Should I confront my crush?

[bottomfellout]

Please be gentle and just to make it clear I have absolutely no intention of doing anything at all with this man and certain he wouldn’t either.

I have a crush. It’s ridiculous, I’m a grown woman with a husband and a family and this man is married to a good (although fairly new) friend of mine.

Our dc’s are best friends. We moved to the area last year and I quickly became friends with this child’s mum. She’s lovely, we have lots in common which is rare as I’m pretty weird and it’s really nice to have a good friend in a new area.

Her dh is hot. Really, really hot. To the point where from the first time I met him I realised quite how attracted I was to him and have made a huge effort to not be in his company. We recently went camping together as families and he’s so awesome. Which I keep telling myself he’s not, he probably leaves skid marks in the loo and doesn’t clean up after himself and picks his feet and any number of annoying things that my dh also does.

But I get so flustered around him. It’s been about 10 months now and shows no sign of dying down. We’re doing more and more stuff together as families and it’s just increasingly awkward to try and not be alone with him.

Should I tell him/ my friend that I have a stupid crush and that I’m sorry and it’s stupidly embarrassing (and I’m one million percent sure that it isn’t reciprocated anyway) but I feel like it’s driving me mad. But that would be mortifying wouldn’t it? And my friend would think I’m a tool and it would make things awkward anyway.

I’m hoping just writing it down on here might alleviate it slightly! Any other advice to stop me acting like a simpering mess every time I come into contact with this completely normal man?

I have a crush on a woman I work with. We’re both married. Will I tell her? No. I’m slowly distancing myself from her.

Please reconsider leaving your marriage. Those who truly love you will support you and it further down the line staying in your marriage could cause you a lot of mental health issues.

Why do some many people cone to mumsnet, thinking that telling their married crush that they have a crush on them is a good idea?
While claiming they dont want to plant the seeds

Honestly, op, this is very confusing. Your title says 'confront', you talk about telling him or her. Then say you really dont want to tell him. You dont want any response etc.

Clearly your marriage is over and you are looking for intimacy elsewhere.

You getting divorced will not kill an elderly relative.

Just don't! It is clearly just a distraction from your own marriage problems and you just want what your friend has. Reduce contact with this family and start making friends away from them and in your area, maybe even some online dating

I had an intense crush on someone when I was near the end of my marriage too. I felt like I was going mad - he worked with me and it got incredibly awkward when we had to do a physical restraint course (worked in a special needs school at the time). His hands all over me nearly made me combust. I never said anything to him and it passed, although it was incredibly hard. I can now look back and see he was kind and caring and all the things I wanted in someone, that had completely gone in the relationship I had. I wish I’d ended my marriage then, but didn’t, and he ended up cheating and leaving.
Please think about ending your marriage x

To put it bluntly, don't you dare insert yourself into their marriage in this way.
I'm sorry your marriage has failed and I can appreciate you're lonely but the only way to conduct yourself around this man is to fully understand that he is not and never will be available to you and there is no point in fantasising otherwise. There's a bucket of cold water for you.
All confronting it would achieve is to find yourself promptly on the other side of their front door.

I have commented already, before your updates. Now, I think that you need to focus on ending your marriage. He’s making a fool of you. Once you gain some control I think this crush will pass. If your ILs drop you, that reflects badly on them not on you. And you’ll need local friends for support so don’t rock the boat!

See a solicitor next week.

Your crush really is the least of your problems. It’s probably your brains way of coping with the other crap. Obviously do not say a word to the other couple if you still want to maintain a friendship with them. At best it will all just be awkward, at worst they will tell you to fuck off.

You really do need to wind your relationship up with your hopefully STBX husband. If your family disown you for leaving an unhappy marriage then you need to disown them for not being kind and supportive. Easier says than done I’m sure, but your current status isn’t healthy.

You're really vulnerable at the moment - I hope you can end your marriage as well as possible

Sorry, let me say again I’M NOT GOING TO TELL THEM! Stupid title for my thread. My life is just going to shit and I was just toying with things I could do to stop myself daydreaming about this man. I have no intention of messing up my friendship, my dc’s friendships or my reputation.

I’d leave dh tomorrow if everything could carry on as it is. But my in-laws own our house and they would want me gone if they knew we’d split. If I took my dc’s they’d cut contact with them too. I’m not in a position financially to be able to look after them on my own. I’m in the process of getting some money together and hopefully by the end of the year I will have enough money and confidence to get my boys and go. Until then my mind seems to enjoy fantasising about my friends dh. Who I’m not going to say a word to.

This lovely woman befriended you with kindness and inclusion when you were new in town....and now you are crushing all over her husband and are considering telling them. Please do not violate their boundaries in this way.

You need to back off from this couple as much as possible.

It sounds like you are living a half life. You would likely benefit from individual counseling to strengthen your self esteem, learn positive coping strategies, and make a plan to end your marriage.

You've done nothing wrong, bottomfellout, feelings are not wrong, no one can help them but - telling him and possibly telling his wife WOULD be wrong and ruin your friendship.

These feelings will pass I promise you. Then you'll be glad you said nothing.

How many times does the OP need to say she isn't going to tell them?

She's actually only said it once,

No, don't tell him. Or her.

FWIW, I've had a massive, ridiculous crush on someone I work closely with for the last year or so. And, to make matters worse, I'm about 98% certain that he has an even bigger crush on me.

But he's happily married and there are issues of corporate hierarchy involved and he's a grown-arse adult as am I.

So we've an implicit understanding that, without either of us ever having mentioned it, we'd both totally be down for ripping one another's clothes off and having passionate sex on the conference table in full view (thanks, glass walls!) of the entire office, but not only will we not go there but we won't ever drop as much as a hint at anything less than utterly professional because ... see above ... we're both fully functioning adults.

It's just a crush. It's nice to lie awake at night knowing that, if not tonight then yesterday or tomorrow, he's struggling to fall asleep because he's thinking about you, too.

But we're not 15 and that's just not how it works between people with families and jobs and all that good stuff.

Not worth the fall-out. Enjoy your crush. It feels nice to emotionally regress to teenagehood for a bit. But then, this is where the fantasy ends and real life comes into play.

I’m not in a position financially to be able to look after them on my own.

Why would you have to look after them your own?

Do you think your husband would pay nothing towards his children if you separate?
Do you work?
Have you looked into what benefits you would get?

If your in laws have nothing more to do with their grandchildren because you and your husband separated, then seriously they were never worth having in your children's lives anyway; that is beyond cold & cruel, it's immoral.

Also why should you be blamed for the split, your husband is the one who's moved on and is seeing and having sex with someone else, not you. Why do you have to silent about that. Or perhaps your husband will 'agree' to telling everyone that it is a mutual, civilised split if you make it clear you'll tell everyone he has been seeing someone else etc.

Don't see why you should have to fall on your sword or be silent while he's essentially ended your marriage. If it was you who'd done what he's done, you wouldn't be here focusing all your feelings on a crush.

morality in our culture I would be completely excluded from our community if Dh and I were to separate. I would need to move somewhere else if I wanted to keep my dc’s with me or my il’s would make it very difficult for me and my side of the family.

Dh and I have spoken and he claims he would support me financially if we split. If/ when his parents found out he was supporting me then it would definitely stop. I don’t work and have no real qualifications sadly but I’d like to try and get something. Dh could tell them he’s been shagging half of England and it would still be me that would have to leave our home.

Sorry, meant this to be a bit of a light hearted thread but it’s turned into something else!

I’d leave dh tomorrow if everything could carry on as it is.

This is literally the management summary of what the real issue with your marriage is. The crush is but a distraction.

If you're unhappy, go ahead and leave regardless of practicalities. I did (and moved into a friend and her husband's spare room/home office for a few months because I was so broke). Still the smartest decision I've ever made.

Your thread title is misleading then if you actually have no intentions of saying anything to your crush.
For the record not all males leave skid marks down the toilet and I for one would not be putting up with that.

readit dh and I are pretty much separated. He works away 5 days a week and we have spoken about him seeing someone else. We still work as a family at weekends and I haven’t met anyone else and I’m not looking to either.

Dh and I get along just fine most of the time so not really an issue. so which is it?

Sorry, meant this to be a bit of a light hearted thread but it’s turned into something else!

Light hearted ? You are lusting after a friend's husband ?

This is ridiculous. are you teenager, no you are not, so try and be more mature about life and it's little happenings. There must be hundreds of people who are attracted to other men or women,who are not available. So get real,don't say anything to others,and distance yourself from your own fantasy crush.

Dunno why people are scolding you like they think you're a 5 year old. Really weird!

“Should I tell him/ my friend that I have a stupid crush and that I’m sorry and it’s stupidly embarrassing (and I’m one million percent sure that it isn’t reciprocated anyway) but I feel like it’s driving me mad. “

Maybe that’s why. It’s a daft thing to present is it not?

for fuck's sake, how is this even a question, pull yourself together @bottomfellout

You need to speak to a professional.

Is there a women’s aid or ethnic minority women’s centre near you who could advise on your situation?

Have you done a benefits check on entitledto?

You are homeless, as bad as temps are they are better than this!