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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband messaging another woman at work

64 replies

user1487797565 · 25/06/2019 22:26

Hi feeling really low and sad tonight.

My husband been acting weirdly lately and I’ve been thinking something going on so today on rate time he was working from home I looked at his work laptop whilst he had to pop out.

So I found loads and loads of messages from this woman who works same place has no connection with his job. Skype business calls, instant messsge logs, all day everyday.

In the messages they share secrets, he moans about me. Makes me sound like pathetic spoilt woman and poor him and she keeps saying how lucky I am. He doesn’t even call me a name. Just wife and tells. Like ‘wife out tonight’.

I gave up an amazing job to be at home with kids I do everything for them and only reason he got the job which he wasn’t trained or had any experience was my contacts and coaching him.

He is bit of a geek and sits on laptop most nights playing weird games. I feel lonely a lot of the time.

He has said it’s nothing and nothing happened between them but why constant messages for 15 months and to be not talking of me other than nasty ones. Also why has he kept this frequent message friend a secret. He gets jealous if I text my gay friend who is married to gay husband and camp as Christmas!

It’s very flirty tone and I’m just lay in bed thinking what to do. He has a history of messaging other people in the past so I’m just wondering what on earth to do.

It’s making me question my marriage I’m not that happy he never kisses me or hugs me unless once every now and then he wants to do the deed. I’m late 30’s nice weight go to gym etc but I don’t feel like he is interested in me.

He said he wants to throw himself under a bus tonight but I’m not feeling sorry for him.

Any advice please xx

OP posts:
PregnantOnPurpose · 25/06/2019 22:31

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crispysausagerolls · 25/06/2019 22:31

I don’t have any advice, I am just sorry for you and I think your husband is a fucking idiot and having an emotional affair, and you shouldn’t stay with him (also because you are not happy in general with him).

But really I know it’s hard to leave and I am sending you a hug.

user1487797565 · 25/06/2019 22:43

Thank you. Yes thinking of it he has got a nerve wanting sympathy even had a little cry. And started saying it’s because he doesn’t feel good about himself so when I went out for bit of headspace he did some sit ups. Confused why would you do sit ups after wife discovering such news!

OP posts:
user1487797565 · 25/06/2019 22:46

Thank you for hug yes he is an idiot

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PregnantOnPurpose · 25/06/2019 22:48

He sounds like a selfish bastard.

Ask him if his tears are worth 15 months pr back stabbing.

Then ask him to sleep at his parents house tonight, why should he be under the same roof as you. If he wants to act like a 16 year old, he can live at home like one.

I bloody hate unfaithful people.

user1487797565 · 25/06/2019 22:52

His parents live miles and miles away sadly and his friends are all my friends husbands!

apart from his married female friend at work. Wonder if he can go there... grhhh so angry

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Aquamarine1029 · 25/06/2019 22:53

You can do SO much better. Fgs, your husband doesn't have a shred of respect for you. Get rid.

PregnantOnPurpose · 25/06/2019 22:55

Ugh. I really do feel for you. There is no excusing it.

Imagine if he had caught you talking to a man for 15 months! If he cant handle a gay friend then my guess is he would have been crawling up the wall.

Why are some men so bloodh horrible.

You deserve someone who wants to be intimate and will give you undivided attention. Ir maybe divided attention between you and your little one!

user1487797565 · 25/06/2019 23:00

I know just I’ve not worked for 11 years now and he has flipping amazing job (thanks to me!) he literally would never of got the job he has if it wasn’t for me he even admits it (not to her obviously!!) I love being with the kids and also scared going to be nightmare getting job after being out of it. But can’t bear thought of him anywhere near me now so I know it has to be done!!

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user1487797565 · 25/06/2019 23:04

Thank you just venting it is making me realise it is bad he was trying to say I was over reacting at first. I said did he think I was stupid.

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AquaPris · 25/06/2019 23:04

Wow. What an asshole. I'd be less bothered by the frequency than from how he was representing our relationship - laying the groundwork almost. Plus, if it's what he thinks then he clearly doesn't love you anymore. What a pathetic worm... no balls to tel you he's unhappy, no balls to improve anything - just entitlement and victim complex.

PregnantOnPurpose · 25/06/2019 23:06

I think you'll feel much better even going back part time. You'll have your independence back, you will have your own income. You wont need to rely on dickhead.

You should be protected by equality and diversity places that mean even if you've been our of a job due to caring for your children it shouldnt affect your chances of getting the job. Although I know this isn't always the case as you cant mind control the interviewer.

In my line of work we have taken on two mums who have just returned to work after a long maternity leave. The gap in their CV didnt even cross anyones minds. Try not to panic! Smile

user1487797565 · 25/06/2019 23:16

He is sleeping down stairs and just come up to say he loves me and is sorry. But he definitely didn’t do anything. Who knows he probably did 15 months is a v long time!!

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user1487797565 · 25/06/2019 23:18

He started off saying I’ve done nothing wrong, which I just said 15 months (more than likely more) as that’s all the messages went back I think he had different email due to moving internally within the business

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user1487797565 · 25/06/2019 23:21

Thank you I have been director for limited company but just doing bits and bobs. But he can just change company name so I wouldn’t be director anymore.

I’m strong I know I can do it it’s just so daunting and can’t believe he is thinking all will be ok

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Mintlegs · 25/06/2019 23:22

You poor thing. He is an asshole, you deserve better. Stay strong 💐

MsDogLady · 25/06/2019 23:45

He has betrayed you by having an Emotional Affair.

*Constant and secret messaging for 15 months
*Very flirty tone
*Completely disrespecting you in the messages
*History of messaging others
*Does not show you real affection

Why stay with such a sneaky, entitled, contemptuous man?

HollowTalk · 25/06/2019 23:47

Oh they always cry! Don't let it worry you.

I wouldn't be interested in him now. He's utterly selfish, having an affair - as that's what it is, he's slagging you off, and is only affectionate when he wants sex. He's horrible and you can do much better.

Get back to work and leave him is my advice!

daisyboocantoo · 25/06/2019 23:54

He's a twat

Rak33 · 25/06/2019 23:56

Show him the door!!! Time is the best healer x

user1487797565 · 26/06/2019 00:10

Yes I know what a stupid woman he must think I am. He is texting now too. I’ve said leave me alone and sent him picture of her and said why not message your ‘friend’

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RubberTreePlant · 26/06/2019 00:12

Let him cry. What a nerve.

RubberTreePlant · 26/06/2019 00:13

( @PregnantOnPurpose you've used a disgusting racialised term in your first post. Maybe inadvertently?.)

user1487797565 · 26/06/2019 00:16

If ever I go out he makes me feel so bad and next day asks did I speak to any men etc. Knowing he is texting her 9am as soon as he is at desk on Monday!Angry

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RubberTreePlant · 26/06/2019 00:18

For some reason, the sleazy cheats are always hypocritical, sleazy cheats, like that.