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Relationships

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Original poster

Dating a widower

129 replies

clpsmum · 29/06/2019 08:43

Been dating a widower for just over a year. Today is the anniversary of his wife's passing and I'm struggling as I don't know how to act with him. I struggle with anxiety and this is making me anxious however I realise that today is about him and he needs my support I just don't know what to do to support him. Any advice?

OP posts:

stucknoue · 29/06/2019 17:37

Acknowledge it and let him take the lead, he may want to talk about happy memories, he may prefer not to. You aren't second best, there's no knowing what their relationship was like or whether it would have deteriorated - when someone dies, especially young, they are memorialised through rose tinted glasses, trapped as a memory with negative aspects forgotten, it can seem overwhelming but remember he wants you in this life. I've counselled widows and widowers, the guilt, the fantasy that their deceased spouse becomes, but they all wanted happiness and you are it!

AllFourOfThem · 29/06/2019 17:41

What kind of better offer? Maybe it will be easier for you to not see him tonight though.

In his defence He has pictures and her stuff around the place. His phone screensaver etc could it be that he always had that picture as his screensaver and then she died, so he now feels he can’t change it? Grief can cause all kinds of irrational grief. How he treats you and how you feel about things is the important bit.

AllFourOfThem · 29/06/2019 17:42

I meant to say that grief can cause all kinds of irrational guilt.

MsDogLady · 29/06/2019 17:46

I am sorry, clpsmum. What did he say when he cancelled? How are you feeling?

Original poster

clpsmum · 29/06/2019 17:50

@stucknoue I agree she will forever be a saint to him. Thank you for your kind words. I struggle with anxiety and overthinking at the best of times and today is a killer!

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Original poster

clpsmum · 29/06/2019 17:52

@AllFourOfThem yes I'm sure that was his screensaver and that and the photos etc don't bother me tbh I accept that she is always going to be a huge part of his life. Sometimes it would be nice to feel like I was important too though. He literally has zero photos of me. Well tbh his daughter decided to come over which was lovely of her and I'm sure it was to support him but I really don't feel like I can join them in sitting chatting about old times.

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Original poster

clpsmum · 29/06/2019 17:55

@MsDogLady I've maybe been a bit over dramatic in my self pitying haze! His daughter decided to come over and he did ask me to come too but he knew I wouldn't go and sit with them both while they reminisce. I feel shit enough as it is without listening to stories of how much wonderful his wife was. And I'm sure she was I don't want to sound bitter (although I realise I do!). I have one child free night a week and was looking forward to seeing him and then it didn't happen and I'm stuck in alone. I feel pretty crap tbh. I have none of my family here and nobody turn to hence mumsnet self indulgent post!!!

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Original poster

clpsmum · 29/06/2019 18:03

I've never tried to exclude her from his life. I know it's a huge thing and have tried to be as understanding and supportive as I know how to be I just feel like I'm not given any consideration. I do accept I'm maybe just feeling a bit down in the dumps and sorry for myself. I woke up and the first thing I saw on Facebook was a post about him wishing she was still here so not a great start to the day.

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Richik · 29/06/2019 18:06

I'm a widower and can understand there can be some awkwardness at times on the anniversary. Death is always a difficult subject to talk about and people react to it in different ways. Sure, I spend a bit of time remembering my lost love, it would be disrespectful not to, but I have always been aware that I had to move on and when in future relationships I concentrated on those fully. I think all you need to do is just give him a hug, let him know that you're aware of how he might be feeling and that you're there for him. Chances are he'll appreciate spending the time with you and just be his normal self. Although I've loved before I don't believe it takes anything away from current love. I tend to view it as a balloon- you can add to it and love your current partner just as much, if not more.

Original poster

clpsmum · 29/06/2019 18:07

And I feel so guilty because I know this is not about me and I'm twisting it all around to be about me

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AllFourOfThem · 29/06/2019 18:21

And I feel so guilty because I know this is not about me and I'm twisting it all around to be about me

I disagree. If he is ready to have a relationship with somebody else then he should be ready to make that person feel special and not anxious about their relationship. Your feelings are very valid and should be cared about.

ballsdeep · 29/06/2019 18:25

. I woke up and the first thing I saw on Facebook was a post about him wishing she was still here so not a great start to the day

He's not ready to be in a relationship. How bloody disrespectful towards you. He is telling you and indeed everyone else that you will always play second fiddle. Always. He is making you anxious. He's not a good or loving partner, he is still devoted to his partner who died. Theres nothing wrong with that of he was single but he's not.
I'd get rid and get someone who treats you with respect

ballsdeep · 29/06/2019 18:26

Sorry about the non paragraphs and not in bold I am on my phone

MsDogLady · 29/06/2019 18:33

Of course you feel very disappointed, especially as he had expressed several times that he wanted to be with you tonight. In light of the new plans with his daughter, I wouldn’t have wanted to feel like a third wheel, either.

It is troubling that, after a year, he has no photos of you and you don’t feel that you are very special to him. You have been loving and supportive of him, but if he doesn’t reciprocate, then he may not be ready to have a full relationship with anyone.

Somerville · 29/06/2019 18:36

You can miss a late spouse, wish they were still here, and also love someone you have met since. I certainly do.

OP, wait until the heightened anniversary-emotions pass, then have a think about whether this man is worth enough to you that you can conquer your feelings about second best. It's not true, BTW - the fact that his marriage ended while he was still in love doesn't mean that he'll get involved with just anyone - quite the opposite. If you want to stay in the relationship then talk to him. The only basis on which this will work out is if you can both be open about your emotional needs.

TheStuffedPenguin · 29/06/2019 18:44

I woke up and the first thing I saw on Facebook was a post about him wishing she was still here so not a great start to the day.

I don't like this either.

Original poster

clpsmum · 29/06/2019 18:59

Think you are all right he's not ready for a relationship. I will obviously let today pass and there's an important event for him midweek so will wait until next weekend and just call it off. Thank you all so much for your support it really means a lot to me xxx

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Whereissummerthisyear · 29/06/2019 19:04

No that Facebook comment is not on.

IncrediblySadToo · 29/06/2019 19:15

So, you’re going to call it all off? Be very clear with yourself and him about why

You can end a relationship with anyone simply because you’re not happy, but I think you owe it to the other person to be as honest and full as you can be when ending it. They deserve to come out if it knowing why it didn’t work

I think you’re jumping the gun, but obviously, it’s up to you

I don’t blame him for cancelling tonight you asked him twuce if he really wanted to see you (he probably sensed your teluctanve) and his daughter wanted to see her Dad (or wanted her Dad to feel cared about) he could hardly say no to her could he really

One minute you don’t want to see him tonight but then you’re kissed off you’re not seeing him on your one childfree night (it was early enough to make other plans if you were desperate to go out). It’s still only just after 7pm

Try not to make this all about him still grieving his late wife on the anniversary of her death

IncrediblySadToo · 29/06/2019 19:16

Missing someone and wishing they were still here doesn’t mean you can’t love someone else or be happy with them

Lizzie3869 · 29/06/2019 19:30

Missing someone and wishing they were still here doesn’t mean you can’t love someone else or be happy with them

I think that's true. He probably does wish his wife hadn't died (she clearly died far too young), and he's bound to feel that most acutely on the anniversary of her death.

It doesn't follow that he doesn't want to move on with his life and be happy in a new relationship.

Original poster

clpsmum · 29/06/2019 19:41

@IncrediblySadToo you're absolutely right! I'm feeling very self indulgent. I wasn't desperate to go out I was desperate to spend time with him and just felt a bit neglected but keep trying to tell myself today is not about me. I think I need to have a long hard think about if I can cope with continuing this or not. My gut is telling me that with my anxiety and his guilt this is just not gonna work

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user1497997754 · 29/06/2019 20:01

Jesus your very spoilt and self indulgent.....to be honest I think you are to self centered to be with a widower because it's all about you.....have some empathy....and grow up and think about other people ...

Original poster

clpsmum · 29/06/2019 20:04

@user1497997754 you're right

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Original poster

clpsmum · 29/06/2019 20:09

Didn't mean to come across as spoilt and self centred but realised that is exactly how I sound. You're right I'm not cut out for this

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