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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Another sulking matter..

69 replies

WhateverName2 · 26/06/2019 08:15

If a couple is arguing, and one say "you are too angry and too cold to discuss matters, go be somewhere else, untill you are ready to discuss to find agreement, i love you and i want to reconsile when you are ready, but you are too angry now" - how long is then acceptebel for the angry person calms down and come back? Days? Hours?
Argument was about minor stuff that blew up to values, responsibilities and, in my opinion, sexism.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhateverName2 · 01/07/2019 15:29

Just got a text, telling me he will be in holiday home, and he assume i will do birthday for child and holiday plan by myself, as he cant do anything right. Super. Got 3 kids here, ofcourse i will, but for fuck sake i hate when he do this hiding..

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Original poster

WhateverName2 · 01/07/2019 15:30

I have not replied, as i apparently is to blame with my approch to grown up children tantrums..

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hellsbellsmelons · 02/07/2019 14:05

Solution is me to keep my mouth shut and ignore
That's definitely not the resolution.
You are find your voice.
That's a good thing.
Keep it up.
Keep ignoring him.
Life will be easier without him anyway.

Original poster

WhateverName2 · 02/07/2019 17:41

He is still in holiday home, i havent contacted him. He hasnt contacted me. This is first time i dont.

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Femodene · 02/07/2019 22:16

Tell him to go and collect his children for contact, the audacity of the prick opting out of parenthood.

Original poster

WhateverName2 · 03/07/2019 06:28

He came home last night, tried to be the victim, and when that didnt work, said he had a headache and went to bed. I slept in daughters bed. Dont know what to say today. It is like my emotions for him has dissapered.

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gerispringer · 03/07/2019 06:40

Goodness this has escalated.!
Seems like you have an unwanted extra child in your life.
I don’t think any of you should be buying condom Btw, it’s a grown up thing and son should be doing it himself. You might as well be wiping his bottom. But that argument seems to have been forgotten.
Maybe counselling would be a good next move.

Original poster

WhateverName2 · 03/07/2019 06:47

It hasnt escalated. He does this - leaving - if he in any way is critizised. He does not do it often anymore, but it changes the way i see him.
He can not regulate his feelings, cant control anger. I have been better at acting accordingly, so he is nice - but i cant be bothered anymore! He is like a child with his emotions. He has good sides. Many. But i dont know if i want to stay anymore as it gets tiring and killing my feelings for him..

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C0untDucku1a · 03/07/2019 06:55

He leaves to control your reactions. He sounds awful.

timeisnotaline · 03/07/2019 07:00

It sounds very tiring, I think I’d be just about checked out too.

Original poster

WhateverName2 · 03/07/2019 07:03

I know. He does not have a relationship with kids, as he is always working, doesnt understand them and does not try.
Our relationship is based on talk of work (our business) and house and sex. (Lack of it)
He is not controlling in any other aspect. I control all the money, i decide around holidays, weekends, etc, mostly, i believe, as he is not bothered as long as he can work work work and nobody critizise him.
I find it hard to have sex with him when he act like this. It takes days/a week for me to get over the hurt. He gets hurt for the lack of sex.
He is up now..

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ravenmum · 03/07/2019 07:57

So every time you are hurt, after a while the issue that hurt you is forgotten and it's all about how you are hurting him by not going to bed with him? Every time you criticise him he runs away and makes it about you being horrible to him? Don't you get tired of him giving you all this criticism and never taking any himself?

Original poster

WhateverName2 · 03/07/2019 08:07

Yep. That is why im posting here.
If i critizise him, he get hurt and either go to bed ("headache"), go out to work and sulk on return, or leave for days.
It frustrates me, it hurt me that he cant talk about things. When he is over his sulking tantrums, he is ready to reconsile - sex - and is hurt yet again if im not up for it.
This time has changed something in me. I dont care if he is hurt right now. I want him to make an efford in the family, with kids and with me, before i even consider it. I havent talked to him yet about it, but he know i am different.

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LannieDuck · 03/07/2019 10:47

I agree with you. I know the thread has moved on a bit, but his attitude was sexist.

Why didnt he buy on way from work? He "assumed" i valued my sons safe sex and he "assumed " i didnt want to be grandmother yet.

But this applies just as much the the other way around - you assumed he valued his son's safe sex, and you assumed he didn't want to be a grandfather yet.

Original poster

WhateverName2 · 03/07/2019 11:10

I honest to god thought son would tell me if he needed, as he dont see many shops. And failing to do so, is is all 4 parents responsibility, not only the moms.. the upside is, h have bought 2 packets.

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ravenmum · 03/07/2019 17:21

That sounds hard to live with. Have you tried counselling or is this the first time you've stood up to him?

Out of interest, has your confidence increased as you have adapted to life in the UK, perfected the language and dealt with the children alone? My exh was also the native speaker, and I think he benefited early on from my lack of experience and reliance on his help. The relationship changed as I became less reliant on him and was better able to judge who was being unreasonable.

Original poster

WhateverName2 · 03/07/2019 22:59

We tried counselling once, he thought it was completely fine to be "authentic" in your emotions, i lost all will to do it again..
Neither of us is english, we are both Scandinavians, living in our native country. But you still have a point - i have a bad back (lack of discos) and only work 6 hours a week. I could not find work, and i am now employed in his compagny. Have been 2 years. He never use the "boss card" but i think i have been very gratefull. Dont get me wrong, i still am very happy for this job, but no so much that he can get away with being "authentic"
I think i am getting stronger. Kids are older and easier (sort of, son has adhd with all the school challenges, but "only" a lazy teenager at home. And very kind to his little sister) so i am not putting up with his sulking and leaving anymore.
I guess it is me who has changed..

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Original poster

WhateverName2 · 04/07/2019 19:25

Aaaand he is angry again.. we had a debate about fucking bees, and he didnt like my argumentation. There is a "bee school" he is attending, and because it is raining, nobody show up. He think that is bad, as the students are responsible for the bees. I argumented that they are students, and the owners are responsible. 5 minuts later, i got up from dinner - we were alone - and said since he pissed off for several days, leaving be to tend to children, cows, ducks, Chicken, cats, dog, house etc, i assumed he could handle the next 4 hours. I took a beer and is now sulking in the sofa. Fuck him.

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Original poster

WhateverName2 · 04/07/2019 20:53

I am actually really sad. It is just so awfull and lonely that he cant take disagreement, if it is about us, or other stuff as the bloody bees. It gets lonely because i miss him the connection.
Which we lave loads. we bought a farm a few years back, and we both love it. Still lots of work, but main house is finished, and perfect. I work from home, he is home early, but he work himself angry, at home, after workh Half of it we dont need, if you ask me. 400 apple trees, 500 m2 fruit trees - a lake! (400 m2, dont know the right word in english) he is so ambitious and hard working - and good!! - but if he lack energy and happiness, it does not matter. Often moody atmosphere, lack of engagement in family - creates distance for me. And then no sex. Bad circle..
I have called him, explained what i wrote here, sort of, and he is on his way back..
Marriage is hard work.

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