Should I confront my crush?

[bottomfellout]

Please be gentle and just to make it clear I have absolutely no intention of doing anything at all with this man and certain he wouldn’t either.

I have a crush. It’s ridiculous, I’m a grown woman with a husband and a family and this man is married to a good (although fairly new) friend of mine.

Our dc’s are best friends. We moved to the area last year and I quickly became friends with this child’s mum. She’s lovely, we have lots in common which is rare as I’m pretty weird and it’s really nice to have a good friend in a new area.

Her dh is hot. Really, really hot. To the point where from the first time I met him I realised quite how attracted I was to him and have made a huge effort to not be in his company. We recently went camping together as families and he’s so awesome. Which I keep telling myself he’s not, he probably leaves skid marks in the loo and doesn’t clean up after himself and picks his feet and any number of annoying things that my dh also does.

But I get so flustered around him. It’s been about 10 months now and shows no sign of dying down. We’re doing more and more stuff together as families and it’s just increasingly awkward to try and not be alone with him.

Should I tell him/ my friend that I have a stupid crush and that I’m sorry and it’s stupidly embarrassing (and I’m one million percent sure that it isn’t reciprocated anyway) but I feel like it’s driving me mad. But that would be mortifying wouldn’t it? And my friend would think I’m a tool and it would make things awkward anyway.

I’m hoping just writing it down on here might alleviate it slightly! Any other advice to stop me acting like a simpering mess every time I come into contact with this completely normal man?

*You need to speak to a professional.

Is there a women’s aid or ethnic minority women’s centre near you who could advise on your situation?

Have you done a benefits check on entitledto?*

This.

You are also entitled to CM from your husband for his children.
Not optional, no matter what his parents think.

What sort of people would deprive their own grandchildren of the means for shelter, food, clothing, education etc. in any circumstances? What sort of man & father would go along with that if they "told" him to?! They are the lowest of the low. Disgusting.

All you could do would be to lodge a CM application against him if they found out and he stopped. But there's surely no reason he can't avoid that situation for his children's sake.

You are of course also entitled to your portion of any of his assets/pension etc. No doubt your pils and "helpless" husband will also try to frame it that he has no assets and no pension. Women's aid should be able to give you some legal advice (in my town there is a one stop shop once a week with benefits advisor and solicitor) or if you can find a family/divorce solicitor who offers a first free consultation.

As for exclusion from the community; do yoy have friends and acquaintances outside the community? You can make more.

Also being excluded from a community that blamed and ostracised the wife forba marriage breakdown in every case, regardless of a cheating husband who had moved on to another woman, and which condones a father not paying anything towards the upkeep of children he had fathered (and whose mother he is cheating on) ... is not a community that's worth being a part of. Basic morals and human decency are a prerequisite in any community worth being a part of.

The alternative to all this is that you stay married (and trapped really) and find affection, sexual outlet etc with someone else as he has. Obviously it would have to be done with a huge amount of discretion.

But if you're found out (which often happens) you'll then be cast as the white of Babylon, regardless of the fact your husband has been doing the same,band before you. You'll also have lost your personal high ground/integrity as someone who had not cheated in your marriage (in spite of the fact your husband has - which to me gives one a free pass but ...).

It would be "simpler" and you'd maintain your integrity by getting out of this dysfunctional marriage.

*whore of Babylon, not the white! 😂

Then you need to get yourself into a position where you CAN support your DC, and leave. So undertake a course, get some voluntary work experience, or both. GET yourself qualified. Use this time now, to get yourself in a position where you can be strong and independent.

Thanks morality. I’m trying to get my ducks in a row and I’m hoping by the end of the year I’ll be in a position to leave.

I know you mean well saying that it’s not a community worth being part of and realistically I know that’s true. But it’s also all I’ve ever known and the thought of having to restart my and my dc’s entire life in a different place with no support is incredibly daunting. I have no skills or qualifications. I’m hoping once I leave I can get some care work but it will be difficult to juggle that with dc’s as dc2 isn’t in school yet.

I can’t do any qualifications or training at the moment. If anyone apart from dh knew I was leaving my life would be made completely intolerable.

Could you do something through distance learning? Noone would have to know then.

I’m trying to sort out doing a health and social care qualification online. There’s not much I can access with absolutely no basic qualifications but care looks possible. Thanks for the advice. It’s all a bit scary and huge but I’ll get there x

OP I feel for you. I was exactly in this very same position about a year ago. And I think I probably come from the same background as you.
I'm also in an unhappy marriage and I developed a crush on someone. The crush has come to an end although I still see the couple. I never ever acted on the crush. Instead took advice and looked inwards and my feelings that made me lust after a married man. And it was because all of the things you're experiencing. As other posters have said it is a way of escapism and not dealing with the issues. I have since started a course, got a part time job and started to work on myself.
I haven't left yet but I am so much stronger. I can confront my DH and my family and tell them that they are wrong. And do you know what? They've judged me, criticised me, tried to coerce me into complying and stayinf in the relationship for the sake of family and honour. But I've come to the point where I don't give a damn about peoples opinions and their so called honour. They're not going to save my marriage or a life long mental illness because of said marriage. They're only good for tongue wagging and finger pointing.
OP use this time to build yourself up. get self help books, therapy and get qualified. The social care route looks promising.

Op would you have to move place, would it be possible to build friendships and acquaintances outside your community (presumably the couple in the op are?);but in the same area.

It's great that you gave an idea of what you could do for work in the future,nor would be interested in.. at my town's women's centres you can do GCSEs, MS Office qualifications etc. (and they have childcare). That got many a woman I know started on the route to higher nationals/degrees etc.

"have

their so called honour.

Funny how their honour doesn't include any honesty, integrity, kindness or respect for anyone else.

A few harsh messages here when you're clearly very vulnerable and in some ways trying to be honest. The crush thing, yeah that's you're brain looking for escape not the man himself. Consider it an internal alarm, not a gift from the universe. The feelings will diminish if you acknowledge them as a symptom rather than a reality. I think it can also show you hope - that despite losing your husband it is possible to feel this way again, it just won't be with this exact man. I don't know if some posters understand how much you're looking at losing, it is not as simple or casual as doing abc and then it's all fine. Social ostracism, financial ruin, losing children, facing really big life-changing experience knowing you'll have no support and fearing you could fail - that's massive. It could well give you a happier life but yes, it is a big one to face alone, no wonder part of your brain has decided to take a holiday! No matter how 'different' or unique or complex your particular circumstances are you will not be alone, others will have done it and there will be a way. I think you probably should find a service that can help you first to understand your options. That service will exist and will probably be local. I'd focus on that, perhaps Women's Aid can provide all the help you need or perhaps only part - I imagine they can also refer/signpost too. Google is your friend. And lots of deep breaths. Good luck.

That's good advice straysocks

Thanks guys. The good news is that I haven’t been thinking about my crush at all the last couple of days, too busy sorting my life out.

It’s all such a massive head fuck as (I know, I know) out of everyone I still think of my dh as one of the good guys. He will (and has) fought my corner against his family but only up until a point. If we separated and I did a bunk as I plan to do then I don’t think he’d continue to support me. He says the right things at the moment. When it comes down to it though I don’t believe he’d keep my whereabouts from his family even though it would endanger his dc as well as me. Pfft. I don’t know.

123testing thank you, it’s reassuring (although crap for you obviously) to hear there are other people out there in the same situation. The area of the country we live in isn’t very ethnically diverse and I think all the lovely school mums I chat to would be bloody horrified to realise that there’s still shit like this going on round here.

Thanks, 123, good to hear you are getting somewhere. Bottom fell, you sound strong, quite a lot seems to have come out after your initial post. Have a look at southallblacksisters.org.uk - they have information phone lines as well as webpages and work nationally.

Hi bottom, gosh you poor thing, your situation re marriage / inlaws sounds very stressful to say the least. You sound amazingly strong.

A note on crushes. I've suffered terribly from them and what helped me was the realisation that I wasn't in love with them - I was in love with the idea of them, with certain qualities I saw in them (which may not have even been there in reality, more in my head - or may not even be qualities that are that important to me) - ALSO that the qualities I thought I loved in others were actually things I either wanted to be myself or things I liked about myself. It was about me, not them.

E.g. I might have an obsessive crush on someone who loves travelling or has a dog or writes books. What this really means is that I wanted to travel, have a dog or write books - I think I got this off MN actually. It really helped me get the crushes into perspective.

Someone I know was in your position, and she ended up marrying her friend’s husband (post-divorce, obviously!).

She’s now heckled at the school gates and it’s affecting her DC’s friendships. She has no real friends now.

She used to be my friend. No one wants to be friends with someone who acts on this kind of thing.

I’m not saying you’re like her, as you sound a million miles away from that. I feel very much for you and I hope your home life improves very soon.

Do your parents know your using a phone, grow up

Heckled at the school gates? Bloody hell.