Should I confront my crush?

[bottomfellout]

Please be gentle and just to make it clear I have absolutely no intention of doing anything at all with this man and certain he wouldn’t either.

I have a crush. It’s ridiculous, I’m a grown woman with a husband and a family and this man is married to a good (although fairly new) friend of mine.

Our dc’s are best friends. We moved to the area last year and I quickly became friends with this child’s mum. She’s lovely, we have lots in common which is rare as I’m pretty weird and it’s really nice to have a good friend in a new area.

Her dh is hot. Really, really hot. To the point where from the first time I met him I realised quite how attracted I was to him and have made a huge effort to not be in his company. We recently went camping together as families and he’s so awesome. Which I keep telling myself he’s not, he probably leaves skid marks in the loo and doesn’t clean up after himself and picks his feet and any number of annoying things that my dh also does.

But I get so flustered around him. It’s been about 10 months now and shows no sign of dying down. We’re doing more and more stuff together as families and it’s just increasingly awkward to try and not be alone with him.

Should I tell him/ my friend that I have a stupid crush and that I’m sorry and it’s stupidly embarrassing (and I’m one million percent sure that it isn’t reciprocated anyway) but I feel like it’s driving me mad. But that would be mortifying wouldn’t it? And my friend would think I’m a tool and it would make things awkward anyway.

I’m hoping just writing it down on here might alleviate it slightly! Any other advice to stop me acting like a simpering mess every time I come into contact with this completely normal man?

No, it would make things desperately uncomfortable.

Sounds like you need to concentrate on separating from your partner and in time meeting someone new to fulfil your romantic, Emotional, sexual etc. needs.

Also if you can't get a hold of yourself with the crush, you'd honestly be better withdrawing and minimising from socialising with and spending time with them, and cultivate other friendships instead.

Ok so here is my reading of your situation.

Your marriage is obviously over. You are holding it together for DC. Your dh is getting his intimacy needs met elsewhere. You however are slowly starving to death, as it were. Lonely, isolated and unable to talk about what is happening in your life.

As a result, your subconscious mind is starting to rebel on you. Its trying to force you to hit self destruct in order to break you out of this isolated, inauthentic life.

The issue is that your subconscious mind isnt a great planner. It's not going to see into the future and understand the consequences of that self destruct.

So i encourage you to consciously take control of this situation.

Please end your marriage, tell everyone it is over, make the grief public and allow others into your isolation so that you can feel loved and start to heal.

I would put money on the idea that if you started to tell the truth about your family, you would stop having crushes etc.

You need support and love.

Do you have any close relationships where you can ask for support?
Are you in counselling?

Also how would you like to be a nice person, being friendly and sociable with another woman and her family thinking she's cool/nice .. while she's sleazing and crushing all over your partner all the time? I'm guessing not.

Now your husband is actually living with another woman?? Does she know about your marital set up?

My current username is becoming more and more apt the longer I use this site!

Your dh lives with another woman five days a week? For the sake of your mental health I think you probably need to call time on your marriage and look to go out and meet available men that you can have a relationship with.

Can you distance yourself from your crush? If not if your dh is dating other people I’d be very tempted to do the same. A sham marriage is doing you no favours.

I think your crush is a fantasy you like escaping to so you can avoid having to confront what is happening to your marriage. I realise that sounds harsh but I think you need to look at the situation more clinically and rationally. Focus on looking after yourself and maybe some counselling. Avoid seeing them, take time to grieve for the marriage.

I'm sure they already know. I'm in a similar situation but in reverse. It's blatantly obvious to DH and to me!

I’m trying to sort out marriage situation but it’s difficult. Dh and I are from very traditional backgrounds and as dramatic as it sounds I don’t think my gma would survive news of us splitting. My il’s would certainly never speak to me or dc’s again (it will be my fault however it’s framed) and my dm would support me quietly but would struggle to do so publicly. So, at the moment it’s easier to just pretend everything’s fine. But it’s not, obviously, because I’m so bored and lonely I’m climbing the walls at the thought of my mates dh.

readit I don’t know for a fact that he’s living with her. So you never know, maybe he’s just shagging her occasionally. Which doesn’t change anything of course.

Oh god gower., if you’re my friend I apologise!

Oh christ please don’t

You can’t carry on living like this OP. It’s tough what your family think. Your DH has left you and is sleeping with somebody else! If they don’t fully support you through that then they aren’t worth having in your life! Stop thinking about the crush and focus on ending your marriage.

Op. Is there a cultural issue here?

If your husband is seeing another woman, and only comes home ar weekends, you really can't continue to pretend like this. It's crazy.

Clearly you're fantasising about this man because you see him being a good partner and your friend is happy and you're so desperately unhappy with living a lie.

You need to end your marriage. Irrelevant of rhe fall out. Pretending like this can't go on.

OP

Just please remember you get literally just one life.

By all means pillory yourself for the sake of your family (who dont even sound like they give much of a fuck about you?), but keep that in mind. Just the one life. Do you want to spend it alone, lonely, feeling like you're weird? If you keep this up, that's how its going to go I'm afraid. A deep seated part of you is going to keep throwing these curveballs at you, possibly destroying the relationships you do have, until you take control.

You need to deal with this, the crush is just a symptom of what is spilling over from the lack of confronting the fact your marriage is over. Face it head on, please.

And I would say you are thinking of telling them/him because subconsciously you do want it to be the start of something. Of course you do, because of how intense your crush is.
You are a perfect candidate for individual therapy. Please get some.

God no, don't embarrass yourself. Honestly, I'm cringing for you.

If it's really that hard just stop hanging out with them. That has to be less awkward. If you tell them you will look like the town's No 1 weirdo. She won't ever want anything to do with you and she will warn all the other women that she's friends with that you're likely to try and steal their husbands.

People will gossip about you, nobody will want to be friends with you and most Importantly your dc will lose their best friend!

Don’t tell him, or her. Lord no.
Crushes do fade. If it is a crush, then at some point he will do some small annoying thing and the crush will disappear.
Wait it out. Maybe in some future life you will be together, but it is more likely that you are having these feelings to highlight everything missing in your relationship.
I think you should end your marriage.

My il’s would certainly never speak to me or dc’s again

Your husband's parents would never speak to their grandchildren again if their parents separated???!!!

The grandchildren who have done nothing, the grandchildren who are their flesh and blood?!

He seems amazing because their marriage is showing up the cracks in yours even more by comparison. I wouldn't confess the crush to your friend, but I might confide that my relationship was breaking down.

Break the chain. Never mind what your grandma or in laws think, this is about you and your children. No wonder your husband has grown up with such dreadful morals if his family won't address right or wrong. Don't bring your children up seeing cheating parents and people living lies. You're only fantasising about your friends husband because it's easier than facing up to the truth about your own situation - the fantasy is easier than the truth.

Abso-fucking-lutely not. You will be making a grave error. The only thing to come out of telling a crush you fancy them is to see if they reciprocate, whether you don't realise this or not. No good could come of this. Your marriage is sadly over and you would also lose your friendship which you clearly value.

Break the chain.

I couldn't agree more with this tbh

Keeping up this sham is how you'll ensure your children suffer just as you have.

Just stop this right now, you are crazy!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Don't say anything. It's just a new person, the intrigue, the excitement that someone else aprt from your DH is hot and attractive.

Tell your friend's DH if you want to completely rip yours and her world apart - even from just having the hots!

Just keep it to yourself.

If you do consider yourself separated from your DH, then follow through - separate properly rather than playing at it and fucking with someone else's life.

I had a massive crush on a very senior figure at my work. I had little silly daydreams etc, thought a lot about him. Reality had hit me and I now see him as a 56 year old man with a a bit of a pot belly (although he still rocks a slim fit shirt and suit). My husband is much more sexy and lovely really.

Just NOOOOOOOOO!!!

My il’s would certainly never speak to me or dc’s again (it will be my fault however it’s framed)

Doesn't sound like any great loss.

How long do you plan on living like this? Don't you think you deserve to be happy?