dh made big bill i just paid bit off-feeling good but scared

[moljam]

dh was stupider than stupid and didnt pay rent-running up bill of £3500.i only found out accidently when i found letter from landlady in his jeans i was washing.i paid off £1400 and now we have till end of august to pay rest.i just paid £110 and feel good about it.hes paying bugger all for it.he works full time,i dont.im using child benefit and tax credits for this,council tax ,water and other bits.im feeling proud of myself(although thats to cover the anger and i know i wont be able to pay all of it by date).if i didnt smile id cry!

fair enough

looking back, he has always been like this. Hindsight is 20/20 though!!! There were signs i wish i had noticed, there were situations i shouldnt have ignored. (situations like the ones you describe)!

I was brought up to be careful with money, so i didnt recognise the signs til id been with him for a while.

He maintained a lifestyle that he couldnt afford. I didnt realise that. And i trusted him,(he was the man i married after all) when he said the council tax had been paid i believed him (cos i couldnt imagine anyone not caring about wether it was paid or not).

We used to live in rented places, he said the rent was being paid, he would say the bills were being paid, id even give him money for the bills, he'd go to 'pay it in'... except he wouldnt.

I thought things would be OK when we moved into this place(because of no rent). I thought he could have all the gagets he liked. I was wrong. He went out and used his half of house as collateral. Even though he has many CCJs (i found out afterwards) loan companies will gladly lend to you if they think you have equity. When i point out that this could force the sale of the house, he doesnt care. I guess he thinks it will never happen......because he has had a mother/grandmother and surrogate mother(thats me) all his life protecting him from the consequences of his own childish behaviour.

I would like to point out that he took pains to hide things from me, and he actively lied to me.

He bought a top of range BMW (on finance) and used it for weeks before i found out. He pretended he was using the buses. Sounds crazy maybe, but when you see a top of range BMW parked down the road you dont assume your husband owns it.... esp when you are feeding your kids on smart price beans on white bread toast cos youre so fucking skint. This is the lie he told me the month he bought that BMW, exact quote:"its a tight month this month, council tax was behind and i paid it up to date" (a lie)

got to hes home-will finish reading in morning

got ya, clear your browsing history though.... these men that like to lie and steal from their families are quite happy to be nosy too. I assume you dont want him to read this thread... not yet anyway!

Moljam and Leilel I'm so for you both. What a horrendous situation to be in. I agree these men just haven't grown up at all. It's their lack of concern for their DC welfare that's the most frightening.
You need to get some advice and kick these selfish men out now.

"loan is £250 a month" - remember a proportion of that would be the interest on the original loan amount , but what about the rest of his earnings - should be best part of 1k even after tax etc on the horus/rate you stated. something does n't add up , sorry

morning.thankyou all for advice yesterday.lastnight i tried to talk to him about it.he went to bedi dont think talkings going to work.

that wasn't very constructive was it . tbh think I'd give him one last serious chance come clean otherwise I'd start making some enquiries of my own .

im thinking even if he did sit and listen he just wouldnt 'get it' anyway soooooo.need to think where i go from here.i am worried about children though,i know you shouldnt stay in relationship because of children but ....
got to go now.may be back later to reread all the sound advice

Please don't stay for the children, you'd be doing them a huge disservice. My father was a selfish pig like your DH and my mum put up with his behaviour all through my childhood. it was obvious there was no love between them and he spent his money on himself, except for the small amount he would allow my mother each week but if she annoyed him he'd withhold some as a punishment
She only kicked him out when we were old enough to ask her why the hell she was still with him.
You and your children will be happier and better off financially without him. don't keep him in your children's lives for their sake because you won't actually be doing them any good at all.
sorry this is so long but i hope it helps.

Fucking hell, another selfish arsehole. He expects you to stay married to him, look after him, pay all the bills, pay all his rubbish, be a wife, mother, nursemaid? He's lucky he doesn't have a boot print on his arse.

If I behaved to DW like this, I'd be out on my arse in 2 seconds flat.

Your children will suffer more from being in this relationship than they ever will from being happy living just with you. He doesn't DESERVE the home life you and your dcs give him.

He deserves a slap.

what a difference looking through a simple box makes!
whilst making list of his earnings next to his outgoings(i did mine to no effect) i was looking for tax credits forms to see how much he gets-i think its recently gone up a tiny bit but wanted to be exact.i found 3 differnt lots of paperwork for loans.1 for £10,000.1 for 12,000 and last but not least for for 7,500..plus cheque book stubs for odd thinks such as council tax which i pay.an odd letter from solictitors who do his finances saying he had agreed to pay such and such a month by whatever date to the estate of man who used to work there-now deceased(if it was for solitors work surely it would be to be paid to name of solictors)
ive copied it all down.phoned friend and mum for advice.mum came to look as i have no ideas on loans etc.she says get some sort of advice by debt buster people- im thinking he needs to be doing that.one of the loans dates back to 2004 but is still being paid off monthly.my heads going to pop!
tonight he better come up with some bloody good excuses!

omg, what a can of worms . Be wary of debt "advice" from companies like Debtbuster , many are just out to make more from you under the guise of doing you a favour. CAB will be able to find someone to look into it and advise you or but unless he is prepared to face up to this you can only do so much I fear. Good luck.

i cant see what he can possibly say to make it better.yes someone like cab might be able to offer advice or help but i cant trust him.think thats the end.

Well if he won't face up to it, you need to find out how to minimise the impact on you adn your family and how to limit any liability on you personally

will cab be able to help me with that too?

I would have thought so , or if not be able to direct you to someone who can assess it for you.

thankyou

hi moljam. Im glad you found his hidden loan agreements. obviously its a shock when you find such things, and ive been there myself, i was in tears and shaking with rage at the utter spiteful selfishness of his behaviour). but i do think its better to know. whatever you've found, there will be more, keep looking.

I think its interesting to read some of the replies to this thread. I can see that some people find it incredible that women will sometimes stay living in the same house as a parasite like my H or like yours moljam.... OFC logically its right, it is incredible!.... but....sometimes its easier to bury your head in the sand (i suppose that is what i do). I can ignore my parasite H, he ignores me. seperate rooms ofc. and initiating the big D means im making myslelf and my kids homeless (hes always maintained that if Divorce was on the cards he will push fully for his legally owned 50% share of the house & my equity isnt anywhere near enough to buy anywhere else). I dont want to drag my DCs through the hell of bedsit-land using up that bit of equity i have until im back on benefits & as i said iv sacrificed my career to look after my 2 disabled kids) (Iv done bedsit & benefits combo before it was hell).

My H is a parasitical thieving selfish monster, but i am not a weak woman. I am incredibly strong, it takes a hell of a lot of fortitude to not sink into a quivering wreck (and i fully understand why some women in this situation become very depressed or suicidal). I have tried to keep my own sense of identity and self worth, i love myself and my DCs beyond all others. i am keeping a roof over my DCs heads while i try to work out what to do. What i do will be on my own terms and at the best time for me & DCs.

I will never marry again. Even the thought of that vile piece of slave ownership paper (marriage certificate) makes me want to throw up!

Moljam, have a look at the forums on www.moneysavingexpert.com There is one for people who have debt and from what I have seen there is a lot of very helpful advice and recommendation for the credit counselling people who are charities rather than stinging you big fees.

Also find out about the tax he needs to pay on his earnings and whether he is paying the National Insurance contributions he should be paying. You'll need to see all the paperwork from the Inland Revenue to see what he has paid and what he owes.

chocolateteapot .thanks for link.
havent confronted him yet,i need to get the £700 hes putting to arreas from him first as dont know he'll react or how i'll react to what he has to say.

just handed over £500.not the £700 but better than nothing.