I want a family so much that i am struggling to cope watching everyone around me and accepting this. any advice?

[summersadness1]

I'm 36, nearly 37. I have always wanted a family and I have spent so long watching people around me build a life with someone.

I don't want a child alone, for me it is about that family unit. which I know doesn't always last even when you have it. but it just wouldn't be something I would want to do.

I feel as if I need to start accepting that this is the life for me. I have had a lot of dates and I don't mind dating but I have never found the right one. I don't think im too picky and I am open minded, it just hasn't happened. I feel so sad about it and don't know how to move on. all I have ever wanted was that family and I feel like even if I meet someone now, it would be hard having a family as im probably too old.

I am chatting and sociable and have good friendships, nobody would know I feel this way. I have cried every night for weeks now. not coping really. any advice welcome.

I felt like this for years too, it's horrible. I did consider having a child on my own but before it came to that my perseverance with online dating paid off and I met my DP. Added up, I probably spent up to 5 years online dating altogether.

Persevere! It will be worth it x x

it is so hard though and I am older now. I feel like it just isn't meant to be for me. everything I did in life was to do the best I could for the family I wanted...the job, the house I bought, everything...so I could provide the best for them. instead I have all this and nobody to share it with, it feels pointless.

ive done all the holidays and trips and clubs to last a lifetime.

Would you consider doing it in reverse? You sound like you have a lot of love and resources to offer a child. Would you consider adopting? Then you still have the option of meeting someone eventually and making the family unit, just like a lot of mums do.

I don't think I would consider it, just because I feel a huge gap without having a husband to be part of it and I would worry that I couldn't give the child what they deserved while I was still longing for that. I would consider adoption if I met someone though, which I suppose gives me a bit more time if I couldn't have my own.

it just isn't how I thought my life would be by now. so many friends have been divorced, had kids, married again...I cant even find one person I want to do that with!

I am so sorry. It is so hard - I have been in that position too.
The grief is hard and very real and also very unacknowledged.
Could you go talk to a professional? Your GP? Talk to friends and let them know how you feel.
Don’t give up.
Look after yourself - plan good things, give yourself treats. Fill your head with good things - books and music. Don’t pay too much attention to social media - people present what they want you to see, not what is real.( Mumsnet excepted of course!)

Thanks Luna.

I feel like I’ve done all that and I’m sure there’s more fun to be had where those things are concerned but I’m just not interested anymore. I don’t even feel lonely or alone, just like my life is a waste. I know there are plenty of meaningful things in life aside from having children, but for me it is centred around that, it’s just who I am. I wish I hadn’t gone down the career route sometimes, maybe I would already be settled down.

I have a few friends who reached your age and realised that they can’t have it all - and that the pressure to meet someone mid-late 30s to have an immediate family with is just too much.
So - they had to decide what to prioritise at that stage. It’s not easy as we are told we can have anything we want if we put our minds to it - but it doesn’t work for relationships, sadly.

People who are ok financially - with a house and a job sorted - can give so so much to a child. Either their own, or adopted.
These days there are so many more types of families - and a child growing up with a loving engaged parent is not missing on anything.
However, there are plenty of unhappy two parent families where kids grow up unhappy and damaged.

So - Op - as much as I realise that your life didn’t turn out the way you expected - it’s not over. And there are choices and options in front of you. Don’t dismiss them purely because they aren’t what you expected. Sometimes - accepting reality and adjusting expectations is the best way forward.

I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a child alone. Wouldn’t it feel sad? Lonely? Like trying to fix something?

If I was in your situation OP I would have a baby alone then you still have plenty of time to meet ‘the one’ you could still have a family unit down the line but I personally wouldn’t take that risk.

Would you be happy and fulfilled in life without a child?
Would you look back and regret not going it alone if you don’t meet the one?
How would you feel if you met someone but by then it was to late to conceive a child?
How would you feel if you met someone you thought was the one, fell pregnant then that relationship broke down whilst you was pregnant or soon after the baby arrived?

I think these are all questions you need to ask yourself as no relationship is guaranteed so sometimes we just have to make our own dreams happen until things fall into place

If I met someone, was pregnant and then the relationship broke down, I would keep the child no question about it.

I’m not sure about the answers to the other questions. I would always wish I had a child but I find the idea of being pregnant alone very very scary and I know I definitely would not have any support from family in the process.

I feel exactly the same way, though I’m younger than the OP. I feel like my life is just a waste of time. Yes, I’m lucky to have a great job and a lot of material things, but I feel it’s almost like a cruel joke that I have nobody to share them with. I’ve travelled the entire world alone and I’m sick of doing it.

Me too Sonata. I hate it so much. I was actually just looking at going somewhere in Italy and I just thought actually no I can’t do this again on my own. Totally sick of it.

This is such a modem age dilemma. We are told it will happen eventually and crack on with work and hobbies and then slowly thirty happens and time starts to speed up and before you know it your heading towards forty. Happened to me too!

I don’t know what to advise aside from keep dating.

I'm a single mum by adoption. I'm not going to suggest you adopt, it's a very personal decision and there are other ways to become a mum.
But to answer your question is it sad and lonely being a single mum, well for me no it's not. It was a positive choice. Just because there are just two of us does not mean we are not a family unit, less valid than any other type of family. Of course it's hard sometimes, but then so is having a child with a partner, and judging by some of the posts I read on here where men are largely absenting themselves from parenting, I'm no worse off than many women in relationships.
I have an amazing son and we have a good life together.We are far from rich but equally far from poor. We have enough for treats and holidays. One of the best moments of my life was sitting in a canoe crossing the Gambia river and seeing my son just screaming with the sheer joy of being alive. With him I've travelled to places I'd never got round to when I was on my own, including an overland trip across Morocco.
I chose adoption because by the time I got to 40 I realised I wanted to be a mum more than I wanted a partner, that I didn't want a pregnancy and that I could quite happily live without night feeds, nappies, teething and potty training. I wanted a child. By adopting an older child I was never chained to the house in the way I could have been with a baby.I have lots of single mum friends who I met on line, some have become friend in real life.
You do still have choices here, you can be a mum. As for would it be 'fixing ' something to go it alone, well yes it would , but surely no more than having a child with a partner.

@summersadness1

I was in a v similar position to you ten years ago

After a lot of soul searching and awful conversations with my parents, I decided to have kids on my own. I couldn't ultimately ever guarantee meeting someone but I could have children alone. Definitely not ideal and I wouldn't want anyone to be in my position - but it was the right decision for me

I now have 7 yr old boy/ girl twins and could not be happier. Yes I'm still single but I don't regret ever having kids alone. I still hope to meet someone - but I no longer feel sad.

I would be very happy to talk to you if that would help. I faced almighty opposition from my parents when I told them about my plans. Nowadays my parents adore my kids.

Let me know. I know it's tough but you do have choices.

@Ted27 agree with everything you've said too

One of my closest friends has been online dating on and off for 10 years. She met someone last year at 39 and they are planning to start TTC in a couple of months...

Family units have changed so much , I would consider a baby on own /adoption. You have your whole life to meet someons , people meet at all ages. I am in your position only younger(slightly). I would not give up yet.

‘Sad and lonely’ aren’t the descriptors if my friends who had kids on their own....

First of - you aren’t lonely with a child. Ever. The love you feel for them and the love/need for you that come soon your way from them is an incredibly fulfilling emotion.

Sad? I still remember the first smile of my babies. And then all the things that happen on daily basis. Being single or partnered changes nothing on that dimension.

It can be more challenging on some practical levels - but this is where financial security can help. You’ll need to organise your life and organise help, if you can’t count on family. However - you underestimate your family most likely. Sure - if they are conservative - they won’t approve at first. But blood is blood. And babies win over relatives in no time.

None of this is to convince you that you should have a child on your own. More - to make you think about life, expectations and choices. I think people sometimes get so hang up on a certain path their life was supposed to take - and when it doesn’t - it seems over and pointless. But it isn’t.
It’s the expectations that are possibly pointless, and can be looked at. Tweaked, maybe....

Follow @livsalone on Instagram and read her blog. I found it hugely inspiring and a very realistic account of going from your situation to having a child.

First of - you aren’t lonely with a child. Ever. The love you feel for them and the love/need for you that come soon your way from them is an incredibly fulfilling emotion.

Yeah you love them but a baby isnt a substitute for adult relationships. yes the love between you and the baby is very fulfilling but on a day-to-day level it doesn't mean that you will never be lonely. I've been a stay at home mum in the past and even though I have a partner who comes home every evening the day times can be so incredibly lonely. I can't imagine how lonely it could be being single parent. The weight of responsibility would be just on you to make sure that child is safe and happy and stimulated all of the time with no one to share any of the good or bad bits with. I think op that a lot of the people that you see around you having children with people they met late on are just settling in order to get the child but they want. I guess you'll have to weigh up what's worse settling and not being 100% happy or refusing to settle for someone who is second best. I wouldn't have wanted to plan to be a single mum either especially not now I know how incredibly hard and relentless having children is.

Yes, having DC isn’t insurance against loneliness!

In your situation, assuming finances stack up, I would look into going it alone.

And would also go hardcore on dating, via any friends/family introductions as well as online!

I don't agree that you can't be lonely if you have a child. You can be lonely in any situation.
I have been lonely in the past, when I was very unhappy with life.
But I am happy with the life I have chosen, Its a good life, sometimes its hard, but it can be even if you have a partner. Sometimes I am alone, but often because I choose to be, and that is not the same as being lonely.
My son was 7 when he came to live with me, so was in school. I still had a year off for adoption leave, I had many emotions that first year but loneliness wasnt one of them.

If it were me personally I'd have children on my own. But then kids was always the bigger thing for me. As it is I did things the fairytale way and I'm miserable, not because I have kids but because of my dp behaviour.

I know 2 mums who have had kids on their own, both went on to have a second and don't regret their choices. One needed both egg and sperm donars due to infertility. Their both now very much not interested in finding a partner and very happy with their choice to go it alone.

I also have a friend who didn't meet her DH till she was 36 and had married and had 2 kids with him before turning 40. I know she'd given up on both a partner and children when they met. She felt very strongly that she couldn't do it on her own.

I think if this is something you feel this deeply about it might be worth getting counselling to work through it all. You may find that for you you absolutely need the partner first, but you may not. Sometimes it really helps to talk through things with someone neutral.