Horrible in-laws\ difficult relationship

[mamapart]

Me and my Ex/ part we have been / were together nearly 4 years. I've posted about his LOADS on here but this is just too much.
Basically we split up and I swore it was the last time. However he's been so sweet and supportive. We're not properly back together just acting like it but he wont live with us. Basically his dogs not allowed here but we can make arrangements for people to watch him until we get our own place however he won't live here no matter what. He refuses he says he's not ready and prefers to pop in everyday after work for half an hours and stays a couple of times a week. I already have a problem with the dog not being allowed here because we have to rely on his parents to deal with it. His parents who go out of the way to make my life miserable and refuse to let me stay even though he lives in an extension in the house. I can't deal with them, or the dog situation and I'm worried me and my partner are going to go back to old ways. Any advice dealing with this?

Oh for gods sake, just get rid of him. Life is way too short. Is this what you want to be doing in 10 years?

The problem is not so much him not doing x or him doing y. It’s him, the end.

Please stop going in circles with this guy. Please just stop seeing him. The problem isnt his mum or his dog. The problem is that he consistently treats you worse than shit.

It's hard to stop seeing him because you are anxious. Anxiety makes change seem really scary and can cause you to feel stuck even when the situation is really obviously one you need to get out of.

Are you getting help for your anxiety?

I've just read some of your other threads.

Why would you want to be with someone like this ? You know (from reading your other posts) that this is not right. You are not happy, the relationship is toxic, you sound like you are brainwashed. I've been brainwashed, I know what it is like.

You REALLY need to focus on yourself. You REALLY need to get counselling and learn your worth.

It looks like other posters have repeatedly told you to leave him. That's alot of people in agreement of the same opinion.

Your child won't be taken from you. You could get some legal advise to prove to yourself this.

If he is holding things over you like messages/ posts you have wrote, then that it's low of him, tbh I doubt he can do anything with them.

Your poor child being involved in this vile, toxic relationship.

Please go to your gp, tell them you have bad anxiety due to an abusive bf and that you need help.

Half your anxiety will likely disappear once he's out of the picture for good. Vis a vis custody, it's very unlikely he'd get it, because the status quo is that she lives with you and you are her primary carer. If you see the gp then no matter what he says about your mh you can demonstrate that you have got help and are taking control of it, that's what SW want to see. They don't mind if you're depressed or anxious as long as you are dealing with it.

Seriously, get rid of him. Phone Women's Aid and ask for help. You need support in real life.

You've asked the same question in different way every week for the last 13 weeks. You are going to get the same answer, which is obviously not the answer you want to hear.

YOU need to have a serious look at yourself and put your dd first. Above yourself and certainly after this man.

You and he are the issue here. He, because he sounds like a shit that throws you enough of a bone every now and then to keep you running. You, because you don't learn to walk away, to see his true nature.

Until one of the other change, you are both stuck dancing like this. He is manipulating you and he won't stop, only you can stop it now

Sorry to say this OP but the problem is neither him, his dog or his mum it’s YOU! You can never control how anyone else is acting you can only control what you choose to tolerate in your from others and what you CHOOSE to continue with.

I think you really need to look inside yourself and find some inner strength to move on with your life away from him. Maybe because you get anxious etc you feel you can’t survive without him that he is like a crutch then when all is ok in the relationship you then feel ok. Been there done that had to heal from the emotional scars! I was like this with my emotionally abusive ex when I had depression I felt like I needed him to keep me sane and strong but it’s was only after leaving I regained my self confidence and realised it was his abuse causing the depression.

Focus on you and your daughter or you will end up worse off for it in the end.

This is toxic and you are entertaining it. You are allowing it to happen. Think of your child not of yourself and how lovely he is.

Thank you for all the reply's. We broke up and instantly I felt bad and we were back. I just don't know how.

You are locked in an ultimately destructive dance of codependency with this individual.

You are codependent in relationships and its an emotional state that ultimately does you no favours at all. You have a choice re this man, your child does not.

Because you took him back OP. You need to look at why you felt bad ridding yourself of toxic waste and look into counselling. You need to accept responsibility here, this was your choice.

Maybe if you explain, people can point out thr coercion agajn, but i think it's better coming from a counsellor.

I've told him my reasons, it's better for our child and my mental health and he agreed but then I get scared and practically beg him back

Scared of what? Being without him or just going it alone? You saying one thing and doing another...actions speak louder than words. Of course he'll agree, he knows they are just words.

You really should try to find a counsellor tk help you.

@NauseousMum

Scared of being on my own and without him! I go counselling but it doesn't seem to help with these issues

Have you asked your counselor to support you to.stick to a breakup?

@rvby we have spoken about it but she tends not to get involved to deeply she just sorts of hints that things may not change.

What about asking her to please support you in leaving him for good? Do you think you could do that?

Your counsellor sounds shit if she's not getting involved and just hinting when ypu ask for help, unless you've never expressed a wish to leave him or see the root cause of this toxicity.

Book an appointment asap, go in saying 'i need to leave this man, he's toxic and it's hurting my family.' If she just hints, find another counsellor. I do wonder if she's just waiting for you to reach that point yourself.

I have commented on your other threads before, and I cannot believe you're still posting.

Honestly OP, I'm surprised people are overlooking what you said to this man because those words you said were vile. If he had said something like that to you, how would you feel?

The dog isn't the problem here and I'm failing to understand why you're working yourself so up about this? The dog is his responsibility and not his parent's.

He's behaved like an arsehole before, but OP you have not been any better. You are both abusive to one another and you have also been horrendous to his family before and you very well know this. That is why they keep away from you. You have caused them a lot of drama.

You continuously are going around in circles, refuse to accept your own wrong doing and refuse to let him walk away as well.

So many people here have given you advice over and over again but it's pointless it seems.

Go seek help for yourself, let him go and when the time is right you can both attempt to co-parent. You do not need to be in a relationship to do this. Your daughter is important here.

You also know why he hasn't wanted to move back in with you because of the way you treat him too so seriously, take responsibility for yourself and your actions. You are also negatively affecting your daughter, of course he is too. His family is not the problem, you both are.

You evidently are not good together, it's a toxic relationship. Go seek therapy, focus on your mental health and work through your issues.

Or, just keep doing what you're doing as I imagine you will do. But I don't blame him for living with his parent's as I would in his position too. Even if he tries, you find issues with things and then it goes back to square one. You both just do not work together.

Your priority should be your mental health and your daughter's well-being, focus on that. He can very well spend time with his daughter and see her without you two being around one another. You will have to learn to co-parent.

I know you won't listen to any advice so I look forward to another one of your threads.

Another who is very confused about the dog issue. What’s it got to do with his mother? Surely if it’s his dog she doesn’t have to look after it. It’s a basic rule in life really, you are not obliged to look after someone else’s pet. If my adult kids got a dog (or cat, or bird, or hamster, or fish) then expected me to look after it I would be utterly gobsmacked. They know this, hence none of them have done this. It would be different if they had a discussion with me up front where I agreed to take care of the pet when the went on holidays/worked late/unexpectedly hospitalised etc and then I reneged on it. Just can’t understand the outrage due to someone refusing to look after someone else’s pet?

@HoppingPavlova @OpinionatedCyborg

About the dog thing, I only put in in here because it was stressing me out at the time. She agreed to help with the dog, she agreed to help out her son. He other son had a dog who she took care of constantly but it's always one rule for one and one for another that's why i was worked up. Because she goes back on everything she says and does.

The arguments with his nan were entirely her fault and her owns sons have apologised to me on her behalf because they were embarrassed. The arguments with his mother were both of our faults. They're had been a lot leading up to that. She doesn't put any effort into seeing her grandchild and whenever our grandchild is there she is constantly moaning and clicking her fingers at her( and that riled me up on the holiday where the arguments happened). Not making excuses I know I am also at fault.

With my partner, we've just created this toxic relationship, and both really aren't good for each other and it's not good for anyone but whenever we go to break up he says stuff like "you're the only thing getting me through everyday" or "I'll just stay single forever if we break up" and it makes me feel so bad and we both just want eachother so so much. And love each other so so much, it's incredibly difficult.

I really don’t think it is a difficult situation given what you have written and I don’t even know the backstory.

but whenever we go to break up he says stuff like "you're the only thing getting me through everyday" or "I'll just stay single forever if we break up" and it makes me feel so bad

That’s ridiculous. If my DH who I have been with for nearly 30 years came out with that rubbish I’d tell him to go get therapy, get himself sorted and it’s not my problem. That’s a form of emotional blackmail you should not accept.

As I said above, I can’t see why he would change anyway. His current situation gives him the best of all worlds so he has absolutely no incentive to change it. Obviously the thought of you leaving is not enough incentive either and it doesn’t matter as he knows his emotional blackmail is working.

As for the Mum and ‘different rules’ for different kids, yes that’s a thing and is sometimes valid. I am prepared to do different things for different kids depending on our relationship at the time. Happy to put myself out for one that does likewise or is appreciative but not so keen to do the same stuff for one going through an entitled arsehole phase and they whinge they are not being treated the same but it’s a lesson in reaping what you sow.

@HoppingPavlova with my anxiety, I just struggle a lot with change. About the kid thing, my partner is never , ever disrespectful with his parents ya and I do think they take advantage of him. His brother however is an entitled a**hole who does nothing but go out and drink and shout at his mum constantly and yet he gets everything he ever desires.

There family dynamic is, the father controls the mother, the mother controls her son, my partner his brother does what he likes and my partner try's to control me.

I don’t think anything anyone says here will ever make a difference to you.

You both do not love one another, you don’t treat people you love like absolute shit. You’re both just used to one another and keep going round in circles despite it being unhealthy.

You are both toxic for one another and although he may plead for you back, you’ve pleaded for him back too.

One of you has to step away and stay away. But as aforementioned I doubt anything will ever make a difference to you.

As for his family stop getting so involved and worked up on his behalf. If he has problems with the way he is treated he can sort it out himself that’s not for you to get worked up over and create drama. You honestly do not help yourself with your actions.

You’ll keep posting here and we’ll all keep offering the same advice. Eventually no one will bother as there’s only so much one can say.

I guess I will see another thread soon enough. You both need support for your mental health, you have damaged one another a lot. Work on yourselves before anything else and make your child the priority. The environment you have made for her is awful.