

@Madlove you're absolutely right. I'm a people pleaser at the best of times but you're right my needs are not being met and it's not fair