Another sulking matter..

[WhateverName2]

If a couple is arguing, and one say "you are too angry and too cold to discuss matters, go be somewhere else, untill you are ready to discuss to find agreement, i love you and i want to reconsile when you are ready, but you are too angry now" - how long is then acceptebel for the angry person calms down and come back? Days? Hours?
Argument was about minor stuff that blew up to values, responsibilities and, in my opinion, sexism.

If someone said that to me then I'd think they were being quite patronising.

Really? Why? It was to avoid it to escalate, and as he was so pissed of, we didnt get anywhere.
I certainly didnt mean to be patronising.

Erm. I'd also find that patronising and it would be guaranteed to make me not calm down!

I think it's ok to ask for space for a few to calm down if people are getting really heated. But the way that's delivered can make a big impact.

As for time to calm down, it depends on the severity of the situation. Normal 'everyday' sort of fight (say about chores or sometihng) I'd say a few minutes? Something huge like discoveing cheating? As long as the person needs.

We argued about our 16 year old son contraception. Son said last week to me, he had some. 3 days later he didnt. H was appaled that neither the girls mom or me had bought any. I work from home, really busy and it slipped my mind. I told h there is 4 parents here, yes i forgot, but why only woman responsible? Why didnt he buy on way from work? He "assumed" i valued my sons safe sex and he "assumed " i didnt want to be grandmother yet. A no answer.
He also was very judgemental about the girls mom, i said you dont know why she didnt take care of it - she can have cancer, she can have a sick elderly mom, you dont know what other people deal with.
It turned out he was right, the girl is somewhat neglected - but he didnt know that, at the time, and was all high and mighty. So, we argued over him being judgemental about the other mom, and him saying it was the moms jobs to make sure they had contraception. It is my job, and it slipped my mind, and my point is, it is not only my responsibility.
That argument was on friday. Days went with him being only polite and quiet. Yesterday we foind out girl is a bit neglected, and argument started over, ending with me saying this is not resolving when you are so angry and icy, go and come back when you can deal with discussion calmly.
Just wondering how long that can take..

Sounds like how you would talk to a child.
I wouldn't appreciate that either to be honest.
I totally see where you are coming from though.
I would have just walked away and taken myself off somewhere else.
The calm down period really depends. Does this happen often?
If so then how often?
How is it normally resolved?
If someone was being really angry I would ask them to leave for a day.

No your both wrong .
Your son is old enough to want sex, he is old enough to go buy the protection he needs himself ...

(Missing point of post) Surely if your son is responsible enough to be sexually active he can also get protection himself?

I’d feel v irritated with the patronising phrasing and probably wouldn’t want to discuss until the other person apologised. You definitely have a point regarding only you being the parent though.

Tell your son where to get free condoms.
www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Free%20condoms/LocationSearch/732

I think you'd really have to phrase this as "We are both too upset to talk about this effectively, let's take a break".

Personally I would have said “Can we talk about this calmly please?”

I’d discuss with your son about how he will be financially responsible for 16 to 18 years if he doesn’t cover his knob.

English is clearly not my first language so it is not worded correct. I dont see him as a child. But he always get so cold and sarcastic when we debate. And it escalates, that is why i asked him so go away untill he was calm.
Yes son - and girl - should be able to buy the things themselves, but they dont. And it pisses me off he think it is a womans job only. We live in the middle of nowhere, 10 miles to nearest shop, kids off school and me working from home - h is the only one going into civilisation every day, and it did not occur to him to bring a packet - only to blame the moms and our lack of responsibility..

Yeah if your son is having sex then he should be buying the condoms. The girl could also be on contraception for all you know.

You're right though that your dh is being unreasonable

I wouldn't assume that English is "clearly" not your first language. I proofread for non-natives and hadn't noticed - just thought you made a few spelling mistakes.

This is sad because so long as your son never bothers your going to have this argument every week or so.
Ask your husband to have a man chat with your son about no condom no sex, and that children cost, are for ever and simply spending the money stops this....

But i was not too upset. I was hurt he was so sexist about who is responsible, and i find him judgemental, but i was also friendly and wanting to resolve.
He was clearly cold, sarcastic and escalating.
We dont argue often. But he always get angry and icy, when we do.

If you didn't buy them, would your son just have sex without them?

Yes, if you say "We are too upset to talk properly", you are saying that as a form of diplomacy, not because it is true.

I would be offended by what you said. Not the intent but the phrasing which was high handed and patronising. You treated him like a naughty toddler being sent to the naughty step.

The crux of your argument is that you both think the other should take responsibility for buying contraception. You are right that it is not a mother’s job. But if you must micromanage his sex life you both need to agree how to go about it. After 16+ years that shouldn’t be difficult if you both stop blaming and finger pointing. Agree what needs to be done now.

Personally I think you need to give the responsibility to your son.

I don’t understand the comments about his girlfriend or her family. But they sound likely to offend him and her even if put in the most diplomatic way.

Girl is not on contraception and did not talk to mom about it - that is what he think is neglect. I also find it really bad, but as i said, you dont know the mom, you dont know what goes on in her life.
And if kids dont buy this themselves - we are 4 parents to buy, not only the woman.

Wow - why does he think it's a womans 'job' to sort out protection?
2 consenting adults are having sex.
It's up to both of them to sort out contraception.
It takes 2 people to have sex.
Your husband sounds like a prick to be honest.
Tell him you are both parents and either one of you can get condoms.
But I would take your DS and his DGF to the sexual health clinic and get them to stock up on free condoms.
Or maybe talk to the mother (if she is receptive) and see if she is open to her DD taking other contraception.

It will take as long as it takes.
Do NOT back down.
Do NOT go to him.
Wait for him to come to you and see if you can discuss calmly.
I doubt it from what you say about your 'D'H.

I'd avoid getting into accusations of sexism, etc. The point of your conversation was " son and girlfriend need contraception". All that you needed was to speak to your son, and tell him to buy some condoms tomorrow. Give him the money and check that he has bought them and knows how to use them. That's all. No arguments with DH were needed.

Lots going on here. You were really patronising and I wouldn’t come back to you after that either. You’ve basically cold shouldered him and it’s controlling. You are dictating the nature of the argument by shutting it down. However, you aren’t wrong in your point of the argument. Rather than attack you and the mum he could have gone buy the condoms. If he’s that bothered then go to Boots. He has legs and a credit card. It’s not just your job and he’s treating you and the other mum like his personal secretary. I’d dig my heels in over that too. Is he always that sexist? The other thing is your son. You need to come together with him and get the contraception sorted. Your husband has behaved like a dick to be honest and then you made it worse so fault on both sides. Your son is old enough to be rutting so he’s old enough to be protecting. If he’s not taking care of himself then strong words need to be had and no overnights with the GF. Why isn’t your son buying his own condoms? He’s essentially an adult now.

Hellsbells - i dont call him dh right now. Only h.
I talked very long with both kids when i found out and they will make sure they take care of it, or if not, tell me.
I dont know the mother, kids always here, apparently they have no food in her house.

Girl is not on contraception and did not talk to mom about it - that is what he think is neglect. I also find it really bad, but as i said, you dont know the mom, you dont know what goes on in her life.
If the mum doesn't know her daughter is sexually active, she's not neglecting her. And if condoms are being used, then the girl is using contraception.

And if kids dont buy this themselves - we are 4 parents to buy, not only the woman.
Obviously. But why would anyone else buy condoms for them? It's them that want to have sex. Do you think they are stupid enough to have sex without contraception?

Raven - kids have been together several months, obviously they are at it. They apparently think pull out method is contraception, even though i have bought condoms for him before.
They are very clear now, it is not acceptebel method and this conversation is not as akward as being pregnant at 15.
I really didnt want to sound patronising, h was just escalating things and there was no reconsiliation in sight, because he was so angry. So i asked him to go calm down and come back when he was ready.