Oh ffs, I can’t believe I’m being this person.

[MustardScreams]

I have a very close friend that I’ve known for 8 years. He’s been there through quite literally everything - when dd’s dad left me at 38 weeks pregnant, when dd didn’t sleep for a year, my brutal PND, all my highs and lows.

He’s been single the whole time, and we’ve slept together on and off during this time under the guise of ‘best friends!!!!!’ It’s always been a question mark, but both of us have been too worried about ruining our friendship to move forward. Mainly coming from me more than anything.

And now he’s met someone and it’s serious. And I suddenly feel like I’ve had a massive breakup and I want to tell him to ditch her. How utterly, ridiculously selfish is that?! He’s so, so happy and I can’t find it in myself to be happy for him because I’m worried about losing my lifeline.

I just needed to get that off my chest instead of telling him and being a completely shite friend. Feel free to judge! I think I need some harsh words to snap me out of this.

My view on this probably won’t be a popular one.

When people talk about the one that got away or the potential relationship that failed to take off due to bad timing or the friendship that could’ve been more but the friendship being too precious to jeapordise etc I honestly think the truth is none of those things. They are palatable ways of explaining why two people, or at least one of the two, didn’t really want a relationship.

It’s kinder, to ourselves and/or the other person (but mostly ourselves) to view it in these ways than it is to say if we had both really wanted each other in that way we’d have given it a go.

If there’s reticence to progress it’s almost never because of anything other than it just not being right and the connection/attraction not being strong enough to warrant anything more.

I don’t know if looking at it that way is helpful for you or not, but I do feel for you, I’ve been there.

I can’t decide.

I’m on the other side of this - best friend didn’t want me as more and it was me that moved on (engaged to someone else now)

I’ve no idea how he feels about me now as we’re no longer close, which was my decision as I realised that I was stuck and it was stopping me from moving on having him as my lifeline, best friend etc. It’s no coincidence I’m sure that it was when I distanced myself from him that I fell for dp.

I think my friend didn’t see the same thing you didn’t see - that there is a certain emotional intimacy and intensity that can ONLY exist between single people. He used to say that if he met someone they’d never replace me but now I think about it in lots of respects they should replace me in terms of support and comfort and telling you about the minutiae of their day and so on. It’s not fair on the other partner otherwise.

But it was as if he wanted to have his cake and to eat it too. He wanted a shiny new romance but thought that could coexist with his comfortable and emotionally intimate friendship with me, the sort of intimacy you only have when you know someone very well.

I honestly don’t know how I’d react if he declared feeling now. I think I’d be angry.

You need to distance yourself and get on with your own life. If this relationship comes to nothing, that's your window. However, be prepared that he doesn't want anything serious ' so as not to ruin the friendship' then. Men tend to not worry about things like that imo so be prepared that he doesn't feel the same. it's a tricky situation. Good luck whatever you decide

He's been your crutch for many years, But only your crutch. The feelings you have now is not love, its panic at losing your crutch.

You would have found a away to be together in the last 8 years if you were in love with him.

You do love him but you are not and never have been in love with him.

A decent person would keep quiet now. It's up to you if you do or don't.

His new partner will probably see how you feel about him anyway, which might make things difficult for all of you.
Very hard, but you need to find a new relationship for yourself. Let your lovely friend be happy, it sounds like he deserves to be.

If you had me someone else a month ago, would you have been emotionally able to start a new relationship with them and fall head Over heels whilst you had been in your FWB situation?

The fact your friend has been able to does suggest he wasn’t invested in the same way you were.
Yes he obviously loves and trusts you as a friend but the fact is he was emotionally and romantically still available.

It wouldn’t be the truth that he did this purely as he didn’t think you and he would ever make the leap. Fact is you were at the most likely place ever to do this (both single and having sex) and it didn’t happen.

If he was torn about it then he would have either broached it with you or simply not started a new relationship.

Sorry OP.
I can imagine how much this hurts but you need to move on.
You are grieving the loss of what you and he had but it doesn’t sound like long term it was what you actually needed.

Be thankful you have had his support and step back a bit now with the chance that in future you can all be friends even if in a much different way.

Focus on yourself and your self esteem and get out there and you will meet someone else who is actually the right person for you.

@MoobaaMoobaa you’ve hit the nail on the head there I think. I don’t think I’m ‘in love’ with him, but the fact that he’s moving on my security as such is being taken away. I’m just so cross with myself for feeling like this, it’s ridiculous.

I haven’t met her yet, I’m obviously going to at some point but I’m putting it off because I really don’t know how to act! I don’t know how much my friend has told her about our friendship and I’m worried that I’ll make her feel awkward by being there. But we all have a similar friendship group and so our paths will cross eventually.

It's over. You missed your chance. Grieve it and move on.

If the two of you were genuinely in bigtime love you would have acted on it by now, especially as you were already having sex, so it's not even like neither of you were brave enough to just lay one on the other. He doesn't feel that way about you.

These relationships aren't really healthy anyway. Too enmeshed and comfortable to start something with someone else, too cowardly to take any risks. You need to step way back anyway and be willing to put yourself out there with someone who actually wants what you want.

Take an extended break from contact with him. Treat it like a breakup. Don't tell him why unless you absolutely have to, though. He doesn't need your FEELINGSBOMB to mess with his head when he has the chance to build his new relationship.

Your friendship is over, so you may as well tell him so he has a choice.

You can’t be friends with someone you love and fancy.

It will ruin your life and relationships, and his gf would probably complicate/end your friendship, if he doesn’t himself.

So you may as well tell him: let him choose between a new relationship and you.

There is a risk that if you tell him and he leaves her for you you'll change your mind ...

I don't mean that in an unkind way but sometimes these things work that way

God I’m not going to make him choose! I have absolutely no right to do that. He is smitten and the happiest I’ve seen him in a long time. I posted because I had to tell someone so I didn’t just call him and blurt it out. Which he would take well anyway because he’s such a good person. Which is why I’m having such a hard time of this.

I definitely need to give him some space because the last thing I want is to cause any drama.

If he's completely smitten and happy with her, why would she feel awkward if she met you. He's chosen her, she's the one he wants to be with, she'll feel smug if anything ( but probably won't actually bat an eyelid)

You seem a self-absorbed, imagining how she might feel meeting you. Do you perhaps want her to feel awkward around you? To validate that the last 8 years 'meant something'?

If he's smitten and deeply involved with her your contact will be naturally reducing a lot anyway, so take the opportunity to reduce it further. Go out more and do different things. Cultivate other friendships. Find other confidants.

MustardScreams
don't put pressure on yourself to meet them, and start to put distance between you and him. Take your time to grieve, he may or may not understand your distancing from him. But he doesn't need to know.

The likelyhood is that he will have less time to spend with you anyway, as a serious relationship automatically takes up a big part of time, and he may be glad of not feeling obliged to spend time with you.

When you are in a position you can't avoid being in their presence, Then cross that bridge when you come to it. You seem very aware and thoughtful of how your actions could impact on him and is new partners emotions. Which is a good sign. It maybe awkward but hopefully not an unpleasant incident for anyone.

it's Ok to acknowledge to yourself the lose and hurt you feel. spend time on yourself, and give yourself time to heal.

I say you just be honest about your feelings because you can't be around him now and meet her it will just make you feel awful inside. You can't chose who you love and if he is a friend he will understand why you told him. Your not asking him to pick your saying it straight. As someone else said better to say how u feel than regret not saying something. Goodluck

I'm sorry this boat has sailed. It would be selfish to tell him now

He's smitten
He's so, so happy
It's serious

Poor guy, it would be cruel to ruin this for him

Tbh I love how you are so aware about his feelings and how you shouldn’t be interfering in his relationship.
I think it says a lot about you. In a good way.

I also think it’s not about love but about having someone you truly could rely on and have done so for years. It’s seeing that security blanket that is gone.

My take on that is that you have relied on him at the exclusion of everyone else that could have helped you too.
You need to start widening your support network again.
This doesn’t mean stopping being a friend (unless you tell him about you being in lover with him etc etc and basically putting him in an impossible situation) UNLESS this is what HE wants (aka putting some distance between you two because HE had feelings that weren’t reciprocated). It does mean being mindful about not relying on him all the time.

Maybe start by making space so he can see his girlfriend etc... as he choses to. Reduce contact gently.
Build your own network, go and see other friends more often. Etc...
And maybe also see if you can actually stand up on your two feet wo him. Sometimes when we know there is someone there to pick up the slack, it’s easier to let that happen rather than trying ourselves iyswim.

I reckon you just want what you cant have. Despite this I'd say tell him how you feel because you have lost him anyway. Id be loathe to have a boyfriend with a female "best mate" he has also slept with repeatedly.

I feel completely self-absorbed! It’s a horrible feeling. Wish I could just stop and be happy for him.

@ZenNudist exactly. I can’t see how she will be happy knowing our past and for us to still be friends going into the future. She’ll know because he is unerringly honest and wouldn’t hide any part of his life. I don’t want to become something that has a possibility of fucking this up for him.

I would give it some time to see if the initial reaction calms down. It might be a fear of losing his support and company rather than wanting him in a full relationship. See how things shake down after a bit.

But if it doesn't settle and if you genuinely think you love him and would want a relationship I would tell him. I think it would be possible to do this in such a way as not to be trying to cause trouble but being truthful with someone you care deeply about (but being aware that if gf finds out she might not be pleased with your continued friendship). You'll never forgive yourself if you missed out just cos you didn't like to ask.

I feel for you, don't judge yourself for your feelings, these things happen.

Mustard I also think it is up to HIM to decide how to conduct his relationship.

Don’t make assumption on what the girlfriend is going to feel/want/find acceptable or not. Don’t make assumption of what is the best for him (eg you not having contact with him ever again to protect his relationship). Whatever their relationship will be, this needs to be decided by them. And if being able to contact you is a non négociable thing then it is and it’s up to him to negotiate that with said girlfriend.

I would take the lead from him and think about what would work best for you (eg can you still see/talk to him regularly whilst knowing he is in a serious relationship?).

Just tell him! If he doesn't feel the same you've lost him but you've lost him already. His new girlfriend isn't going to be happy with him keeping in contact with someone he's been sleeping with etc.

If things ended suddenly between them and he was single again....would you tell him how you feel, and try to pursue a relationship with him or would you be happy going back to the way things always have been (your life line that you occasionally shag)?

Unpopular opinion here, but I think you should tell him.