AIBU to ask Ex wife for maintenance ??

[hadthesnip2]

Long time lurker - just looking for some confirmation that IANBU or a cf.

Its a bit of a long story but I'll try to keep to the point but don't want to have to drip feed later.

Divorced 9 years ago. We have 3 dc's now aged 15.14 & 12. Since the divorce I have lived on my own, although I've had a couple of relationships & a few casual flings. Exw moved a man in after the divorce & lived there for 18 months. Since that broke down she has had a few boyfriends that mostly lasted less than 6 months. I had dc's eow but also saw them during the week as I lived quite close. I gave her £600 pm maintenance. For clarity I am self employed & my earnings generally fluctuate between £45k-£60k pa - hers on divorce were around £15k and she also received child/working tax credits as well as child benefit.

The issue now is that late last year she started having a new boyfriend of less than 6 months stay over nights a week. Main problem with that (apart from not really knowing him & imo too soon) was that she didn't have her own bedroom & slept downstairs in the open plan dining room - no doors or curtains & in full view of the kitchen, so when my 14 year old daughter came down for breakfast she was confronted with them in bed together. Not doing anything as far as she could tell but not appropriate. This, and the fact he was often there when the 3 dc's came home from school, made the living arrangements intolerable for them. Having asked their mum a number of times to reduce the times he stayed over without success they asked if they could move in with me. Only problem was that I only had 2 bedrooms and when they stayed over one slept on the sofa & the other 2 would share a bedroom. This was obviously not going to be suitable for any length of time & so I found a 4 bed house to rent nearby at very short notice & we moved in just before xmas. Due to not knowing how long this was going to be for & issues with my current mortgage I left my house as it was so for the Iast 7 months have been paying both rent & mortgage, as well as council tax & utilities for both. My house is now on the market & when sold I will look to buy somewhere for all of us to live.

During all this time exw has not paid for anything apart from £100 spending money for 2 school trips (I paid £1300 for eldest to go skiing & £350 for daughter to go on a music trip). I stopped the £600 maintenance in February when it was obvious that the dc;s were going to live with me long term & due to my income I don't bother claiming child benefit,

so, now that I will soon be buying a bigger property, and thus a bigger mortgage - as well as seeing my food bills as well as everything else spiral upwards - AIBU to ask my exw, who earns a quarter of what I do, to pay me maintenance ??? fwiw, the dc's do not stay with her at all & only the eldest see's her - usually once or twice a month. My daughter has not spoken to her mum since xmas.

Thank you all for replying. I suppose I know AINBU but it just felt a bit "off" asking her for money when I earn a lot more than she does.

Now, for a bit of context & to reply to a few PP's, I will add the following:

I told her back in February when I stopped the maintenance that I would not be claiming the child benefit & that perhaps she should check/get legal advice about her right to continue claiming it (if that is what she wanted to do). I have no idea if she is still claiming it & I cant see anything online about the legalities of a nrp claiming it.

She used to be a TA in a local school. Worked FT but obviously had all the school holidays so I don't know exactly how much she earnt. I say all this in the past tense as eldest dc has told me that she has recently packed the job in & looking for something else - so currently unemployed. She wont talk to me & doesn't answer any of my texts. I am never rude to her & before all this happened I thought we got on well - working together for the sake of our dc's.

She currently rents & has moved bf in full time, now that dc's aren't there. Moved bedrooms around & is now sleeping upstairs. Obvious thing to do but has meant that daughters room is no more. rent is 31200pm & so obviously me stopping £600 has made a big impact & probably reason why bf is now living there full time. I believe he is selling a property (ex MH we think) and when that is sold they will be moving elsewhere. As she no longer needs to be local for work or for kids it appears (as eldest found out today) that she could be moving 30 odd miles away & as she doesn't drive (and bf rides a moped) that visits are not going to be that often.

Yes she needs to pay. Uanbu

To be clear I wasn't saying OP shouldn't ask for maintenance due to his income being higher.

What I meant was he shouldn't expect 600+ pound per month (what he was paying) because that was likely based on his (higher) income.

Of course I agree she should contribute, I think legal advice might be good if the OP wants more than the pretty small amount he can expect.

Of course she should pay, regardless of what you both earn. You should also transfer child benefit into your name, even though you won’t be claiming.

thanks. Obviously not expecting £600 pm !!! I did the CMS calculator using £15k & it said around £186 pm. Problem is she is not working atm, although someone did tell me that CMS use last years earnings.....is this right ??

They wouldn't use last year earning If she is unemployed.
They do generally go in last tax year unless there has been a change, like new job, pay rise or pay cut.
Claim the cb. You can refuse the actual money
I would contact the child maintenance service now. You might get a fiver a week for now but once she starts work they will adjust it.

Yanbu! You are providing for those children in every way possible so the least she can do is pay child support.

At least claim the child benefit!! As well as requesting child maintenance.

What I meant was he shouldn't expect 600+ pound per month

Backtracking.

Of course he wouldn't expect £600 a month from a measly salary of £15k. He's not stupid...that's obvious from the way the thread.

I bet she's still claiming everything she used to.... child benefit included.

This situation will impact on your DC and you may not realise it.

In their minds she's put her BF above them. It sounds like she has a 1 bedroom flat... as you say your DD no longer has a room....that was never big enough accommodation for them.

i know ill get a few "but hes doing waht a dad should/would"and i know i dont know the full story.but i think you being pretty awesome in all this.and they are really lucky to have someone who has stepped up for them in all of this.it could have so easilly have gone another way and they would be floundering.they must be quite vunerable and fragile having their mum kind of reject them like this.itl take lots for them to trust.so what your doing.is really good for em.
and yes she should pay.

They rented a bulk standard 3 bed semi. Boys didnt want to share & originally youngest slept downstairs & exw had main bedroom. He has mild (yet undiagnosed ASD) and wasn't good that he should be alone downstairs at night (gaming until all hours) so she swapped with him. Not my idea of course & I had no say in the matter. All seemed to work ok until she started to let her new bf stay over.

daughter (aged 14) knows her own mind. feels like her mum has put new bf before them, even though mum had repeatedly said that there would be no more bf's after another failed (short term) relationship. Hasnt seen her mum since xmas & wont even talk to her. Eldest has tried his best & sees his mum once or twice a month - but away from the house as the bf is always there & doesn't feel that he can talk to his mum with him there.

I feel guilty in a way as I feel that I have enabled / helped her in all this. Stepping in like I did made it easy for her. Also part of me thinks that she thinks "serves him right" (me that is). That since the divorce I have been able to live the single life & date whenever I wanted - whereas she has had to juggle her dating around the 3 dc's , although I have never not had them over a weekend that wasn't my turn so that she could go out - and so now its my turn to see how it is to bring up 3 teenagers as a single parent.

Do you need the money? When my husbands kids moved in he stopped paying for child support but his ex still got her full maintenance. I’m not sure if it’s worth the inevitable bad feeling for a negligible amount of money.

In order to apply for CMS you need the CBN of the children, yuoll need to get it off your ex as I assume that's she's been receiving child benefit. You'll also have to supply the child arrangements order that you would have got from the court.

It's not easy getting CMS to do much, even harder without the CBN and CAO

I think you may need to claim cb to claim cm- if you go through cms at least.

Cb “proves” main residence.

I would check the legalities. But it also may matter for things like address for school/uni application, dr’s, bank accounts etc. I’ve had to show my cb letter as proof the children reside at my address several times.

If your ex doesn't hand over the CBN and doesn't contact HMRC to say that the circumstances have changed,then you need to contact child benefit, fill out a form and supply birth certs (or the certificate issue no in the bottom left corner) and the CAO,

Ask her to be reasonable, because it's impossible without the cbn

I’m not sure if it’s worth the inevitable bad feeling for a negligible amount of money

Nobody ever says that about a non-paying father.

When my sdc were going to move in with us (their choice) we got an enormous rant about “not paying to have her kids taken away”. The irony being lost that that’s exactly what she’d expected dh to do for 15 years.

There is definitely a double standard where cm is not optional for men, if they don’t pay they’re wicked shirking their responsibilities. They should also contribute more than the cm minimum, as much as they can afford, even if it means living in a one bed hovel (with a sofa bed for when the kids stay, obvs). And definitely should not have more kids if it means he can’t pay at this rate.

Also the mums income is irrelevant. If she’s a millionaire he should still pay half of what it costs.

Switch the sexes and the sympathy is still with the mum. Dad should be earning enough to support the kids, all women have low paid jobs so it’s not fair to expect her to pay more than she can afford.

Claim the Child Benefit... which proves main residence.

I cant see the point in claiming CB. My last years income was just over £60k & so on that basis I would have to pay it all back. Just cant be arsed. As I said up thread, I have no idea if it's legal or illegal for ex wife to claim CB if DC's no longer live with her. I dont know if she still is. What would be nice, if legal, would be for her to claim it & then pay it to me as maintenance.

You should notify the relevant government office of the change in circumstances. It can't do any harm, and it could save your ex from getting in trouble if she's improperly receiving CB.

@hadthesnip2 no she cannot claim CB and then pay it back to you. The children are not in her sole care so she is not entitled to it. Are you seriously suggesting she claims tax payers money that she is not entitled to and pays it back to you? No. She will need to pay you something but it may not be very much if she doesn't earn a lot, be prepared for that.

At the very least as primary carer you need to have the Child Benefit Number

You need the cbn's they are important numbers at 16 they trigger the NI number for your DC.

You do not have to get the money, there is a tick box on the form where you can say no to the cash benefit but the numbers are registered with the primary carer.

If your exw is no longer primary carer she needs to inform HMRC and have the numbers transferred to you.

This is important, as it can lead to tax issues pension issues and difficulty for your DC's getting their no numbers.

Please don't treat it as an inconsequential issue

Thanks to all those replying, especially about the CB numbers - most helpful. Looks like next move is to ask ex -wife for them.

Yes she should pay and should get a full time job now to help more. It seems you’ve done everything you can and you don’t earn a fortune so mustn’t have a great deal of disposable income. She should be contributing something anyway, they’re her children.

Of course she needs to pay.