AIBU to ask Ex wife for maintenance ??

[hadthesnip2]

Long time lurker - just looking for some confirmation that IANBU or a cf.

Its a bit of a long story but I'll try to keep to the point but don't want to have to drip feed later.

Divorced 9 years ago. We have 3 dc's now aged 15.14 & 12. Since the divorce I have lived on my own, although I've had a couple of relationships & a few casual flings. Exw moved a man in after the divorce & lived there for 18 months. Since that broke down she has had a few boyfriends that mostly lasted less than 6 months. I had dc's eow but also saw them during the week as I lived quite close. I gave her £600 pm maintenance. For clarity I am self employed & my earnings generally fluctuate between £45k-£60k pa - hers on divorce were around £15k and she also received child/working tax credits as well as child benefit.

The issue now is that late last year she started having a new boyfriend of less than 6 months stay over nights a week. Main problem with that (apart from not really knowing him & imo too soon) was that she didn't have her own bedroom & slept downstairs in the open plan dining room - no doors or curtains & in full view of the kitchen, so when my 14 year old daughter came down for breakfast she was confronted with them in bed together. Not doing anything as far as she could tell but not appropriate. This, and the fact he was often there when the 3 dc's came home from school, made the living arrangements intolerable for them. Having asked their mum a number of times to reduce the times he stayed over without success they asked if they could move in with me. Only problem was that I only had 2 bedrooms and when they stayed over one slept on the sofa & the other 2 would share a bedroom. This was obviously not going to be suitable for any length of time & so I found a 4 bed house to rent nearby at very short notice & we moved in just before xmas. Due to not knowing how long this was going to be for & issues with my current mortgage I left my house as it was so for the Iast 7 months have been paying both rent & mortgage, as well as council tax & utilities for both. My house is now on the market & when sold I will look to buy somewhere for all of us to live.

During all this time exw has not paid for anything apart from £100 spending money for 2 school trips (I paid £1300 for eldest to go skiing & £350 for daughter to go on a music trip). I stopped the £600 maintenance in February when it was obvious that the dc;s were going to live with me long term & due to my income I don't bother claiming child benefit,

so, now that I will soon be buying a bigger property, and thus a bigger mortgage - as well as seeing my food bills as well as everything else spiral upwards - AIBU to ask my exw, who earns a quarter of what I do, to pay me maintenance ??? fwiw, the dc's do not stay with her at all & only the eldest see's her - usually once or twice a month. My daughter has not spoken to her mum since xmas.

I think it’s reasonable

No yanbu.

They kids live with you so she should be contributing.

The kids*

Do the CMS calculator to see how much she should pay.

Absolutely, and don't delay.

I think you need to seek legal advice OP. Did you have a court order for maintenance before or were you paying the CMS amount?

Your discrepancies in income will come into play here. You make much more than her and she makes so little that I believe you'd not expect more than a few quid a week for each child tbh.

I appreciate you've got more bills to pay now, and she hasn't behaved very well, but she can't pay what she doesn't have iyswim.

Absolutely not unreasonable! 🤦‍♀️

All the extra info about the new partner is irrelevant really.

The care and sleeping arrangements for the children have changed. The non resident parent has a duty to the children to pay their share.

Yes she should be paying maintenance, that she earns less than you is irrelevant and she should be contributing towards her children.

Yes absolutely! Contact CSM and get the ball rolling
Well done on stepping up and giving a shit about your DC and renting a bigger property because yours was not suitable.

I would also be checking she hasn't been claiming for them whilst they've lived with you

To my mind, YANBU at all

If it was the other way around, you'd be expected to pay maintenance which you did.

I dont feel that what she earns in relation to you is relevant. That isn't questioned when the mum is primary caregiver. Under CMS rules, the fact that they live with you, she is working and the fact that she does not have them overnight is the only relevant information.

On a side note, I hope that they are doing OK with the loss of relationship with mum and think maybe it would be worth arranging someone for them to talk to regarding that and the awkward bed situation at their mother's as they may have felt uncomfortable or upset

Yanbu. Make sure she's not still claiming child benefits etc too!

Well legally you are entitled to, although due to her low income it wouldn’t be much. It really depends whether you think all the stress would be worth it.

Based on 16k, using the calculator, £55 a week. Give or take a few pounds for me estimating pension deductions. Get it done!

Could she claim child benefit and tax credit while they’re not living with her?

If so, I believe she should direct that money to you instead.

YANBU

rvby The OPs income and the difference in their incomes is completely irrelevant, the exW will pay an amount appropriate to her income and needs to do so.

Also as PP have said, check the child benefit as even though it's not in your interest to claim, if she is still claiming for them it's fraud and could confuse your CMS claim. I believe there is a way to formally decline child benefit so that they are aware you are primary carer before claiming maintenance

Why does she only earn 15k? Was she part time because of the children? Does she own the house she's living in?
Just thinking that if she's paying rent, she's not going to have much money, and presumably she won't be able to claim the child benefits and tax credits if the children are with you. Realistically, will she be in a position to pay, in the short term? Long term, she should be thinking about how to increase her income so that she can support her children.

You are definitely not being unreasonable! They live with you so she should be paying you maintenance. Can't really see why you would think anyone would think otherwise?

She should be paying maintenance and you should claim child benefit, if only to make sure she doesnt get it while no dc living there

I appreciate you've got more bills to pay now, and she hasn't behaved very well, but she can't pay what she doesn't have iyswim

Now she doesn’t have to work round the kids though she can crack on and get a better paid job, a second job or longer hours.

What happened to the nrp should pay half the costs?

Never seen this response for a male nrp. It’s always him hiding income or being lazy to get out if paying cm.

Some double standards on this thread.

I can't imagine any women being told their exH shouldn't pay maintenance because he's on a low income. She won't get child benefit or tax credits because the dc aren't with her, she'll need to pay maintenance and then manage her rent and bills. If the new man has moved in presumably he's contributing to rent and bills.

She could be full time on NMW just about at that salary level, no reason to think she's part time when the youngest is 12.

Of course she should contribute financially - they are her children. She should have offered before now.

I am being totally hypocritical as I let my ex away with not paying child maintenance, but there was a complicated back story and I got what I wanted (majority of 5e custody, and my baby away from a unhappy situation with his new girlfriend).

But i still think you should make your ex contribute.

I should too.