He says he regrets having a child

[Barnabyblue]

My husband I have been together since we were teenagers and have known eachothers since we started school. We're now 30 and for the most part our relationship has been really good. I always made it clear I definitely wanted children and he seemed completely on board with the idea. It took 3 years of TTC and a difficult and miserable pregnancy but now finally have DD who's 12 weeks old. Recently our relationship has suffered, there's been a lot of issues between us and a lot of arguments. What he said yesterday really took me by surprise. He said he didn't actually want to have a child in the first place and only agreed to because he knew how much I wanted one, he thought these feelings would change once she was born but they haven't. I thought he was just saying this because he was angry at me and he didn't actually mean it. He stormed off for a bit before coming back to me, this time a lot calmer and explained he did actually feel this way. That he'd agreed to have a child because he thought I wouldn't have wanted to stay with him if he didn't, that essentially had DD so he could stay with me. Now had I found out years ago that he didn't want kids it would have been quite a bit of deal breaker as being a mum has always been something I've wanted but to find this out now we have DD is just heartbreaking. It feels like this is possibly it for us

Ah he's rewriting history. He can now leave and it's your fault because you wanted a child and he didn't. He's a victim. I'd tell him to get to fuck and leave.

Ltc

Leave
The
C**t

I think he needs some time.. women have 9 months to bond with a baby before they arrive.. it can take longer for a man especially if they don’t have that maternal pull in the first place. The first few months are very tough and life changing and it sounds like the other girl was an escape from that.

If it was a women feeling this way about a baby we would jump straight to post natal depression and give her support, I think we need to understand that this can happen in men too.

From your OP I would say give him time. Plenty of women come on here and say they regret having babies, and they are treated with kindness. Rightly, because parenting can be hard especially at first, and it doesn't do any harm to express your feelings to your partner/a forum/a counsellor /etc.

From your follow up post I would say this is a whole different issue.

I think maybe he needs a sharp reminder of everything he'd be giving up before he persuades himself that he never wanted any of this and gets drawn into something with another woman again.

A break will do you both good. No contact, give you both time to have some breathing space so you can think about what you both want to do. I agree with PP about the fact he's rewriting history to suit his current mood. I don't believe you railroaded him into this with no idea - you spent 3 yrs TTC for goodness sake! He'd have to be a bloody Oscar winning actor to hide his feelings for that long.

And trying to be charitable, maybe he had this fling with the other woman because he was panicking about impending fatherhood. Before I'm lynched, no that doesn't make it OK, but may explain his mindset. Some men can be right dicks when they're panicked.

I really think a break will do you good, encourage you to think about whether he's still giving you what you need. And it will also allow him to realise the full extent of what he'd be losing.

Also, you're at a tough stage right now with sleep deprivation and a new bundle that basically just poos, eats and sleeps. Many men feel redundant and don't bond easily so however hurtful it may be, I wouldn't assume that he'll never form a bond with his DD.

Hope you're doing OK, this is bloody awful timing. Hugs x

How can either party be more 'equipped' for the bombshell that is a first child in a relationship that has just had the 2 of them in for so long?

Well the two of them and the other woman he has been cheating with, if he has admitted to a kiss, what is he covering up, there is always more.

I'm so sorry OP, this should be a happy time in your life, not dealing with this bullshit. I think you should talk this through with a counsellor alone, take some space from "D"P and then see if you want joint counselling to try to save the relationship.

I'm another who suspected another woman as soon as I read your opening post. It's normal to be really obsessed with a new baby and not to be able to stop talking about them - one of the things that would stop that would be having someone else on his mind.

I would be so hurt by his actions and by what he said that I would tell him to get out and live with the consequences of what he's done.