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Original poster

He says he regrets having a child

57 replies

Barnabyblue · 27/06/2019 19:58

My husband I have been together since we were teenagers and have known eachothers since we started school. We're now 30 and for the most part our relationship has been really good. I always made it clear I definitely wanted children and he seemed completely on board with the idea. It took 3 years of TTC and a difficult and miserable pregnancy but now finally have DD who's 12 weeks old. Recently our relationship has suffered, there's been a lot of issues between us and a lot of arguments. What he said yesterday really took me by surprise. He said he didn't actually want to have a child in the first place and only agreed to because he knew how much I wanted one, he thought these feelings would change once she was born but they haven't. I thought he was just saying this because he was angry at me and he didn't actually mean it. He stormed off for a bit before coming back to me, this time a lot calmer and explained he did actually feel this way. That he'd agreed to have a child because he thought I wouldn't have wanted to stay with him if he didn't, that essentially had DD so he could stay with me. Now had I found out years ago that he didn't want kids it would have been quite a bit of deal breaker as being a mum has always been something I've wanted but to find this out now we have DD is just heartbreaking. It feels like this is possibly it for us

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 27/06/2019 20:06

This would be a relationship ending issue for me,OP. How can a man "go along" with TTC for three full years and suddenly claim not wanting to be a father with a precious little baby girl? Unless he hasn't properly bonded with her yet but that would still get my ire.

Piggle23 · 27/06/2019 20:11

Seems odd after 12 years? Any changes in behaviour lately?

Original poster
Barnabyblue · 27/06/2019 20:13

He has been very different lately, I doubt he's constantly felt like this over the past few years but I don't know

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 27/06/2019 20:17

What have been the issues and what were the arguments about?

Assuming he’s telling the truth about not having wanted to have DC (he may be lying) is he going to take responsibility for not telling you and having your DC? And step up to be a decent partner and father?

Suggest couple’s counselling.

CallMeOnMyCell · 27/06/2019 20:17

How awful for you. This should be the happiest time of your life with your precious baby. What do you want to do?

ReganSomerset · 27/06/2019 20:19

Lots of men struggle in the early days, it's a total change, they get far less of you than they did and it's hard to bond with babies when they don't do much except cry and lie on their mums. I reckon he'll change his mind once she's a bit older. My DH never said anything like that but I could tell he really started to bond once she hit around six months. Keep encouraging him to spend time with her.

PeoniesarePink · 27/06/2019 20:20

That's really cruel to say about a 12 week old baby Sad

I'm not sure I could get over that.

raspberryk · 27/06/2019 20:23

Men can be selfish and jealous creatures and I have heard of a lot of men getting put out when they realise how much work a baby is and how they now come second.
I don't see what he wants to achieve by telling you this, is he expecting you to put your beloved child up for adoption?
Just know that if he decided to want out then you'd be absolutely fine without him, I was a single parent from when my daughter was 10 weeks old and let me tell you it's easier to parent alone rather than trying to placate an overgrown manchild as well. x

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/06/2019 20:23

I’m not excusing his behaviour it would break my heart, but women have 9months to prepare for a baby, he’s struggling with the change to his life that happened 12 weeks ago. It’s not right but I do think he could change his mind, as your DD needs you less and he can take more of a role he
Could realise the blessing that is your DD.

allhalekale · 27/06/2019 20:25

Yeah I agree with pp. tiredness and the life change really doesn’t bring out the best in people. The first 12 weeks are the toughest. I don’t think my dd’s dad started to like her till she was about 10 months/ a year. He was always more fond of the dog till that point. Hmm

Piggle23 · 27/06/2019 20:28

Sorry op, read that wrong (12 years). What are the odd behaviours?

womaninthedark · 27/06/2019 20:33

Your dd is twelve weeks old.

Most men have sod all in the way of father-feeling or father-skills at that stage.

I have never known any couple be blissfully happy in this phase - you're tired and your fanny has been through hell, he probably believed life would be a long sex session after the baby arrived... then he'll be jealous that you care more about the baby than him... it's a really difficult time.

I'm always an 'ltb' person, but in your case I'd give him another three months, if he wants to stick around. If he goes, sod him, you've got a baby and that's all you need right now.

Original poster
Barnabyblue · 27/06/2019 20:38

He's been far too close to a female friend recently and I know they've kissed. So that on top of this has really made me question our marriage. Sorry if that was a drip feed but I was willing to try to move past that, now I'm not so sure

OP posts:
Mammajay · 27/06/2019 20:39

I agree with woman in the dark. Give it time.

Littlehouse156 · 27/06/2019 20:41

I’d give it time. Some men don’t bond with babies when they are in the permanently attached to mum phase. I also think there are many men who aren’t bothered either way by having kids and only do so for their partner. Most would never say it out loud though. A lot then grow into it over time though and once baby is a toddler they love it and many become great fathers.

Littlehouse156 · 27/06/2019 20:42

Why drip that in? Puts a whole new slant on my advice

category12 · 27/06/2019 20:43

Ah the OW explains a lot.

Chances are he's disengaged because he's after her and he's rewriting history to make out that he never wanted the same things.

BackseatKnitter · 27/06/2019 20:43

My marriage has suffered over the first year of our daughter’s life - we’ve been tired and snapped at each other loads and it took both of us a while to develop a full bond with DD and love her as much as we do now.

It may take a while but I think your DH will start to love your DD more as she grows. For DH it was around 4.5m when she would properly smile and responded more to him. Now her own little personality shines through and we’re both completely smitten.

firesong · 27/06/2019 20:46

I had my second because my partner wanted a child (he knew this) and I wouldn't have chosen to myself. It made it difficult bonding with my son, and it was so hard. I think these things take time, and he needs to see how much better it gets. If you love each other and are happy normally, you should be able to get back to a happier relationship. Obviously this depends on whether you want to.

Original poster
Barnabyblue · 27/06/2019 20:47

He has cut all contact with her but his behaviour certainly has made me see him in a new light

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2019 · 27/06/2019 20:49

Sounds like it's more than a kiss and he misses hes old life with no restrictions to having a child, my ex was the same when I had ds and was messing about his is ex and left me when ds was one for his ex.

eggsandwich · 27/06/2019 20:50

I had something similar with my dh.

I fell pretty quickly with our ds who was our first child, he wasn’t a very easy baby not that all babies are easy, but I still to this day remember my dh washing up and and me drying and he said “if I had known then like I know now I would never of had him”

I was devastated, it didn’t help that I had pnd and things just spiralled for me, I lost so much weight and my health visitor was shocked when I took my ds for his weigh in.

My ds is now 19 has special needs but my dh is fantastic with him and has a lovely father and son bond with him.

I really believe he was suffering from depression as well which may of been triggered by me having an extremely difficult labour and him witnessing this, also there were no children on his side of the family so I don’t think he really knew what to expect.

Dullardmullard · 27/06/2019 20:50

Do not do the pick me dance

throw the fukker out and concentration on your daughter, he is rewriting history and is using this as an excuse.

CMS right away as well as she is his responsibility too regardless if he doesnt want anything to do with her.

do you have a support network at all as id be leaning on them right now.

AnotherEmma · 27/06/2019 20:52

"He's been far too close to a female friend recently and I know they've kissed. So that on top of this has really made me question our marriage. Sorry if that was a drip feed but I was willing to try to move past that, now I'm not so sure"

Oh come the fuck on
He had an affair and you're wondering why his heart isn't in it with your newborn?
Find your self respect and end it

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