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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another sulking matter..

69 replies

WhateverName2 · 26/06/2019 08:15

If a couple is arguing, and one say "you are too angry and too cold to discuss matters, go be somewhere else, untill you are ready to discuss to find agreement, i love you and i want to reconsile when you are ready, but you are too angry now" - how long is then acceptebel for the angry person calms down and come back? Days? Hours?
Argument was about minor stuff that blew up to values, responsibilities and, in my opinion, sexism.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 26/06/2019 09:36

Well, when someone is sexist, they can't really complain if your response is patronising anyway.

Good that the subject has come up with the kids then - maybe buy them a massive jumbo pack of condoms but don't let your husband know - see if he comes up with the idea of getting some himself at all.

Original poster
WhateverName2 · 26/06/2019 09:53

Kids are sorted. And i will talk again and again with them both.
H has texted he think i ruined weekend and the days after, for being so sensitive and treating him like enemy. And he is so hurt.
I replied it is hard to discuss things when he gets accusatory and angry, and i love him and will like to make up, if he is ready.
He is not. He replied with he is deeply hurt that i ruined weekend by calling him judgemental and sexist. I havent replied.

OP posts:
Yabbers · 26/06/2019 09:53

Yeah, that wouldn’t de-escalate a situation if someone spoke to me like that. Damned right I’d be staying away.

Having told him you don’t think it’s the right time for him to be talking to you, telling him he needs to go away until he’s “ready” you are now the one deciding how long that should be?

Controlling much?

LemonTT · 26/06/2019 09:59

You spoke to someone else’s daughter about her contraception. Wow.

The issue for you here is that you take control and in situations that you shouldn’t. Hardly reasonable to call out others who then assume you are in charge of it.

RubberTreePlant · 26/06/2019 10:10

It doesn't sound patronising to me. More people should say that and more people should accept it, and i'd think overnight is a reasonable cooling off period.

Original poster
WhateverName2 · 26/06/2019 10:55

Yes i talked to a 15 year old, sexual active girl about contraception. As she didnt talk to her mom about it, and it seems she is going to be having sex in my house, i did.

And yes, i set bounderies about how angry conversations i will be a part of. And yes, i asked him to go away and cool down, as we have 3 children in this house and he can not go around being annoyed and silent, ruining it for anyone else. I cant see it as controlling. More as bounderies with what i will put up with.
I have texted him, telling him i am here if he want calm conversation. Ignored. Try to call him. Also ignored.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 26/06/2019 11:08

Stop trying now.
You've held out your olive branch and he has chosen to throw it back at you.
Leave him to stew.

Original poster
WhateverName2 · 26/06/2019 13:41

He has sent a txt, letting me know that he will graceiously bless me with his presence, because he wants to know what i have to say about the appaling words of judgemental and sexist that i so unfair have been calling him.
Any advice?

OP posts:
pallisers · 26/06/2019 13:54

Ask him if he said it was your responsibility or that of the girl's mother to sort contraception.

When he says yes say "how would you describe assigning this responsibility only to women if not sexist?"

When he blathers on about it say "okl I agree you aren't sexist so you will be responsible for buying condoms for ds from now on - right?"

Realistically men rarely accept that they are sexist so he won't see it.

mummmy2017 · 26/06/2019 13:57

Tell him he is right, you totally understand now. And thanks for stepping up you and son can sort condoms between you now, as I agree since I don't use them i shouldn't buy them ...

hellsbellsmelons · 26/06/2019 14:12

I'd tell him that you stand by what you said and give your reasons and if he can't see it then you don't want his presence.
The only that should be totally down to a woman is giving birth and breast feeding. Everything else can be done by either sex.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/06/2019 14:17

Oh I hate that sulking shit and you're right in that argument btw, really sexist of him

Original poster
WhateverName2 · 26/06/2019 14:35

But his attitude is that he is so huuurrrt that i called him sexist and judgemental. And i do. I know it is shitty of that mom not making sure her daughter has contraception, when she know she is sexually active. But i cant judge her, when i dont walk her shoes. And i think he is judgemental to say the girl is neglected. He is on such a high horse!! And it is sexist to say it is for me to sort, not him.
Anyway, id he is still hurt (pissed off) we luckily have A holiday home he can sod off to, untill he find his brain. And heart. Cause he is so cold and high and mighty. I am not. I have been willing to talk and reconsile, but oh he is so hurt Confused

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 27/06/2019 16:40

He's comments were sexist though? What about the girls father, where's his judgment on him?

honeygirlz · 27/06/2019 16:58

YANBU got husband is horrible. Tell him that DS is 50% his so he is 50% responsible for reminding his son to get condoms or whatever else.

And your strategy for defusing the argument in the fact of his escalating aggression is good, but maybe just that ‘I am waking away until we can discuss this reasonably.’

Why are you with him?

Yourostar · 28/06/2019 13:51

"I hear that you feel hurt and you didn't like it when I called you sexist. Unfortunately you said something sexist and I noticed it. What, in your view, would put matters right? Personally I would like you to say that you will talk with DS and take responsibility for buying condoms."

1forAll74 · 28/06/2019 14:08

Just probably ignore this husband of yours,for as long as it takes,I would not be bothering to keep up with this messy situation,he sounds very hard to deal with.always being so high and mighty.

But you sound very responsible.and I guess that you will just have to keep on, so to speak, of reminding the young ones about protection for sex, you shouldn't have to, but seems they need reminding big time.

Original poster
WhateverName2 · 01/07/2019 05:09

Last night he had an argument with son, entirely h fault, and when i told him so, he just left!! Im so fed up with his moods!
Havent contacted him, but has been looking at houses near my mum..

OP posts:
Cambionome · 01/07/2019 06:39

Unfortunately, he is sexist and judgemental so it's hard to know what else you could have said!

Maybe you didn't phrase it very well but it sounds like he needs to be called out on his behaviour.

Cambionome · 01/07/2019 06:39

Looking at houses near your mum could well be a good idea.

Original poster
WhateverName2 · 01/07/2019 06:48

I am so fed up! The argument yesterday was entirely his fault. And then he just leave! I cant count the times he just left. Several times a year, and he always blame me. I cant count on any plans, as he might not be here.
We have had a lovely day yesterday, and he let son do something i advised against. Then, when it went wrong, he got angry at son. I said to h "i told you so, so when it went wrong, you should blame yourself, not son" - and he took car and left!!
When is it enough? Im in the trap of "but he is nice most of the time" and life would be difficult if i move , but goddammit i never know what the day beings with him.
Son thinks he is ridiculous- and this time i agreed openly!

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 01/07/2019 07:16

@WhateverName2 I think you need to go on a conflict resolution course because you're really not great at diffusing tense situations...

notapizzaeater · 01/07/2019 07:52

Are you always so abrupt? Tbh I wouldn't have been happy if you'd have said that to me. That aside he's behaving like a spoilt brat and if you're unhappy you don't need a reason to split !

Aussiebean · 01/07/2019 07:56

Is he nice ‘most of the time’?

Especially as you can rely on plans (all of the time) and you never know what the day will be like because of him (everyday)

Original poster
WhateverName2 · 01/07/2019 08:00

I guess i am getting more abrubt, because im fed up walking on egshells to keep the peace.
Last months i started to speak up, when he is causing arguments with son, or with me.
But i hear you. Solution is me to keep my mouth shut and ignore.

OP posts: