Can't believe I need to post this...

[GuernseyDonkey1]

I am not new to Mumsnet although I have created a new account for this as I couldn't work out how to NC.

I need advice desperately and I cant speak to anyone in RL. Apologies if this turns out to be long.

On Saturday my H kept disappearing off for periods of time (he did this twice) for about 15/20 mins. We were sat in the garden having a drink with friends and the kids were playing out as it was a lovely evening.

I needed the loo so went upstairs and as I passed the bedroom I noticed something flashing under our bed & it was an old laptop. I opened it up an internet tab was open so I clicked on it and there in front of me was a profile on a gay mans website called 'cottaging' - at first I was confused then I looked closer and realised that it was my H profile and had pics of him, (not his face but I obviously know his body parts) and there was messages from people to him - in my shock I didnt take in what they said but one said I think "yeah I remember, I am away at the moment though" and another that said "I am going to have a nice w%%% over that tonight" or words to that effect. I think I just froze. I read his profile (feck I cant believe I am typing this and it stated things like his preferences and that he couldn't accommodate due to wife and could meet .

I then heard him shouting me and him coming upstairs and I just stood there looking at the laptop in shock and thinking this cant be happening to me. He then was like "what are you doing, babe thats nothing" and was all these excuses coming out of this mouth and I just dont remember what he was saying.....

I asked him what was going on and amongst other things he said its just a cheap thrill and nothing happens and its when he is 'fucked up' meaning drink that he has gone on there - I asked how many times he said the week prior when I was out with colleagues as he 'was pissed off that I went out' (TBH he never likes it if I go out! he is always off!) and that he was doing it to find us someone to have some fun with (WTF this means i dont know as I have NEVER expressed an interest in that kind of stuff!!!!)

Over the next few hours he said all sorts ranging from he was up there trying to delete profile and that the laptop takes ages to come on hence him being away so long to it being because I never want sex!! I then notice there were sent messages so went to read them and he snatched laptop off me and said no - and then destroyed laptop! I asked for the log in details which he refused to give me saying constantly nothing to worry about and that he is embarrassed etc and doesn't want me to see and its never gonna happen again.

There is prob more but I cant type for crying - just need advice?! Wise MN tell me what you think?! To me even if he didn't meet anyone the INTENT was there so that's bad enough....he has grovelled loads and said he promises there is nothing so asked him to give me the log in details and prove but he says we can discuss later...?! Sorry if any typos

Well, tbh rugshade, it does work like that if the OP is the primary carer for their child, who would have a right to remain in the family home. But I don't think that's relevant in this situation anyway. Tell me, would the OP be 'allowed' to be upset if her husband was meeting up with other women for sex? Or is 'straight' infidelity also A-OK by your definition of marriage?

*her being an active member on fucksexyservicemen.vom with a message history that indicated she had met some, and that caused her to trash a laptop rather than let her husband see said message history"

Actually the more I think about it, that's not even a fair analogy - because the servicemen are the same sex as her husband, he could theoretically dress up as one and enact the part; but op can't enact being a hairy man with a cock & balls so ...

Tell me, would the OP be 'allowed' to be upset if her husband was meeting up with other women for sex? Or is 'straight' infidelity also A-OK by your definition of marriage?

Maybe rugshshades a bisexual swinger. It boggles the mind what she thinks is worth ending a marriage over .. I don't think I want to know, I haven't had supper yet and I'd like to keep it down.

So sorry this has happened.

I hope this isn't a cross-post, but I can't read it all right now.

However, a computer tech or even a good app can possibly retrieve everything you need from the hard drive. Not entirely sure if a keylogger works retroactively, but I think so. I realize it may be embarrassing, but it sounds like he's gone far beyond "curious." The more information you have the more prepared you'll be for what's ahead.

rugshade do you think it’s homophobic to, as a straight woman, not want to be married to a gay man?

@Moralitym1n1 (interesting username, btw) I would end a marriage if my spouse was being really mean to me. Using a gay messaging site, not so much.

What do you think my "agenda" is? I'm a straight married woman who has a different opinion to you.

To normalise your own fucked up marriage? Who knows.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I think the level of disgust and repulsion by a lot of PPs on here is homophobic. It's really not that big a deal.

@Moralitym1n1 Why do you think my marriage is fucked up?

Does anyone else have teens who are getting bored now GCSEs are over?

Leave. Go back to your mum. Get some space to think. Although, if I were you it would definitely be over if not for the lying but also the deceit. He gets turned on by other men. This is something he has hidden from you. What else has he hidden? You can't feel that you actually know this man. You don't even know what he has done!

You deserve much better. He's a lying disrespectful cheat.

@Theworldcouldbemymollusc Do you think I'm a teenager? Ask me some 90's trivia and I'll put your mind at ease!

Please ignore rugshade, this is a thread derail!

I don't think that the OP needs a lecture on being homophobic after the day she has just had.

He gets turned on by other men. This is something he has hidden from you. What else has he hidden? You can't feel that you actually know this man. You don't even know what he has done!

A bit over the top, no?

if my spouse was being really mean to me. Using a gay messaging site, not so much.

Well some people see pretending you're straight when you're gay or bi, messaging gay men re. sexual hookups (bit only for a cheap thrill, never ever meeting any - in spite of the fact the few messages your partner saw suggested otherwise, and you smashed a laptop rather than let them see your other messages) all while entering into a monogamous marriage and bringing a child into the world with a woman who you've lied to by omission to (and are now lying to full stop) ... Is, in fact, "a bit mean".

Your low standards, like you're through Australia and out the other side, from by apply to most people. Sorry you didn't realise that and felt the need to embarrass yourself in here.

@Sarcelle It's the PPs who are being homophobic

I just wanted to hand hold.
I went out and was engaged to a gay man.
When I found out - gas lighting from him and many tears as well.
The relationship could never be repaired.

To be honest @rugshade you answering 90’s trivia will not convince me of anything. Your accusations and views are very odd.

Having meet ups and sex rugshade would be ok would it? Because tell me anyone who had nothing to hide would smash up their laptop and I’d find that hard to believe. Maybe monogamy isn’t too important for you but it is for about 99% of committed couples.

Myself and every other gay/bi/trans in the adult industry get more requests from married "straight" men than a little.

Me and my partner have said for a while we think its gonna be one of them that flips out on us. The fact he is aggressive is worrying.

They book things on their lunch breaks, lie about what time they finish (and in many cases have done this from the start of the relationship). There is no such thing as mo time for infidelity. If they're that short on time that they're struggling to find a FWB situation they'll pay for it.

He is lying. He is gay or at least bi and he knows it. He got angry because crying didnt work.

Because you've lost track of normal moral, social, emotional and sexual boundaries.

That was in answer to;

@Moralitym1n1 Why do you think my marriage is fucked up

Hello freaked out Mom,
I'm going to go a bit hand brake here and try and slow things down from the drama a bit because NOTHING is ever clear cut and you have had a massive and deeply hurtful shock.

Your husband may be bisexual and he may be gay, but nobody knows that here, only he can answer that question.

My BIL was in a straight marriage as a gay man, he came out after three years because it was way too much to bear and he did not have children because he couldn't bring himself to do it. I am not saying this is the case with your husband but there is my personal experience of a 'modern' man who was pressured by family to deny his homosexuality, he didn't end up going the whole way into 'beard' culture, and I am sharing this because it isn't fair for people to say FOR SURE that this is what your husband has done or who he is and is making you.

What is for sure is that you have found your husband accessing gay porn and engaging in interactive gay porn. Again that is not the same as him being confirmed as having physical gay affairs or you definitely being his 'beard'.

What you know is that your husband has an interest in gay sex, he may well have bisexual leanings in fantasy but not want them in his real world. Many of us women indulge in porn and fantasy that is not what we want in 'real life' Plenty of women enjoy lesbian porn and are not active lesbians. Same for BDSM and whole host of other online access to 'not real world' fantasy porn. I'm not getting into the moral rights and wrongs of messaging fantasy here, ( that deserves a whole other thread) but again, it is not the same as active sex in person.

What I am saying here and definitely in no way wanting to minimalize your hurt and shock is to say that you are NOT definitively what others on this post are saying you are and nor is your husband. YET.

You and He need to sit down over a bottle of grog and get to the heart of what the hell he has been doing and have it out on the table together. It is no business of anyone to start telling you what he is doing or what your role is in that until you have BOTH openly discussed EXACTLY what he has been doing and got a handle on it together as people who are partners.

As I said I have direct experience of a gay relative finding his way into a marriage via family issue with homophobia and as much as this may apply to you it also may not, so try not to assume the worst before you have had a sit down and truth session with your clearly ashamed partner.

I am very sorry that this has happened to you and as upsetting and horrible and shocking as it is it is NOT GOOD that people here are telling you that your husband is a closet gay man and you are a beard. That is unhelpful, not based in any fact and may very well be very far from the heart of the matter.

Be very careful who you share this with until you have had chance to talk to your husband. I think you both need very trusted people to help you navigate this and each other is possibly the best start.

"couples counselling" yes because that has a high chance of success with a closeted pathological liar 😂😂

Apologies for the laughing in this post OP I don't find your situation at all amusing just this ridiculous suggestion