Am I right be annoyed and upset

[Ribbon86]

Hey , struggling to cope today . Had a massive argument with dh yesterday , it was his birthday I booked a hotel overnight stay for Friday bought him some nice presents we arranged to have the dc looked after Friday/Saturday . Came home Saturday suggested he goes out for a few beers with his mates he said no he wanted to stay in we could watch a film takeaway etc , so we go and I buy some snacks /alcohol for our night in . We get home he wants to go to the gym so I go do some gardening as it was still early in the day , he comes home and says I’m just going to go to the pub now ..... I feel so stupid for letting him treat me like this , I explained it upset me to be pushed aside considering we very rarely have no kids to look after and yet he feels it’s ok to have made plans with me now changing them and I’ve to sit home alone . Am I right to be annoyed ?? He sniggered at me when I got upset and does what he always does and says I’m moaning about him going out which is clearly not the case . So he left anyway at 5pm yesterday and I’ve had no contact or seen him since . Just needed to vent on here

Yeah she is just as bad , last time he ran to mummy I called him I had to go to a meeting and he moaned because his mum had just made his dinner

He's a cunt OP. Empower yourself whilst he is on a vanishing act by making preparations to leave him.

You have all made me feel so much stronger already I’ve stopped crying been for a shower and ate I just need to stay strong that’s the hard bit

Think strong OP. You’re doing everything already, in fact you’ll be doing less because you’ll have 1 less child to look after.

Op to offer a bit of solidarity, my dp has fucked up monumentally recently. Our relationship isn't currently as bad as yours but having read your thread I realise where it might go. I've offered him an ultimatum tonight: shape up or ship out. Instinct tells me he'll ship out. I know that your situation has gone beyond issuing ultimatums and our circumstances are entirely different but you've been offered some great advice here. It's certainly made me realise what I'm prepared to accept.
I hope you keep strong, you don't deserve to be made miserable. Keep eating and showering and try to start mentally moving on.
And thanks for sharing, you've given me a complete kick up the backside

Hope you're ok this morning. Strength to you OP. You don't deserve this treatment, he's a nasty bastard and this is no way to live.

@bitchfromhell hope your holding up it really is shit isn’t it how people can treat people in a nasty way I’m the complete opposite and world never dream of being nasty to people I care about , maybe that’s part of the problem as to why I’m struggling to get my head around it .

I managed to sleep last night but woke a few times with that horrible sick feeling ideally when things happen I would like to talk about it and try resolve it but he has no problem walking away , I’ve still not heard anything from him even tho he’s off today and supposed to be collecting the kids from school , I’ve covered that tho and kept the original plans with my mum ( mum doesn’t know yet ) he might turn up at the school but then again he might not

OP you are enabling him to treat you like this.
Why do you think you deserve so little?
Please find some strength.
He is a total cunt and you can do far better without him.
What does separation look like?
He's useless anyway.
You may as well do it on your own.

@Ribbon86 im ok thanks no conversation about it yet but he's done night feeds and been nice this morning so hopefully when we get chance to talk tonight things will improve. I've been slowly becoming a doormat over the years and it stops now.

You're so nice to ask when you're going through such a shit time yourself

You sound like you need to find some strength. I wonder if you accepted he is just like this and not going to change it might help? I think if you keep living in the hope that somehow he'll become better person the spiral will continue.

He might turn up at the school but then again he might not.

Surely this tells you everything you need to know.

You need to leave this man! I understand how hard it must be and that your life will be upended but you need to do it for your children. They come first even if it means you need to do something you don't want to. Their mum absolutely needs to be the one person who will protect and do anything for them.

@bitchfromhell that’s the thing I could try and accept that is the way he is but I know derp down that I shouldn’t , surely he needs to realise when he upsets me . We’ve been to counselling before but he lied thorough most of it making out he was perfect where as I looked like a crazy person because I was honest and got frustrated because if the lies .i suppose I’m just scared . I’m glad things are looking up for you I’ll keep my fingers crossed that things improve . x

@Morgan12 This is what he does and usually I will need to contact him due to not having childcare and I think he feels he wins because I “need him “ . I would t take the chance of him not turning up so I’ve arranged it with my mum . It’s the not knowing that’s getting to me , my heads pounding , feeling sick and I’ve got an 8hoir shift to look forward to

I can see why you hope he'll change, but surely you know he won't? And his mum is one of the reasons he won't. If my son turned up like that I'd send him back home again and tell him to treat his wife better.

Could you manage without him financially? He's neither use nor ornament to you at the moment and you are managing in every other way without him. Go to the Entitled To website and put some details into the calculator there. Then go to the child support website and do the same thing.

Even if you don't act on it, just knowing how you'd manage will help you.

Yeah I think I’d be fine , I’d imagine I’d be entitled to tax credits that doesn’t worry me , it’s the whole this is what I know and I don’t think I’m strong enough to end it

I think you'd have to be stronger to live with a man like that.

Maybe 'this is what I know' is the problem - try to imagine a different life, one where you don't live with someone who treats you badly. One where you're not crying and upset all the time. One where you don't have a man going out spending family money on alcohol and staying out all night, upsetting you, when he could have spent the night with you.

You deserve so much better.

@HollowTalk thanks for your advice , I know I’m a big part of the problem as an adult and mum I should be able to do what’s right or deal with it better I don’t know what’s happened to me . I stand up to everything that’s wrong ie work issues etc but for some reason let him treat me like this

"I stand up to everything that’s wrong ie work issues etc but for some reason let him treat me like this"

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

This individual targeted you and deliberately so. Some abusive men like outwardly "strong" women to abuse because they see them as a further challenge to bring down.

His mother is the self same and the rotten apple that is he did not fall far from the rotten tree. Its also of no real surprise to me that counselling did not work also because he outright lied; he likely also manipulated the counsellor as well into taking his side.
People stay in abusive relationships for all sorts of reasons; being scared of their abuser is one, financial concerns and the children are yet others. No obstacle though to leaving is insurmountable and you only need to give your own self permission to leave.

Abuse like this is really insidious in its onset and creeps up on people unawares.

Ducks in a row.
Get copies of all relevant documents, bank statements, passports, credit cards etc.
Open a separate account if you don’t already have one.
Move half of all savings into your account.
Even if you don’t separate now, you will lay the ground work if you need to in the future.
FWIW I think you should LTB.

You do not have to accept this and be treated like this. My husband would never do this to me and if he did then I’d finish it. This is not acceptable behaviour and you deserve better. He is disgusting. Finish it. Get childcare sorted so you don’t need to rely on him. Look into getting counselling to help you get strong enough to finish things. Are you still having sex with him? Don’t do that anymore! Don’t do anything for him. No washing, no dinners, no sex. He’s treating you like a farm animal. You can do this on your own and you can have a better life. Call on whatever support you’ve got. Keep posting on here so that we can support you.

Op he sounds just like my ex. He was an absolute mind fuck and I felt like I was going crazy.

Can I tell you whenever I read about situations like yours, the one thing that people always say that sticks out to me is they don't want to leave their house/the kids love the house/they don't want the kids to give up their home. I felt the same, I was devastated at losing my house.

But I'll tell you now op - it's just a house. Kids are adaptable and will love the next house. Focus on getting yourself out of the situation rather than things you don't want to let go. Wherever you move, if you need to, will be a home. I ended up in a house that once I moved into was like my safe haven. I felt safe, I had a fresh start without all the old memories of my ex everywhere, it was also completely mine so he couldn't continue acting like it was his. I bloody loved that house.

Sorry op, to be clear, I didn't mean accept it and let him stay. I mean accept it and move on with your life.

Hi everyone , thank you all for your kind words and support .

So I’ve come home from work to him here ( he arranged with my mum to collect kids from school ) so far he’s apologised but I don’t believe a word of it , He could have thought at the time not 3 days later , he’s currently downstairs I explained again how it made me feel then left the room I will say no more on it . These last few months I’ve been clearing debt and managed to get rid of most of it so deep down I know this is not forever I’m trying to focus on me and dc I will stop letting him pick me up from work instead I will get the bus home ( again I think he likes the control ) I need to be clever from now on and stay strong I know he’ll hurt me again but I am working on it and eventually I’ll end it . I bought a book on CBT today really interesting I do feel I worry too much
thanks again I’ll keep updating on here you have all helped so much

I think working towards having an independent life (taking bus etc, having provision for childcare even though you shouldn't have to), getting out of debt are EXCELLENT things to do, you will begin to feel stronger and stronger as you fight towards your own life.

Send him back to his mother, he sounds pathetic