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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Oh ffs, I can’t believe I’m being this person.

89 replies

MustardScreams · 22/06/2019 21:26

I have a very close friend that I’ve known for 8 years. He’s been there through quite literally everything - when dd’s dad left me at 38 weeks pregnant, when dd didn’t sleep for a year, my brutal PND, all my highs and lows.

He’s been single the whole time, and we’ve slept together on and off during this time under the guise of ‘best friends!!!!!’ It’s always been a question mark, but both of us have been too worried about ruining our friendship to move forward. Mainly coming from me more than anything.

And now he’s met someone and it’s serious. And I suddenly feel like I’ve had a massive breakup and I want to tell him to ditch her. How utterly, ridiculously selfish is that?! He’s so, so happy and I can’t find it in myself to be happy for him because I’m worried about losing my lifeline.

I just needed to get that off my chest instead of telling him and being a completely shite friend. Feel free to judge! I think I need some harsh words to snap me out of this.

OP posts:

OvalCanvas · 23/06/2019 11:00

Tell him. It will benefit all 3 of you if you do. His gf will either have a committed bf or a lucky escape , and you and he will know how you both truly feel.

This smacks of something that will come out eventually. If you are 100% sure that you want him then tell him now.

TSSDNCOP · 23/06/2019 11:01

I think you sound like a fine person OP. This is going to hurt like hell for a while, but you’re right to think there’s nothing you can do.

Whatever you do don’t go with them to a karaoke bar and get her to sing I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself

princessjellybeans · 23/06/2019 11:08

I am in a similar ish position but a bit worse! Definitely tell him! But I would actually think it's better in this situation to text a very well thought out message so that he's not required to react quickly. Tell him in the message you don't expect a reply and you don't expect anything to change etc but you've realised ..... etc etc

another20 · 23/06/2019 11:13

Why do you think the relationship didn’t progress to the next stage in the 8 years?

Did you ever speak about it?

Was he pushing for more or were you?

Did you have any reservations as to why he would not make a suitable partner during that time or did he?

Have either of you changed or wanted something different during that time?

Chopmyarmsoff · 23/06/2019 11:17

It’s very normal to grieve the change in a relationship that doesn’t benefit you and it’s easy to confuse the resulting panic as love.

Let him go. Que sera

Widgetsframe · 23/06/2019 11:18

I say tell him, If he is serious with his new relationship then you have lost him anyhow.

Once she finds out that you haven’t always been platonic then she will likely ask him to cool the friendship.

SinkGirl · 23/06/2019 11:25

Tell him. DH told me under not dissimilar circumstances (although we were not sleeping together). Nothing happened for a couple of years but we’ve now been married for 9 years this summer, two kids....

I’m very glad he told me.

PinguDance · 23/06/2019 11:31

Tell him. There’s no other way out believe me. And even if telling him ruins your relationship, and it doesn’t have to, that would be better than having the relationship slowly and confusingly curdle like it will of you don’t say anything

PinguDance · 23/06/2019 11:38

When I say tell him mind, I don’t mean do a Julia Roberts, I mean say something (I agree in a text) along the lines of - I think I need to take some time apart from you for now as I’m finding it hard to deal with you having a new girlfriend, it’s brought up some confusing feelings that I’m not sure what to do with.

Justathinslice · 23/06/2019 11:47

If he's truly happy, truly loves her, then keep quiet.

Give yourself a few months to make sure you actually love him, and you're not just panicking. THEN if he breaks up with her, or says he's not in love, tell him.

However, if they break up and he's heartbroken, let him recover before you tell him....

Original poster

MustardScreams · 23/06/2019 12:47

I’ll give him a call tonight I think. The thing is I don’t want him to end things with his girlfriend, from what he’s said she is absolutely lovely and so good for him. Which is why I feel I shouldn’t say anything, it’s just information that he can’t do anything with, and it will just make him feel like shit knowing that I’m struggling with this. And that’s not fair on him. I need to sort my head out!

OP posts:

ThatCurlyGirl · 23/06/2019 12:55

Bloody hell I think people are being harsh and you're being too hard on yourself - don't beat yourself up.

BUT you need to really think this through. If you don't tell him you'll either end up feeling shit about yourself or perhaps your feelings may change and you'll feel ok with it eventually.

If you do tell him then you can't go back. He'll either leave her for you (and I hate to make you feel worse but it sounds like either he hasn't gone for it before because he doesn't feel the same as you OR he doesn't want to risk your friendship). Alternatively (and more likely) he'll stay with her and either feel unable to still be friends or stay friends and you'll be in the situation above.

If I were her I'd feel uncomfortable with him being friends with someone who had told him they were in love with him because I'd feel it was disloyal to me and also feel it was unfair on her.

It's shit but I think you have to back off for a while either way and consider if you're willing to lose the friendship. Unless you are, I'd stay quiet. Your feelings may change.

Don't beat yourself up - you can't help how you feel and you haven't done anything wrong, you're thinking it over not being impulsive and dropping a bombshell.

Are you willing to risk the friendship?

CmdrCressidaDuck · 23/06/2019 12:59

Why would you call him tonight?! Especially since you are (sensibly) not about to lay a whole load of emotion and confusion on him?

Don't call him at all. Back right off for now.

Cobblersandhogwash · 23/06/2019 13:00

I think you should keep quiet and fade into the wallpaper for a while.

Let him get on with his new love, someone who really wants him and who isn't afraid to take the risk.

I'm not convinced you really want him anyway. It's only because he's met someone else that you have these feelings.

If you're mad about someone, then you really want it. And you go for it. You don't hum and haw the way you have. And it's totally unfair on your friend.

You're worried about his being close to this other woman and that your friendship will be a second priority. Which it will be.

Focus on finding someone you are crazy about. If that's what you want.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/06/2019 13:05

Don't tell him. It's not fair. You're just unburdening yourself on him, even if you tell him he doesn't need to do anything; he'll know. He'll have to decide whether to tell his new partner - he should, and she'd be reasonable to ask him to limit contact with you as a result. He'd know that by staying with her, he was accidentally hurting you.

No good will come of telling him. If you love him, leave him to be happy. If it splits if it's own accord, see how you feel then. I suspect that it's not love; and you're panicking because you're losing a lifeline and an option for you, and your mind is searching for a way to change that and get him back. Suddenly being in love with him means you can try and claim him, to move him closer to you so that you feel more safe again.

But if I'm wrong; you should let his relationship run its course anyway. Don't be a part of it falling down. Differentiate your crutches, learn not to need him, so if you do end up together, you're not risking your crutch again. You sound rather dependent on him.

SavingSpaces2019 · 23/06/2019 13:07

I can’t find it in myself to be happy for him because I’m worried about losing my lifeline
You're not in love with him.
You've become co-dependent on him - in a very unhealthy way.

If you truly had romantic feelings for him it would have come out during the last 8 years.
You've got used to having your cake and eating it and have become territorial.

He's finally found someone who likes him enough to want to take things further.
He deserves that chance and to feel happy and wanted/fancied rotten in return.
Let him enjoy that. Don't selfishly ruin it for him.

Original poster

MustardScreams · 23/06/2019 14:02

@SavingSpaces2019 harsh I think? At no point have I said I was going to tell him, I know it’s selfish which is why I’ve posted here to get it off my chest rather than ruining a good thing for him. He is my friend first and foremost and I do massively care about him and won’t willingly hurt him if I can help it.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/06/2019 14:04

OP, genuinely, if you tell him and he drops her and comes to you expecting a proper relationship, how will you react?

Original poster

MustardScreams · 23/06/2019 14:14

Well first of all I’d tell him he was a bloody idiot for ending a good relationship for someone that clearly can’t make her mind up!

And then we’d try being together, properly. Not just friends that bang every now and again, but really give it a go.

It sucks because if I’d just realised this sooner we’d already be together. I am such an idiot. I thought I had all the time in the world.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/06/2019 14:22

I thought I had all the time in the world
This isn't a kind thought. It's like you were taking him for granted. Happy to have him at arms length to pull close when you fancied.

another20 · 23/06/2019 14:24

Mustard I am wondering if your feelings are responding only to this recent development of the serious relationship rather than the reality of the last 8 years? Are you able to consider any of the answers to the Q’s that I posted at 11:13 - they might help you.

Also was your friendship less intense / fading when he met someone else? As there a pattern to when you ended up having sex (drink, depression?)

Original poster

MustardScreams · 23/06/2019 18:15

@another20 we’ve always prioritised friendship over a relationship. Both of us have had really shitty breakups in the time we’ve known each and before, so I think we were very cautious.

We talked about getting together quite a few times. It was always on the cards I think, we just never took that jump. I definitely held back a lot more than he did, dd’s dad did a proper number on me and for a long time I just needed to be single and not have the complications of a relationship whilst I got to grips with being a mum.

I definitely had reservations, he is such a wonderful, kind hearted person and I knew I’d have to be all in if we got together and I wasn’t ever in a position to give him that. I didn’t want to fuck up and lose him. So it was easier to be friends and have his friendship and not risk it. Which seems like a blood stupid reason now!

OP posts:

cookiechomper · 23/06/2019 18:24

I don't think you should tell him. Of he's head over heels for someone else's you're not going to get the answer you want. And it possibly could affect your friendship. One day, he may marry this new woman and you being in love with him may be a problem for her.

cookiechomper · 23/06/2019 18:25

But if they do come to an end, that's your time to tell him.

carla1983 · 23/06/2019 19:08

"If you didn’t realise before he got together with someone else I doubt very much that it is love."

This.

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