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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He says he regrets having a child

57 replies

Barnabyblue · 27/06/2019 19:58

My husband I have been together since we were teenagers and have known eachothers since we started school. We're now 30 and for the most part our relationship has been really good. I always made it clear I definitely wanted children and he seemed completely on board with the idea. It took 3 years of TTC and a difficult and miserable pregnancy but now finally have DD who's 12 weeks old. Recently our relationship has suffered, there's been a lot of issues between us and a lot of arguments. What he said yesterday really took me by surprise. He said he didn't actually want to have a child in the first place and only agreed to because he knew how much I wanted one, he thought these feelings would change once she was born but they haven't. I thought he was just saying this because he was angry at me and he didn't actually mean it. He stormed off for a bit before coming back to me, this time a lot calmer and explained he did actually feel this way. That he'd agreed to have a child because he thought I wouldn't have wanted to stay with him if he didn't, that essentially had DD so he could stay with me. Now had I found out years ago that he didn't want kids it would have been quite a bit of deal breaker as being a mum has always been something I've wanted but to find this out now we have DD is just heartbreaking. It feels like this is possibly it for us

OP posts:
DeadButDelicious · 27/06/2019 20:53

He's been far too close to a female friend recently and I know they've kissed. So that on top of this has really made me question our marriage. Sorry if that was a drip feed but I was willing to try to move past that, now I'm not so sure

I'll be honest OP from your first post the first thought that popped into my head was that there was someone else in the picture. Cheating at any point in a relationship is a dick move but to do it whilst your partner is pregnant/has just given birth (I assume this because you say recently, forgive me if that is an incorrect assumption) is the behaviour of a fucking arsehole and one you can do well without.

Honestly? I'd be long gone, 12 weeks is so early and you won't feel like you can do it but you can. You really can. You deserve so much more that a man who would deceive you in such a disgusting way.

Mishappening · 27/06/2019 20:53

I think you need to give him time as regards the baby - some men can't relate to babies but establish a good relationship as they get older.

I would be more interested in asking about the kissing of another woman - it sounds to me as though his grumbles about the baby are just a peg to hang his guilt on so he can justify his misdemeanours.

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this uncomfortable position at what should be such a happy time.

Betty777 · 27/06/2019 20:54

Wow, this is all sounding so familiar. My DH said a lot of this to me, but even he waited until DC was 1.

Its such early days for both of you, I would try and let things settle so you can both get a little used to things. He may just be in a panic that he wasn't expecting to be in (and being an arse to you about it)

I agree that he may be re-writing history to reflect how he feels now - but you may not be able to make him see that.

Good luck. Try to stay calm and enjoy your little one. Maybe revisit your thoughts in a couple of months time and try to have a decent chat then about how you both feel, or see a counsellor. Lots of people do get through this
(and remind yourself that in some ways even if it's true, it's prob a good thing that you didnt' know how he felt, because now you have your fabulous baby!)

Shelbybear · 27/06/2019 20:55

That is awful I really feel for you.

I would be so angry though with him saying that about your little baby. I know at that stage it's really hard but I think I'd be seriously considering packing his bags and telling him to go. Even if just for some breathing space for you and some time to think things through.

womaninthedark · 27/06/2019 20:59

Oh, ffs! If he admits to kissing, what is he keeping to himself?

I take it back. Don't give him a second longer of your life. Claim it back. He's not worth the effort.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/06/2019 21:00

but women have 9months to prepare for a baby, he’s struggling with the change to his life that happened 12 weeks ago.

Confused

What?

Are you saying that just because they aren't growing the baby themselves, men aren't remotely aware of the fact that the bump their partner & mother of their soon to be child is sporting; is in fact a growing baby who will arrive in 9 months time, with all that entails in its parents' lives.

cptartapp · 27/06/2019 21:07

Your relationships over really isn't it?
I'd put the wind up him, and ask him which half of the week he wants 24/7 care of the child he chose to have and is as responsible for as you are.

Loopytiles · 27/06/2019 21:07

So he’s had an affair, and is following the script.

Saffy101 · 27/06/2019 21:07

My Ex and I had a 2 year old DS when our DD was born and he announced that - he didn't want a gir!.! And yes it turned out he was having an affair and yes he eventually left me for her nearly 4 miserable years later.... Think long and hard about what is going on around you.

motherofcats81 · 27/06/2019 21:12

He is rewriting history OP and trying to blame you/ justify what he's been doing and feeling. So don't let him do that.

But there is a special place in hell for men who cheat on their partners just after they've given birth, IMO

Wildorchidz · 27/06/2019 21:12

I think it’s better to go your separate ways.

ReganSomerset · 27/06/2019 21:15

I'd ignore the LTB brigade on this, OP and not do anything rash right now. You lose nothing by waiting it out a bit. Don't rush into a life changing decision while sleep deprived and very hormonal.

This from a regular LTB-er.

NameWithChange · 27/06/2019 21:19

Really feel for you @Barnabyblue. There is a big period of adjustment for both of you. Not just having a new person in the mix but also he has lost the exclusive you that he had for so long.

No one here really knows the extent of what has gone on with the OW. It may have been a wobble and a kiss and he really has cut contact.

I think you just need to find a way (and the time) to have talk through things calmly and rationally. Can you go to counselling? For guidance through the talking if nothing else.

Don't run with the LTB posters immediately, it is a huge change to a relationship when a baby arrives and it can take a while for Dads (or Mums) to bond.

Hope you are ok and getting some rest and 'me' time in all the newborn chaos.

Haworthia · 27/06/2019 21:24

Here’s “the script” OP - see if it resonates.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script

WinterSunglasses · 27/06/2019 21:29

He's rewriting the narrative to suit his current feelings. I agree with Regan about not doing anything rash. But you also should not be apologising to him for him being a dad and having responsibilities, which he went into willingly, and you should make sure he still meets those responsibilities. Don't think you have to make it all cool and easy for him because he's confused Hmm.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/06/2019 21:30

I think you should sit him down and tell him you feel the two of you need time apart so the BOTH of you can decide what you want in life going forward. Ask him to find somewhere to stay for at least the next 2-3 weeks. Since you have a new baby to care for you should stay in your home, where things are set up for the baby. If you want, you could consider telling him that couples counseling will be mandatory during this separation so the two of you can talk with someone there to help you both communicate clearly. If he refuses, you go alone. This is a situation that needs someone uninvolved for you to bounce things off of.

It would be the end of the marriage for me. You cannot have a successful marriage, let alone raise a child successfully, if one member of the couple doesn't want the child. It's just not possible.

AyBeeCee10 · 27/06/2019 21:36

So your baby is here and he says that? That's unforgivable. A deal breaker for me. Why subject your child to a parent that doesnt want her. He sounds so cruel.

BumandChips · 27/06/2019 21:46

Was it really just a kiss?

I wonder if he’s feeling like he’s missed out somehow as you’ve been together for so long (not that his behaviour is ok).

Merryoldgoat · 27/06/2019 22:09

Look. If a man can cheat on you when you’re at your most vulnerable he’s a vile shit.

Personally I wouldn’t stay.

BummyKnocker · 27/06/2019 22:10

I wonder why he said that, it is so cruel and damaging, I wonder if he wants you to chuck him out, because he can't be bothered to make the move, like he can't be bothered to be a father.

You and your daughter deserve better.

PerfectPeony2 · 27/06/2019 22:15

Hmm, those first weeks are so hard. I know DH didn’t bond with DD very well because I was breastfeeding and she cried a lot. So it took him longer. Secretly, he may have regretted it. DD and I had a special bond from the start and he didn’t get that.

Babies are fucking hard work and turn your relationship upside down. A lot of parents think ‘oh my god, what have we done!’. Then things settle down and life becomes easier.

Don’t give up on everything yet. You need more time to figure out how you work as a family. I really don’t think he should have shared that with you at such a difficult, vulnerable time but I really do think these feeling are quite common in those early stages.

PerfectPeony2 · 27/06/2019 22:16

Oh god... I didn’t read your update about the kiss with a female friend. Horrific. He doesn’t like like a good man at all.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 27/06/2019 22:21

My first thought was “cherchez la femme”. I’m sorry OP. Not sure this is salvageable.

BrendasUmbrella · 28/06/2019 00:11

women have 9months to prepare for a baby

No, generally couples find out at around the same time... I've heard this phrase before, and no offence but it's just bollocks. It's not like a childcare manual is being downloaded into our brains over nine months. I was aware I had a squirming being in me using my kidneys as a football but it didn't mean I was any more prepared for dealing with a baby than he was. It's just more expected of mothers.

If anything a father should be more equipped because he hasn't been through months of morning sickness, all other pregnancy complications, a changing body, huge hormonal fluctuations, childbirth, recovering from childbirth, learning to breastfeed for those that do, and breastfeeding complications, along with more hormonal fluctuations...

NameWithChange · 28/06/2019 00:43

How can either party be more 'equipped' for the bombshell that is a first child in a relationship that has just had the 2 of them in for so long?

Sorry OP you are getting some dodgy advice. It is well acknowledged that it can take a while for any sex of parent to bond.

I'm not making excuses for him. But please
just don't make any rash decisions, You know him, you know your relationship - you don't quite know how the 2 of you are as parents yet. And it is early days.

Best of luck.