Oh ffs, I can’t believe I’m being this person.

[MustardScreams]

I have a very close friend that I’ve known for 8 years. He’s been there through quite literally everything - when dd’s dad left me at 38 weeks pregnant, when dd didn’t sleep for a year, my brutal PND, all my highs and lows.

He’s been single the whole time, and we’ve slept together on and off during this time under the guise of ‘best friends!!!!!’ It’s always been a question mark, but both of us have been too worried about ruining our friendship to move forward. Mainly coming from me more than anything.

And now he’s met someone and it’s serious. And I suddenly feel like I’ve had a massive breakup and I want to tell him to ditch her. How utterly, ridiculously selfish is that?! He’s so, so happy and I can’t find it in myself to be happy for him because I’m worried about losing my lifeline.

I just needed to get that off my chest instead of telling him and being a completely shite friend. Feel free to judge! I think I need some harsh words to snap me out of this.

I think you've missed the boat here OP. I feel for you. But now is not the time.

If his relationship doesn't last, and you still feel the same way, then by all means tell him.

If you can't bare seeing them happy and possibly starting a family etc, then I'd back away if I were you.

I feel for you though, sometimes we don't know what we have until it's gone.

Oh definitely. I know that ship has sailed. I am just so so sad about losing his friendship. I can cope without being in a relationship with him, it’s my default. But not having my go-to is going to be hard as hell. And I know we can’t continue our friendship in the same way as before because it’s not fair on his relationship.

Do you know for sure he is happy? How do you know he hasn't been in love with you and this is his effort to move on?
I do tend to agree with some others though, I think you would have realised before now if it was true love.

🙁 I think it has taken him being in a new relationship for you to realise what he means to you. Has he not had any relationships in the past 8 years?!

He had a relationship when I first knew him. But we’ve only been very close for 5 years or so and during that time I was with dd’s dad and he was single.

If you really love him then don't tell him, be happy that he's happy, and if you're meant to be then it won't work out with this other woman.

If you don't really love him then don't tell him either!

Well I have spoken to him. Not to tell him about how bloody ridiculous I am being, but just said I wanted to take a step back from our friendship whilst his relationship is in the early stages. He said he’s been wanting to talk to me about it because it’s making his girlfriend uncomfortable but didn’t know how to bring it up without hurting me. So I guess that’s the best outcome for everyone.

I feel like total shite though, I can’t believe it hurts this much! And he’s the one I’d call to bitch about it to and now I can’t. The only good thing about this is that he’s so happy. I’ll just have to keep reminding myself of that when I feel like shit.

Oh dear. Sorry that’s not a great outcome. But probably for the best.
I feel for you. It’s a very tough situation to be in.

I know it feels shitty right now but I think this is for the best for both of you. I don't think this is love, I think he's a crutch, a comfort zone that prevents you from having to take risks elsewhere, and both of you will benefit from being less dependent on the other.

Try to keep busy and do things with other people. If you don't have other friendships you can lean into/strengthen we're here to help you cultivate some.

The irony is this is what I was trying to avoid by not getting into a relationship with him. I should have just stopped being scared and holding back and I’m pretty sure I would have been incredibly happy.

For fucks sake

Op that’s tough. I feel for you I really do.

I’ve lost a close friend too in similar circumstances. It really hurts. Thing that helps me is thinking this which has kinda become my mantra: If you have a strong connection the years won’t matter. Life is long and you never know what twists and turns will happen in the future. But until that time live your best life and move on.

It sounds daft but that’s how I have let myself move on coz I can’t comprehend forever yet. I’m sure that’ll come though.

He’ll miss you too, op.

Plus: you might not have been happy. I once got together with my best friend and it was a train wreck.

I'm not a psychologist but it sounds like you are happiest when the guy is off limits - so when you were in a position to have a relationship with him you did push back; and now that he is in a relationship you want him - but because you can't have him iykwim. Maybe u dont really want a relationship.

Oh I'm sorry mustard.

I know what you mean about the phone calls, one of my friends is seriously ill and I'm so worried they'll die but I can hardly phone them up to wail about it, I'd frighten them to death

At least you are all clear and there were reasons which held you back before, even if they're not apparent to you now.

Lick your wounds a little and focus on yourself. Hopefully you'll resume some sort of friendship in the future.