Husband messaging another woman at work

[user1487797565]

Hi feeling really low and sad tonight.

My husband been acting weirdly lately and I’ve been thinking something going on so today on rate time he was working from home I looked at his work laptop whilst he had to pop out.

So I found loads and loads of messages from this woman who works same place has no connection with his job. Skype business calls, instant messsge logs, all day everyday.

In the messages they share secrets, he moans about me. Makes me sound like pathetic spoilt woman and poor him and she keeps saying how lucky I am. He doesn’t even call me a name. Just wife and tells. Like ‘wife out tonight’.

I gave up an amazing job to be at home with kids I do everything for them and only reason he got the job which he wasn’t trained or had any experience was my contacts and coaching him.

He is bit of a geek and sits on laptop most nights playing weird games. I feel lonely a lot of the time.

He has said it’s nothing and nothing happened between them but why constant messages for 15 months and to be not talking of me other than nasty ones. Also why has he kept this frequent message friend a secret. He gets jealous if I text my gay friend who is married to gay husband and camp as Christmas!

It’s very flirty tone and I’m just lay in bed thinking what to do. He has a history of messaging other people in the past so I’m just wondering what on earth to do.

It’s making me question my marriage I’m not that happy he never kisses me or hugs me unless once every now and then he wants to do the deed. I’m late 30’s nice weight go to gym etc but I don’t feel like he is interested in me.

He said he wants to throw himself under a bus tonight but I’m not feeling sorry for him.

Any advice please xx

I'm sorry that you are going through this..

I've experienced this in the past and looking back, I believe they are disordered.

The nerdy shy type, always the victim, hard done by, etc.
He would spend late nights playing games and having political fights with people online.

Then caught him chatting to a woman slagging me off making me out to be some terrible person and him so mistreated and she'd be like oh you deserve so much better than that. deserve to be with someone who truly loves you etc. blah blah blah

I made the mistake of forgiving him and I shouldn't have. I should have ended it right there.

I caught him again when I was have a very difficult time myself and recent death of a parent.
I did throw him him and divorce him.

The creepy betrayal and boundary violation is something I've never experienced before. He told her very very personal private things about me. He gave her my phone number and screen shots of my bank account and a few bills.

So yeah, I wouldn't deal with him anymore.

I’ve asked him when contact actually began and he said Jan 2018 and sent first message think he is trying to show how honest he is!! I’ve asked him to stay at hotel but he said he will just keep out of my way. I remember jan being turning point to him acting weird so at least I know it was not me going mental.

Gosh Ranty Anty sorry he did that to you at such a sad time. Hope you are happier now

He keeps sending me messages constantly so I have asked him to only communicate about children which I think is fair. He is saying we should rebuild our marriage and he doesn’t want anybody else, well considering I get on average one message a day she was definitely getting the lions share of that! Also he always used to ring me on way home that stopped.

I find him annoying most of the time and his consistent geek like nature so sad. He would rather me go out and he be on laptop than take me out.

I have a birthday party to go to after school and my eyes look really puffy like I’ve had reaction.

Thanks everyone it’s really helped having others comments as I think he would be making me doubt my own judgement

Oh gosh, what an absolute twat! I am raging for you op! If you have the strength I'd definitely kick him out and get yourself sorted, you deserve way better than him, he sounds like a total selfish arsehole he really does. Cheating, even emotional cheating is the lowest of the low, especially with kids involved, he's ruined his own life, good riddance to him!

Based on my experience I would say this wont change. My ex did this to me 5 years ago, convinced me to stay and then did it again 2 years ago. I'm almost a year on my own now and couldn't be happier. Once I kicked him out I also found he'd done it three times to his ex. He's a serial emotional cheat then defends himself by saying its ok as he doesn't have sex with them!

What a vile man. Start looking at rebuilding your career. Maybe do a course, start networking on linked in etc. If you're a director of his company see where you stand legally and whether you could look at building your own business.

You only have one life OP, please don’t waste it with this narcissist, they never ever change, it only gets worse.

@RantyAnty I had one of these:

The nerdy shy type, always the victim, hard done by, etc. He would spend late nights playing games and having political fights with people online.

He ACTUALLY blamed the cheating on me in a way. He said that being with "someone like me" who he thought was very attractive, funny, kind and had their own career / financial independence gave him CONFIDENCE to approach women he would previously thought were out of his league.

BUT funnily another reason he gave on the same evening was that because of the qualities in his description of me above, he felt intimidated and emasculated. Which is apparently cured by fucking to women with the opposite qualities.

Jesus wept some people are cunts with a total lack of self awareness! Sorry you've had this too @RantyAnty

I've finally got to the stage where I find the ex who did all this sort of funny - he's literally laughable 😂

Sorry bolding was wrong hopefully this makes more sense!

@RantyAnty I had one of these:

The nerdy shy type, always the victim, hard done by, etc. He would spend late nights playing games and having political fights with people online.

He ACTUALLY blamed the cheating on me in a way. He said that being with "someone like me" who he thought was very attractive, funny, kind and had their own career / financial independence gave him CONFIDENCE to approach women he would previously thought were out of his league.

BUT funnily another reason he gave on the same evening was that because of the qualities in his description of me above, he felt intimidated and emasculated. Which is apparently cured by fucking to women with the opposite qualities.

Jesus wept some people are cunts with a total lack of self awareness! Sorry you've had this too @RantyAnty

I've finally got to the stage where I find the ex who did all this sort of funny - he's literally laughable 😂

I hope you leave him.

Give him a bus timetable and kick his sorry ass out

"He doesn’t even call me a name. Just wife and tells. Like ‘wife out tonight’. "

Only affectionate when he wants sex.

You don't exist for him OP. You are an object who exists for his benefit.

Oh, and no friends!!!

This shallow lack of connection never, ever, ever changes. Run OP, I am sorry you are hurting, but there is no hope. I clung on for 7 years in the face of those very things, and he just carried on treating me badly and he did it again.

Please don't make the mistake I did and waste your time.

@ThatCurlyGirl

They truly are pathetic. Sorry you had one of those types.

I think you're right about feeling they could do better in their mind. I feel like he thinks he settled for me and I made him feel emasculated because of my career etc. And yes, the ones he went after were/are scraping the bottom of the barrel complete opposite.
drug issues, no education, no job, not even remotely attractive.

I hope things are better for you too now.

Argreeing with the others. Considering his history he's a serial EA cheater. He will cry, beg, then when he thinks you're over it, he will start again. You will spend your life on hot coals every time he is in a bad mood you will worry. It's no way to be, I've been there, it's miserable and doesn't get better.

I’ve said I need space so he is giving me some time my daughter starts senior school September and is also massive worrier (has history of alopecia areata) I’m just trying to work out how to do it in a way that will be easy