DH and colleague - am I overreacting

[twitterbird]

I think a line has been crossed, DH disagrees so how would you feel about this.

I've had a niggle about this woman before, he has mentioned her a few times but nothing untoward. Friday he was out with work in a diff city and came home absolutely steaming drunk. He left at around 1030 to get the train but was sending her Facebook messages until gone 1am. Very jokey, talking about hating leaving early, telling her she should go and shag her husband. I feel very uncomfortable about this but he is saying it is just work banter and I'm overreacting by being upset. Am I?

Relationship great otherwise, never had anything like this before.

No, you're not over-reacting. What will you do now?

Also, work banter is making a joke about someone hogging the stapler 🤔.

How do you know about the messages?

It does sound a bit inappropriate.

Yes very inappropriate.
Interesting too that you've had a niggle before about her. I'd keep an eye on it.

Inappropriate to say the least. I’d be putting a stop to it pronto. Wouldn’t have it at all.

WTF? Go shag her husband?

No. Not office banter. Crossing a line.

She's shown some interest in him and like the stupid arse he is he has got reeled in a bit . Men are so easily flattered . I would imagine she has shown some sexual interest in him hence the " go home and shag your husband" comment.

I have to agree with you. A line has well and truly been crossed there.
Wish I had some practical advice but don't let him gaslight you with 'it's only bants' ..total cop out.

Inappropriate. And he's being a dick for minimising rather than admitting he's crossed a line.

He was messaging her via Facebook and I saw it flash up, then I asked to see them. You've confirmed what I know. I'm going to have a talk to him later and explain that their was nothing professional about that convo and that whilst being friends with people at work is fine that took it too far. And yes jokes about the stapler are fine, shagging and sexual innuendo is not. And to be honest there is no need to be on a social media messaging system to her either!

I wouldn't be happy about this.

Does he send similar messages to male colleagues he's friendly with? Nah, thought not

I'd chill out about it tbh, if it keeps happening when he's sober then maybe keep an eye on it but otherwise I'd just put it down to drunken banter!

Watch his reaction to your concerns. If he ridiculed you, minimises it or stonewalls you then that makes it much worse. My stbxh did something similar and refused to discuss it - telling me I needed to get over it and it was nothing. I knew it wasn’t nothing and his refusal to discuss/repair fatally injured our marriage and emotional intimacy. Read Shirley glass. ‘Not just friends’

He's crossed a line, but presumably he's let you read the messages? That's a good sign. You definitely need to talk to him though, he may not have realised that he's on a slippery slope and in the cold light of day hopefully he'll understand that.

To be honest he didn't have much choice but to show me! I doubt very much he would have mentioned it unless I'd seen it. I'm possibly reading a bit too much into it but he seemed more flirty with her, he said the shagging comment was because she had said that her and her husband don't get much time together and they had been talking about how hard it can be with young kids etc. There is another night out in a few weeks, I will be watching out for any inappropriate contact following that and take things from there.

You’re very much underreacting.

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest, I'm 42 though so maybe it's an age thing. I have also always worked in the motor industry all my life with mainly men so maybe that's why..... He's telling her to go home to her husband effectively. It wouldn't cross my mind again

Being a woman who works with all men I would find it so inappropriate to even talk about something like that. All the men I work with would never mention anything like that to or in front of me, and to be honest I doubt they would even do it when I was not there. DP works in same industry as me and if he was messaging a woman like that I would go through the roof.

Flirty, sex talk, messaging her for hours until 1:00 a.m., minimizing.

You need to go nuclear on him for this. Something is simmering here. Don’t tolerate.his downplaying.

Very inappropriate as well as her talking about her relations with her DH. Poor her no sex and someone could rescue a sex starved damsel in distress.

I'd give him enough rope to hang himself tbh.

What good does "going nuclear" do? Let him do whatever he thinks is right. Then you get to see what kind of person he is without you intervening.

You can't argue someone into being faithful. Let it play out and you'll know the measure of the man. Why would you want to be with someone who you have to shout at to make him behave?

No absolutely unacceptable behaviour.

No you can't stop someone being unfaithful but you can make it very clear what you consider fidelity to be and that you won't tolerate any level of betrayal.

In my book that includes sexualised conversations, personal compliments especially about looks, excessive and unnecessary communication, spending too much time 1 on 1 excluding others including other colleagues.

Spell it out to him, then if he breaches those boundaries he cannot claim ignorance as a defence and will have to own his actions as treacherous to your relationship.

It was a work colleague (and supposedly also friend of mine) that my ex cheated with and this is how it starts.

I wish I'd had mn in my pocket then.

Does he usually message his friends until 1am after a night out?.

But this time he will be savvy!

Also, the talk re. Not getting so much time together and it's hard with kids is a classic opener to at least an emotional affair and then very soon after, a physical one.