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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Horrible in-laws\ difficult relationship

66 replies

mamapart · 20/06/2019 19:45

Me and my Ex/ part we have been / were together nearly 4 years. I've posted about his LOADS on here but this is just too much.
Basically we split up and I swore it was the last time. However he's been so sweet and supportive. We're not properly back together just acting like it but he wont live with us. Basically his dogs not allowed here but we can make arrangements for people to watch him until we get our own place however he won't live here no matter what. He refuses he says he's not ready and prefers to pop in everyday after work for half an hours and stays a couple of times a week. I already have a problem with the dog not being allowed here because we have to rely on his parents to deal with it. His parents who go out of the way to make my life miserable and refuse to let me stay even though he lives in an extension in the house. I can't deal with them, or the dog situation and I'm worried me and my partner are going to go back to old ways. Any advice dealing with this?

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 20/06/2019 20:32

It doesn't matter how many times you post, and whatever aspect of this toxic omni-shambles you choose to focus on, the advice will continue to be the same.

End this.

And if you feel unable to, then that is what to post about.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 20/06/2019 20:40

Ive read some of your other posts op. This man sounds horrendous and is chipping away at your mental health.
For the love of god do yourself the biggest favour and end it!

Original poster
mamapart · 20/06/2019 22:34

But he's so lovely right now? Like so lovely , very supportive and kind. I'm literally petrified (as he said it once before) that if me and him broke up he would try and custody of my little girl

OP posts:
Johngon · 20/06/2019 22:39

I assume your daughter is his? She lives with you currently and he lives with his parents? Why do you think he would get custody?

whattheactualfuckery · 20/06/2019 23:11

Sounds like he's playing you. I haven't read any of your posts, but if they're all like this, then get help. Why do you want to be with him?

Original poster
mamapart · 20/06/2019 23:15

@Johngon Yes she is, I don't know I know his family have loads of money and I have none, there a lot better of and they can use my mental health problems against me

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 20/06/2019 23:16

So he comes round for a shag and back DM’s for a cooked tea and then out for a few beers with him mates?

Sounds like a real catch

Bookworm4 · 20/06/2019 23:18

Your threads all say the same thing; he’s a shit/he’s lovely just now. Cut him loose, be a positive role model for your DD, not a needy desperado who takes anything just to have a man in her life.

Rosielily · 20/06/2019 23:23

What is it you're asking advice for? Him or the dog?

Walnutwhipster · 20/06/2019 23:26

It doesn't matter what anyone says you won't listen. He is having his cake and eating it.

HoppingPavlova · 20/06/2019 23:30

There is no incentive for anything to change on his end. He has the best of both worlds and is no doubt happy as Larry with this set up. Hoping that this would change seems ridiculous. The only way it would change is if you get rid of him. I don’t know the background but he seems like a piece of baggage that’s not that useful.

Bluerussian · 20/06/2019 23:31

Your man is still a child, despite having been with you for four years AND having a child. Don't worry, you're the mum and as long as you've done nothing wrong, you'll keep custody.

He needs to grow up and fast. Set a deadline and if things are still the same when time is up, end it. You don't deserve to be messed about in this way.

honeygirlz · 21/06/2019 04:13

his family have loads of money and I have none, there a lot better of and they can use my mental health problems against me

No they can’t, the courts aren’t that stupid. Stop using your little girl as an excuse to take him back, that’s not fair to her.

PirateWeasel · 21/06/2019 05:19

He needs to be lovely ALL the time, not just now and again. A relationship where you fall out to the point of breaking up multiple times is not normal. Your DD needs peace in her life, not constant arguments and upheaval. I can't imagine a court would give him full custody.

Original poster
mamapart · 21/06/2019 09:51

The main thing is he used to be abusive towards me but I have no proof as I deleted all pictures. I have people to back me but I don't know if that's how it works? Also he has proof of all my "I'm struggling" messages when I get anxious and stuff. I'm just so scared.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 21/06/2019 09:57

that if me and him broke up he would try and custody of my little girl
THIS tells you what kind of man he is.
We can all tell you until we are blue in the face.
Cycle of abuse!!!!
He's on the nice part now.
The nasty bit WILL follow.
You know this already.
He cannot take custody of your DD.
It's a simple as that.
No matter what he threatens.

Rosielily · 21/06/2019 11:16

What did the abusive pictures show? And why did you delete them?

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 21/06/2019 11:20

Phone shop may be able to retrieve the pics. Report him to the police if you have safety concerns. If he is a twat a judge isn't going to hand him a dc!
Money won't make him appear nice in court. Mh issues won't make you a rubbish dm either.
He is playing you op.

Get rid before your dd sees this as a normal relationship...

timeisnotaline · 21/06/2019 11:24

While he is being lovely, take his phone and delete all your messages to him. Not because they could be used to take your daughter away but because you might feel stronger about it all.
He doesn’t even live with or parent his daughter now. No amount of money can dress that up in court.

AquaPris · 21/06/2019 19:25

They're not going to give him your child unless they have very tangible proof that you need to be sectioned or are otherwise unsuitable as a mother (such as abuse or neglect). They might give 50/50 but not full. Plus they always say that but they can't be arsed with a child full time so it's an empty threat.

Stop using it as an excuse to get back with him. I'm also sure that hitler was nice to some people sometimes but it doesn't mean he ever changed or wasn't evil.

He doesn't love you, he never will, he will never change. Your daughter will learn from your example.

Do the freedom program and run.

Original poster
mamapart · 21/06/2019 19:59

Thank you so much for reply's. I am scared. Basically I love him but he's not right, his family is one of nightmares, and I'm barely going to see him anyway. So why is this so hard?

OP posts:
Original poster
mamapart · 21/06/2019 22:04

His point right now : I'm pissed off right now because his mum is refusing to help out with the dog. I got pissed off and tryed telling him , he breaks promises, lies, doesn't stick up for himself or us two against his family being assholes towards us and being unfair. He's shouting saying he's just trying to chill after work and I said but I can't deal anymore it never gets resolved , everything is just "I'll sort it" and I said no I want you to tell me right now what you're gonna do to change and he started shouting. He's now left and said because I can't leave him alone and I'm being a cunt to his family this is all my fault and he doesn't want to come back and now I'm sitting here wondering if I should have even said anything and maybe I shouldn't of kept going on and on and left him to chill after work I don't know? Also I wanna add, as he's been abusive to me and was getting aggressive right now I said he lies like his mum and is abusive like his dad who used to hit him and if he don't change he's gonna end up being the same towards our daughter (I wouldn't let that happen) and that's when he left.

OP posts:
tobedtoMNandfart · 21/06/2019 22:15

Neither the dog nor his mother are the problem here Hmm

Original poster
mamapart · 21/06/2019 22:18

@tobedtoMNandfart
The just add to it. But the problem is him not coming up with solutions or sticking up for his family, and turning down every solution I give

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 22/06/2019 07:03

If it's his dog, it's his responsibility to look after...not his mums.

That's really not the issue though. He's a nasty man using you as he sees fit.

Stop engaging with him unless it's regarding DD.

The cycle of abuse will continue and your DD will grow up thinking this is normal.

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