dh made big bill i just paid bit off-feeling good but scared

[moljam]

dh was stupider than stupid and didnt pay rent-running up bill of £3500.i only found out accidently when i found letter from landlady in his jeans i was washing.i paid off £1400 and now we have till end of august to pay rest.i just paid £110 and feel good about it.hes paying bugger all for it.he works full time,i dont.im using child benefit and tax credits for this,council tax ,water and other bits.im feeling proud of myself(although thats to cover the anger and i know i wont be able to pay all of it by date).if i didnt smile id cry!

well theres one bonus......apart from the rent, you have no involvement in the money he owes........so when the ship really starts to sunk at least you can get in the life boat and he wont have took you down with him

moljam - you say he's self employed - is his business doing ok - or could it be that he's scared to tell you it's not going well?

have to say on the surface I'd agree with the others he's an idiot - but unless you get him to talk to find out what's going on I (personally) wouldn't be so quick to judge...

i did the writting down in goings and outgoings.i based it on both of us and what he says hes earning,which is when i found out about loan.i will do it on just mine but i think he'll just say well what about what i get although i dont see it.i will get that done tonight,if anything its a place to start conversation.thanks for the rest of advice,will look into it,im bit too upset to phone anyone right now.

TheQueenOfQuotes,hes self employed but has been working on a job for quite a few months building lots of stables and outhouses for a local man.i know he gets £10 an hour and that he does 9- 5 most days.

fawkeoff guess i need to get me a boat

Sorry for hijack

Queen of Quotes - could you talk to me about your post below re: debts due to gambling - I am going through the same at the moment and could do with some help. If you would rather not drag it up then i completely understand also.

lol.......im sorry that ur in this situation, i think u would benefit from making him tell u how much he actually owes, then u can go from there.......is he paying his own taxes?????????

yes think so.

i just cant see how he has no money to give u.......it must be a very big loan

JillyEd - do you want to send me an email gwenick . taff @ ntlworld . com (without the spaces) and I'm quite happy to talk to you about it

He is contributing nothing to the house or your family, seriously what is the point of him at all? I think I would be seriously considering my options.
Wont you be responsible for his debts even if only in his name as you are married.

I think I would be getting a divorce.

Did he tell you how big the loan is or how much he is paying off each month ?

only 9-5 with debts round his neck !

he needs to be doing 8-6 on weekdays at least and considering extra jobs at the weekend.

Ultimatum time I'm afraid, he has to come clean with all finances with a view to working together to sort them out, joint appointment at the C.A.B. or you go for getting an appointment to sort out your possible claims as a single parent.

If he hasn't paid the rent has he paid his self-employed taxes, what was the loan for, so many questions.

He is acting like a kid with regards his finances and you will just have to treat him as one until he comes clean so you can sort it out together like adults.

Has he got anything worth selling, I know he doesn;t want to sell hi stuff but if its been effectively bought with the rent money needed to keep a roof over the family's heads he should considerr selling any luxury items.

thanks so much - sending it now

sorry been 'being mummy'
loan is £250 a month,i only got that out of him after i left briefly and made him tell me all outgoings etc.i dont know much about loans but it must have been for big amount if paying off that much a month.and ive no idea what it was used for!

moljam, my bastard parasite husband is just like yours, by the sound of it. I despise and hate him . he puts himself first at EVERY opportunity. He earns a good wage, but i (and 2 disabled kids) live worse than people on income support, he spends all the household money on himself, takes out loan after loan without discussing it with me. buys expensive/useless impulse items on finance or with loans and expects me to feed the kids/run the household on child benefit.

Like yours, mine doesnt pay bills and i have to use tax credits to pay off what he should be paying. These sorts of husbands/partners dont change, hear me please..... they really dont change. (ive known the parasite(husband)for 10 years now, enough time to see if he would change)

Now i may not be able to say to you that ive got out of the situation, cos i havent (due to fear). but i can recognise this sort of situation.

You have to put your foot down and refuse to cushon the blow for him every time. You are just being a surrogate mum for him. This probably means seperation, for your own good. Or you will end up sucked dry.

Leilel-wow thankyou.both are situations with not so dh's sound very similar.are you still with him?

moljam, one other point.... whatever he says is his monthly loan repayments.... double it! (double it AT LEAST!)

He will hide bank accounts/loans etc from you. Lying/covering up becomes a way of life for these people.

Yes im still 'with him' in the sense that we still reside under the same roof. I still fend off the debt collectors and bailiffs that his behaviour creates. I cannot open the door and i keep the phone unplugged because of constant harassment by his creditors.

Im rather scared of him (as he is big and frightening) but also we own the house 50/50 with no mortgage. Ive sacrificed my carer for my DCs (who need FT care). There isnt enough equity in my 50% of the house to enable me& kids to move out. He knows im stuck, but he doesnt care what i think of him, and he knows i will do whatever it takes to feed and clothe the kids so he is happy to spend spend spend, lie and live in a house where his wife and kids despise him.

I tried forgiving/turning a blind eye/trying to make excuses for his selfishness. I was proud of myself for struggling on and on and on. (i did it for years). I dont bother to waste my emotional energy on making excuses for him anymore. Waste of time. {emotion: bitter, LOL}

He is what he is.

Leilel how long has it been like that?

"These sorts of husbands/partners dont change, hear me please..... they really dont change. (ive known the parasite(husband)for 10 years now, enough time to see if he would change)"

Sorry to keep harping on about this - but before you dismiss him as total idiot who can't spend his money properly I think you DEMAND to know where the money has been going.

I know you said that he's had a job on for a couple of months paying a good hourly rate BUT. I just have these thoughts in the back of my mind (was thinking about this thread while being "mummy" ). That either

a) the business isn't actually doing as well as it should/could be. We tried to set up a business 2yrs ago (it failed miserably) although I "knew" it wasn't working out that well I didn't know the full extent of our financial difficulties until DH eventually had to "come clean". He'd kept it from me for as long as he could as he didn't want me to panic/worry etc etc. Yes we had sales (so money coming in) but our outgoings were much higher. He took out a huge loan to try and tide us/the business over. It certainly wasn't deliberate that he got us into so much debt, he thought he could sort it out.

b) He has an addiction, most possibly to gambling. I've been the one in our relationship who had that problem. I kept it hidden from DH for over 2yrs - most of the time I'd manage to just about keep 'afloat' of my money - but eventually I had to resort to getting a cash advance from his Credit Card to pay stuff off. It took weeks from DH's first questions about the money to me actually plucking up the courage to tell him. Again I thought I could sort it out but eventually it caught up with me.

FWIW - we're now very open about our financial circumstances (we've still not got round to getting a joint account even though we've been married nearly 8yrs) and if we're having a 'skint' month we say so.

You don't mention (unless I missed it) in any of your threads that he's done this before (not paid bills) so I really do think there could be a 'deeper' issue than just frittering your money away.

hes got behind on bills before but never this much.
i know the man hes working for so know hes doing the hours and getting paid.as pp said he could be doing more hours.
theres no where to gamble round here-i dont know much about gambling though-but no where obvious.

I didn't even have to leave the house to gamble - and I did it all under DH's nose on the computer.

What I'm trying to say re the business thing is that YES he probably is getting the money in -but has the money he's been getting for this job (and previous ones) been enough to cover his overheads?? With the few sales we got - the money came in, and went straight back out again with business costs.

Obviously he could just be a complete tosser, but I just worry that there could be deeper issues IYKWIM

he doesnt pay for the overheads,the man who hes working for at the moment pays them.
hes no good on computer so i think thats out.thankyou for giving another side to story,very kind of you.
i think my dh is just a tosser!