I want a family so much that i am struggling to cope watching everyone around me and accepting this. any advice?

[summersadness1]

I'm 36, nearly 37. I have always wanted a family and I have spent so long watching people around me build a life with someone.

I don't want a child alone, for me it is about that family unit. which I know doesn't always last even when you have it. but it just wouldn't be something I would want to do.

I feel as if I need to start accepting that this is the life for me. I have had a lot of dates and I don't mind dating but I have never found the right one. I don't think im too picky and I am open minded, it just hasn't happened. I feel so sad about it and don't know how to move on. all I have ever wanted was that family and I feel like even if I meet someone now, it would be hard having a family as im probably too old.

I am chatting and sociable and have good friendships, nobody would know I feel this way. I have cried every night for weeks now. not coping really. any advice welcome.

The good news is that you really are still young and don’t have to make any decisions yet.
At 38 I was in a completely platonic marriage with a lovely man who to this day is still one of my best friends. I’m now 41 and less than 3yrs later, I’m divorced, remarried to the love of my life, have a beautiful little boy 18mths and we’re TTC baby number 2. A lot can happen in a relatively short time.
Alternatively my wonderful single friend recently adopted a gorgeous baby boy at nearly 50. She’s an amazing mother and he’s the luckiest little boy.
Different routes work for different people but you’ve got time to find the right route for you xx

Thanks so much for the replies.

I worry about being pregnant and being on my own if something happened. I work in a big city and friends aren’t exactly on the same road. It’s that part I worry about rather than the single parent part...I am confident about that but and agree that often without a man/dp involved it can be better and easier!!

I knew really early on that I wanted “the whole package” or none of it.
I never never wanted to go it alone and frankly prepared myself for that outcome (ie no children) for a long time.

The reality is at 37 you still have a (small) window...

I think the questions to answer are: do you want to have one last go at meeting someone or are you ready to make peace with it?
Do you really only want a baby with a partner? (Your last post hints otherwise )

OP, I think if your gut is saying you don’t want a child alone you should listen to it. I know the advice is well meaning but it’s such an incredible undertaking, you have to be 100% sure. And you’re not even halfway sure, I think you’d be trying to talk yourself into it.

In your shoes I’d aggressively date to find a partner who wanted kids very soon. I did similar at 28 (I know I was younger but I had legitimate concerns re my fertility and knew I wanted kids). We were happy to wait three years for our first as we had the time, but at 38 I’d be dating to find a man who wanted to TTC within the year. They’re out there, guys who want and are ready for kids! You have some time, but only a little. Better to go out from your fertile window with a bang having tried your very best. Do you date much? You need to be on several sites, asking friends about their single friends, and going on several dates per week. Be upfront about what you want (a serious relationship, with the right person, to have a family, and that it would be soon).

The good news is that you really are still young and don’t have to make any decisions yet.

Im sorry I really disagree with this statement. You are not young and you do need to make a decision about what you want out of life. Telling yourself the opposite could end in you never having children.

I agree with the poster who said you should not have children alone unless it really is for you.

Yes you can date in fury and hopefully you will meet someone. But my personal view is you are then putting yourself (and any future partner) under considerable pressure for all the wrong reasons.

I dated in fury for a set period of time - til I was 38. At the same time I investigated having a child alone.

I would therefore recommend three things that might help you :

• get your fertility tested by your GP. They can test hormones and so on which will give you an indication of whether you are ovulating. I also had my tubes checked.
• confirm to yourself how long you want to date before you might go it alone ie set yourself a deadline At which point you stop Plan A (dating) and consider Plan B.
• investigate Plan B (solo motherhood) It doesn't mean you have to take it up but at least you will be better placed to decide if it is for you or not. I would suggest contacting DCN and they can put you in touch with a single woman in your area who you could meet with and talk. There are also some secret Facebook groups you can join to discuss with women in a similar position to you.

Hope this is helpful.

ask about their single friends, and going on several dates per week. Be upfront about what you want (a serious relationship, with the right person, to have a family, and that it would be soon).

This is so true.

I did it for just over 2 years!? With 2 mid term relationships which I ended as soon as it become apparent there were doubts/

I explained to my DP I was on a timeline (this was date 4 😳😬)
It’s been 2 years and we have just bought a house and will get engaged in the next 3-4 months and (hopefully) marry next summer

God knows if we have left it too late but i took one of the blood fertility tests and I am in the “your eggs are okay... for your age” bracket which really helped me calm down about it to a surprising degree. 🤷‍♀️

Tbh this is why I made finding a good guy and having children a priority in my prime fertile years (easier when your younger, more attractive and more single peers), as you have found out we have till our 70s to have a career and work, we as women have very little time to become biological mothers. My heart breaks for you I'd feel exactly the same in your position, I was bored of clubs by my early 20s.

I’m mid 30s and feel exactly the same xx

I explained to my DP I was on a timeline (this was date 4 😳😬)

It’s been 2 years and we have just bought a house and will get engaged in the next 3-4 months and (hopefully) marry next summer

Congrats!

It was our second date, me 28 and OH 24. I said to him I was planning to start a family within two or three years and if that aligned with his plans, cool, if not, that’s cool too but we can just be friends as I’m only looking to date with the intent to settle down and have children. He did see that as his future, which kinda amazed me at his age when he still had a year left of uni (long course!) but it was great to be on the same page from day one as I believed if either of us had realised that we weren’t gonna head down that path together we’d have ended it.

Moved in to a rental at one year, started saving, started the process of buying a house at 2.5 years, started trying a month later, we’ll have been together 3.5 years when the baby arrives.

It can be done. I wouldn’t give up hope. It’d comfort me going forward to have known I’d given it my best shot and it just wasn’t meant to be. Don’t be afraid to state your goals, you’ll filter out the men who don’t share them. I know loads of women in their thirties who’ve decided now’s the time and started dating like it’s a job and managed to have kids.

Also disagree with the well meaning ‘you’ve got plenty of time!’ reassurance, gen up on fertility stats and the chances of conception each month at your age, chance of miscarriage, of chromosomal issues. If anything time is soon going to run out so you need to approach this with the urgency it requires.

Thanks 😊
Am struggling to wait for my giant shiny rock be patient at the minute

Ps Mine is also a younger model too 😆

summersadness, I really felt for you when I read your opening post.

A lot of single people feel as you do but you may not remain single and could have that family in the future. I know you feel time is marching on but you're not old yet - could meet someone tomorrow! I hope for your sake that you do. However, there are great advantages to being single. Please try to appreciate what you have right now.

I was a single mum then met DP and we had another child.
I wasn't lonely very often as a single mum because I had a mum network and my own family and friends.
It could work out for you similarly.
I know it's a massive decision, but there are positive features of being a single parent

Hi OP, I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I don't have much advise other than this book I've just finished to read

How To Be Single And Happy: Science-Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soulmate https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0143130994/ref=cmswwrcppapiii_NgAeDb55VC2TJ

Unlike the title, it's a great book about women psychology of being "alone"

@2eternities that was a really smug and unpleasant post. Taunting the OP because you made different choices. Let's hope you're not back here in a few years because your DH left you and you have no career to fall back on eh?

Sorry about her OP. For the record I'm Widowed with two young DD's and I wouldn't advise single parenthood. I. cannot emphasise how hard it is and the constant guilt, worry and loneliness. Thankfully I do have a career to fall back on to support my daughters!

I'd date aggressively and if that failed then re-evaluate.

@QuickQuestion2019 Thoughtful reply, thank you.

For me having a child on my own at 34 took the pressure off the need to meet someone and create that perfect family unit. As for support systems they change when you have a child and connect with other new Mums. You can have relationships at any age but your fertile years are limited unless you would consider using donor eggs.

Quick question I don't rely on him financially though so it wouldn't matter. I also wasn't being smug at all I just pointed out why I did things the other way round, but then again where I live it's normal to have your kids in your 20s. Also my mum did the same and worked out for her. She's now 50 with three gorgeous grandchildren and a career she Loves. She's also single and happier than ever lol.

I actually said I feel sorry for the OP an I hope she gets to become a mother. But for many women fertility goes to pot mid 30s a one anyone who doesn't want to end up spending the downpayment on a house to have children should make it a priority earlier instead of wasting their prime fertile Years doing something they have their entire lives to do.

Also my DP is a devoted dad and family orientated person despite being relatively young and actually anyone's partner could leave them at any time, in All honesty your comment is extremely bitchy and I'd rather be a young single mother than an older one given how much work it is when they are little. You shouldn't put other women's choices down like you are trying to do to me.

Op, you sound like you have so much to give a child, I hope you really consider some of the options laid out here. It wouldn't be a bed of roses, nothing ever is. I have kids and a good man but often feel lonely due to other issues. Life is never perfect, we all carry something.
Where would you like to be in 10 years time?

Don't lose hope OP. The family you end up with might not be what you pictured but you will need up with someone. You have so much love to give. Also I know plenty of people who have kids well into their forties. I know a lot of women think 40 is the cut off but it's simply not true for many.

Have you looked at getting a fertility mot done? I had one and it was really useful in predicting how my body was doing. Good luck OP. You sound lovely.

All honesty your comment is extremely bitchy

Pot, meet kettle

Have you considered fostering? Or perhaps if you have a spare room, taking in a lodger?

I can't say a family has ever been a goal of mine but I would have loved to have the company of a husband by now, for the company and the travel company and, just to have someone, you know. But as I've got older I've realised I would much prefer to just have some good friends in my life so now im focusing on that. If I was in your position I would focus on finding COMPANY for myself. Friendships, pets ect… and perhaps look into fostering (maybe older kids so it doesn't feel so much like you are having to raise a young child alone).

I get the feeling of 'maybe its just not meant to be' but...you know that doesn't have to be a bad thing, as there are other options :)

I didn’t read 2eternities’s comment as bitchy, it won’t come as a surprise to OP as she’s aware she’s in this position, but it could be helpful to younger women reading this post thinking that in their twenties they have all the time in the world to meet someone and settle down. If I was asked for advice to give to younger women it’d be to think very carefully about what they want and what they’re willing to compromise on and have a game plan, don’t just assume it’ll all fall into place as it can be really hard work meeting the right person, you can have several failed relationships, and fertility doesn’t last forever. Yes, of course don’t have children you’re not ready for. But don’t also assume that you have unlimited time. If I hadn’t gotten very serious about having kids when I was 27 with my ex who realised he didn’t want them I wouldn’t have dated with such intent, round the right person and been so clear about my needs. I could so easily have fallen into a relationship with someone else who had incompatible goals and then been another four years down the line breaking up, childless and even less fertile. I saw empathy in 2eternities’s post, she said she felt for the OP, she’s just explaining what she did differently to avoid this and I don’t think that came across smug, smug would be the breezy ‘oh it all just easily fell into place for me, you poor sod’. She worked for it and I think it might help others reading.

Thank you emerald I really didn't mean to be smug I was just pointing it out, someone above said she is still really young when fertility wise she isn't and is nearing the end of her fertile years. A family is a huge sacrifice no matter your age or career status anyway, and careers can be rebuilt, started again etc whetheras fertility can't. Ops post made me generally sad especially the part about the house and life she's built hoping to have a family and it feels pointless having it without one as I can imagine how she feels, I have not a single childless friend left at nearly 28 and would feel a bit lost now without my children. I do think if you always know you definitely want a family it should be a priority over careers and money which can be obtained at any point in your life.