dh made big bill i just paid bit off-feeling good but scared

[moljam]

dh was stupider than stupid and didnt pay rent-running up bill of £3500.i only found out accidently when i found letter from landlady in his jeans i was washing.i paid off £1400 and now we have till end of august to pay rest.i just paid £110 and feel good about it.hes paying bugger all for it.he works full time,i dont.im using child benefit and tax credits for this,council tax ,water and other bits.im feeling proud of myself(although thats to cover the anger and i know i wont be able to pay all of it by date).if i didnt smile id cry!

7 years

Isn't it funny how sometimes we mothers get so wrapped up in trying to keep on top of things, making things work, that we lose perspective of what's really going on?

At these times we need to take control. Make a list of the way we want things to be. Stick to it.

FWIW - My dh's salary goes into our joint account, our tax credit goes into my account as it's intended for the children / clothes / food. All the bills come out by direct debit from his salary a couple of days after payday.

the money i get is supposed to be for the children but always sems to go on bills.when i left before one of the things i demanded to change is that we needed joint bank account,more than anything so i could keep eye on whats going in and out.didnt happen.

You need to make it happen the moljam.

All I see, is a grown man being able to do as he pleases without any regard for his wife or children.

He needs to see what the consequences of his actions are. Does he know that not paying the rent means that you could be homeless? Does he actually understand this? He needs to see this. And then he needs to start acting like most husbands & fathers & putting his family first.

I would be devastated if my dh didn't pay bills & left me to do it out of the kids ctc & family allowance... really I would.

What if you didn't get these? What would he do then???? He is a very very selfish man. Actually he sounds more like a kid, as no man I know would leave his wife to pay bills with money that should be used for the children, especially when he is earning & doing nothing to help.

moljam - you deserve better than a man who keeps secrets from you, and who is risking losing the family home.

And your children need to see their mother be respected and loved by the man she lives with.

I think it would be helpful to contact the Citizen's Advice Bureau, to see what options are available to you.

you need to realise that u have a selfish partner.......you and the children are not his first priority obviously.......imagine if u hadn't found the letter!!!!!!!!!u would be out on ur arse without a roof over ur head.i think you and the kids would be better off without him,and i would be really pissed at the fact hes not tellingu about loans he owes.how many more has he got???????????????

ive asked him what he thinks will happen,what his plan is if we get thrown out(im suprised shes not done it already)but he just shrugs his shoulders and changes subject.
its odd i feel talking on here to complete strangers is giving me boost and strength i need to sort out whole sorry mess.
i dont know what would happen if i didnt get the benefits i do.i even asked him to apply for loan in his name the other day(as i am sahm)and id pay it off.only reason it didnt happen is hes self employed so they said no.why do i bother?

what can CAB do?what sort of options?

speaking as someone who's been on the otherside (owing large sums of money DH didn't know about due to a gambling addiction) I think you definitely need to find out where the money has been going,

moljam - he HAS to discuss this with you. You cannot allow him to change the subject. His behaviour is putting your family home at risk.

I really think it would be worthwhile chatting to the CAB, and getting an exit strategy in place.

You need to think about protecting yourself and your children, as your DH seems to have an awful lot to hide.

You asked him to apply for another loan in his name & you would pay it off?

What would that achieve? Except more debt left for you to pay.

And I think he lied about not getting it due to him being self employed, as my dh is self employed & we got a loan a few years ago to buy a new car. He was probably refused the loan as he has an already existing one.... perhaps more than the one he won't talk to you about

what do i say to CAB?is numbers in phone books?

the loan was because i thought if we could just pay rent arreas and be safe in house it would be ok(stupidly).
you could be right about him lying about not getting it-it shouldnt matter if hes self employed so long as he can prove earnings.i wouldnt put it past him not to have phoned them.

do not get any more loans. can u not ask her if u can pay a little extra a month with the rent u pay to her for example if you rent was 400 a month pay 430 off,let her know ur situation and assure her that ur going to be paying the rent from now on.i think he's got more than one loan to be worrying about if im being honest.

Moljam, the loan may have paid the rent this time...but what about the next time?

Yes, CAB numbers should be in the book, alternatively you can look it up online. Some of them are happy to give you advice on the phone, but if you can, it might be better going in & having a chat with them.

How about telling them you want to find out what benefits you would be entitled to as a single parent??

fawkeoff (fab name by the way).this is going back to april.end of august shes moving to france.and house is being handed over to letting agency,shed rather get arreas out of way before she goes.

well what other options have u got apart from getting a loan?????????have u no family u can turn to????????

plenty of family around,none that could help finacially though.i will ring her,just see what she says.she'll be able to see from statements that im trying.when i found letter i called her to say i wanted her to know i didnt know he wasnt paying it.

surely the hughe loan hes paying off will be coming out of the bank i assume..........cant u ask the bank over the phone exactly whats being paid out of the account

no as not joint account.they wouldnt be able to give me any info on his account

if hes got bank account only in his name i would find ut the details and see whats goin on in them also

well i would be as sneaky as him, get his account details and password and ring them up or get ur dad or brother (if u have one)to do it and see whats going on

i think he is a disgrace of a man to have done this to u,and then not to help with the payment of arrears is just a joke.why r u with this man??????????

no idea.

Firstly, well done on paying off as much as you have done yourself. That's bloody impressive considering you're using child benefits and tax credits.

Secondly, regarding your DH I'm afraid I'm with the others on this. It's appalling that he's making/letting a SAHM deal pay the majority of the family outgoings AND is unwilling to tell you what additional debts he has incurred and why.

On practical steps, the first thing you could is draw up a weekly or monthly household budget showing what you need to pay over the next 3-6 months, including rent arrears and all other outgoings vs. the amount of money coming in (from you I guess). If, as I imagine is likely, there isn't enough coming in to cover what's going out, use that as a reason to sit down with DH to go through it. He may well refuse to/ refuse to acknowledge the severity of the problem but at the very worst, you'll have good idea how much you need.

At the same time, speak to free confidential advice organisations on your situation, particularly the National Debtline and Citizens Advice Bureau. Just tell them what's going on and your concerns about your DH - they will undoubtedly have encountered many situations like this and will give you useful advice on what you can do.

Afraid that neither of these are going to help sort things out with DH on a relationship level, but will hopefully get your head together on the financial side of things. Good luck with it.