Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I right be annoyed and upset

77 replies

Ribbon86 · 23/06/2019 18:29

Hey , struggling to cope today . Had a massive argument with dh yesterday , it was his birthday I booked a hotel overnight stay for Friday bought him some nice presents we arranged to have the dc looked after Friday/Saturday . Came home Saturday suggested he goes out for a few beers with his mates he said no he wanted to stay in we could watch a film takeaway etc , so we go and I buy some snacks /alcohol for our night in . We get home he wants to go to the gym so I go do some gardening as it was still early in the day , he comes home and says I’m just going to go to the pub now ..... I feel so stupid for letting him treat me like this , I explained it upset me to be pushed aside considering we very rarely have no kids to look after and yet he feels it’s ok to have made plans with me now changing them and I’ve to sit home alone . Am I right to be annoyed ?? He sniggered at me when I got upset and does what he always does and says I’m moaning about him going out which is clearly not the case . So he left anyway at 5pm yesterday and I’ve had no contact or seen him since . Just needed to vent on here

OP posts:
ChuckleBuckles · 23/06/2019 19:58

I agree with the pp that said this was about power and mind games, this chopping and changing plans is designed to keep you guessing and trying to do "right" by him.

Could you pack up some of his clothes and get a friend to drop it at his mums, just enough for a few days space for you, just drop it off with a note saying you thought he might need a change of clothes for the week, no other explanations.

doodleygirl · 23/06/2019 20:00

Tell him to fuck off, stand up straight and find your self respect. You don’t need to have such a wanker in your life

Original poster
Ribbon86 · 23/06/2019 20:03

He’s so clever tho you would put money on him that he was telling the truth about stuff that is an outright lie he is so convincing to the point I thought I was going nuts , I had to write stuff down to assure myself I wasn’t going mad

OP posts:
Emilydickensonsdogs · 23/06/2019 20:05

This is understandably very upsetting for you. The loneliness that accompanies this sort of relationship is so hard.
This man will not change. You can stay with him for the next 20 years or you can take back the control and leave. He has treated you appallingly, it is emotional abuse.
I would start to plan my exit. Have you family you can talk to?

burnyburny · 23/06/2019 20:06

I had to write stuff down to assure myself I wasn’t going mad

Someone who loves you doesn't take pleasure in making you doubt your own state of mind.

Original poster
Ribbon86 · 23/06/2019 20:08

I know this sounds daft but I won’t leave my house it is joint mortgage but I’ve put so much into it , the dc love it it would kill me to leave , I’ve physically been sick today with the not knowing what’s going on .
I really appreciate the advice and support from everyone

OP posts:
bitchfromhell · 23/06/2019 20:15

Someone will probably come along on here and give you some legal advice about the house, there's always someone on Mumsnet that knows. You could even try starting a specific thread to ask about it. In your situation it really shouldn't be you that leaves. However, in legal terms I have no idea where you stand.

Emilydickensonsdogs · 23/06/2019 20:16

Ribbon, I really feel for you. Get yourself feeling stronger and then start to get some financial advise, to see where you stand. I’m sure the kids love their house but they will be happy anywhere if they are with you. They will pick up on the atmosphere and that you’re upset as they get older. Know you are a good mother but you also need to look after yourself x

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 23/06/2019 20:21

What does he say when you call or text him ? If he's in available/ not responding, why don't you pop over to his mothers and see him there ?

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 23/06/2019 20:22

*if he's not available

Original poster
Ribbon86 · 23/06/2019 20:25

I don’t usually cal or text unless I need to ask him about childcare , other times he’ll text have I to get the kids no mention of the argument etc but I’ve heard nothing from him this time and I doubt I will , he’ll want me to contact him .

I just don’t know how to get stronger , I’m like a zombie today , been sick thought I was having a panic attach I can’t get it all out my head

OP posts:
HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 23/06/2019 20:25

Ie - you should try calling him. Suggesting it's time to come home now !

Original poster
Ribbon86 · 23/06/2019 20:27

@ HumptyNumptyNooNoo he obviously doesn’t feel he should come home and I don’t feel that’s up to me to tell him too , I haven’t done anything wrong I’m the one upset so surely it’s up to him to try sort things ?

OP posts:
HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 23/06/2019 20:31

But it seems he's not going to. He's just treating you like a doormat . That's not right or fair, especially given the effect it's physically having on you.
Tell him he needs to choose,either keep being a twat and get divorced or come home and start being a responsible parent

burnyburny · 23/06/2019 20:32

The time to come home has well and truly passed. No decent dad needs to be told it's time to come home. Leave the loser to it. Assume he's left you and crack on as you would in that situation.

AyBeeCee10 · 23/06/2019 20:32

Dont text or call him op. It's what he wants. I hope this is the final straw for you. Who does he think he is to treat you this way.

Teresagreen1 · 23/06/2019 20:32

I'd been sending a suitcase full of his clothes to his mums, let her deal with him!

Original poster
Ribbon86 · 23/06/2019 20:34

I’ve tried before reasoning with him but he makes it so hard , I’d imagine he’s been out drinking all night so will be loving being able to chill out .
I’d also get really annoyed if he didn’t respond which I don’t think he would I’m trying not to cause myself anymore stress at the minute

OP posts:
Original poster
Ribbon86 · 23/06/2019 20:41

If really like to give him a piece of my mind but like you all said he wants me to have to contact him so I won’t I need to show him I can do this on my own

OP posts:
burnyburny · 23/06/2019 20:57

he works full time but still manages to go the gym okay his computer games etc , I work full time and do all the dc stuff /house etc I’m just so fed up

You're already doing it on your own OP!

Gummybear11 · 23/06/2019 21:03

@Ribbon86
For the sake of you and your children. Leave this 'relationship'. Unfortunately if you own the house jointly you cannot lock him out. But whatever you do, don't YOU move out. If you are serious about getting out of this shit show (he's an arse and has no respect for you whatsoever - better to be alone than have some CF taking the piss like this) you will need to contact a solicitor/cab for some free advice about how to go through the legal system to decide who gets to stay in the house with the children.

kazzer2867 · 23/06/2019 21:05

Please do not contact him.

I had a father just like him. Treated my mum just like you. Used to disappear for days (and leave her with no money). He didn't run off to his mums but another woman. He too didn't help my mum with the 4 children she had. In fact he was an absolutely useless father. She eventually threw him out. My mum thought we didn't know what was happening, but we did. To this day, 20 years later it still has an effect on all the children. We were so pleased when he left. Do this for your children. You'll be well rid. Show him you don't need him. Show your children that this is not the norm.

Good luck. You can do this.

Lipz · 23/06/2019 21:08

Sounds like you parent alone anyway, him not being there will probably be easier as you won't have him to worry about.

It is shit that he said he'd have a night in with you and saying he didn't want to go out then changed his mind, sounds like he spoke with the mates while at the gym and they talked him into it. Although he probably didn't need much persuasion .

I think I'd pack a bag of what he will need, there will be no need for him to call to the house, I'd just drop it at the Mother's door or get someone to do it, ring the bell and drive off.

He doesn't give a shit about you, if he did and if this was a one off over nighter, he'd contact you make sure you and kids were OK, even if he did it now and then any normal person would ring their partner and make sure everyone is OK. He does this regularly. He has a great night out and then pampered by Mammy while you are left home with the kids not knowing what is happening.

Put an end to his mind games and show him that you are WELL capable to manage without him.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 23/06/2019 21:24

@Ribbon86
I really feel for you, all that lovely effort you made for an ungrateful nasty bastard, and in return he treats you with contempt.

Definitely don't call him, he'll see it as a weakness you grovelling to get him home - I've seen this happen so many times and it really makes the female look ridiculously weak, and of course the guy just laps it up and doesn't comply anyway.

Like others have said you're doing it all by yourself anyway. If he's off the scene the waste of space won't be rubbing your nose in it. It will be a much calmer and happy household because you will know where you stand and not have him treating you like shit.

For you 💐💐💐

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 23/06/2019 21:29

… and your MIL sounds terrible too. If he was my DS, I would be giving him a talking about how to treat you and not treating him like Little Lord Fauntleroy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread