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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband kissed his work colleague

79 replies

Flowerrose · 19/06/2019 17:39

My husband told me today that during a night out with his work friends last friday he kissed one of his colleagues. He said he wasn't thinking properly because he had been drinking but then I saw him when he came home that night and was a bit tipsy but far from enough to say he didn't know what he was doing. This has really taken me by surprise, I don't understand why he would do that. We have a good relationship, we've been together for 14 years, married for nearly 4, we have a 2 month old DD, I really thought he wasn't like that. But then I wonder if I'm overreacting, it was just a kiss and he feels guilty enough to have come and told me about it (though he did think about it for a few days first). It could have meant nothing but then i do wonder if it did mean something, he spends a lot of time working with this woman and they're good friends, surely you wouldn't just kiss your friend for no reason? I really don't know what to even say to him

OP posts:
awakeat3again · 19/06/2019 23:18

Omg it's awful :-(

I can't imagine how you must feel. Kissing is so so intimate and obviously it's been brewing for quite some time....

Sorry you're dealing with this - it's cruel and unfair

awakeat3again · 19/06/2019 23:21

I agree with other pp
I don't think it's the first time they've kissed, more like it's the first time someone has caught them!
I'm betting some one had seen and told him to tell you or they would.

sprouts21 · 20/06/2019 01:51

Where did this kiss happen?

BitOfFun · 20/06/2019 02:09

On the lips, hopefully.

1forAll74 · 20/06/2019 03:46

People sometimes get attracted to others in the work place, it happens all the time, it is not a crime, and I am very surprised,that some partners get into such a state about this,it's quite ridiculous.

MsDogLady · 20/06/2019 05:22

Flower, I am very sorry.

Even before your baby was born, he was sharing a mutual attraction with OW in and outside of work.

He has weak boundaries for this OW and the ego boost she provides, and he is likely minimizing the extent of their involvement. He would go nuclear if you had done this.

Find your anger and impose a sharp consequence. He needs to see what the loss of you feels like, and you need space and time.Send him away, at least for a while.

I wouldn’t stay with a man who can so easily cheat. However, if you decide to stay, he must prove remorse by completely cutting contact with OW. He also must be transparent with his phone, computer, bank statements, phone records, etc.

ItsClemFandangoCanYouHearMe · 20/06/2019 05:55

I'm actually going to echo @TwitterQueen1 here. Very sensible advice. Don't jump to anything just yet. Sorry this has happened OP Thanks

JQBased · 20/06/2019 06:08

Damage limitation - something has happened or someone else has found out and he wants to get in before the SHTF. Then he can go back to whoever and say he told you all about it, so if someone does say something the hope is you will say I know and it will be left at that. I learnt all this from experience myself! Not good.

HomeTheatreSystem · 20/06/2019 06:09

In fessing up, he's doing 2 things. One is coming clean with you so you see him as at least having the decency to be honest with you about what he's done. The second is that he's clocking your reaction to this news with a view to seeing how much further he can go with this work colleague in the future. Sorry to say but I would be very surprised if he doesn't take it further, either imminently with her or someone else at some point in the future.

If you go for counselling he's going to say he feels neglected by you and that all your attention is on the baby and that's why his attention turned to this colleague.

I don't think there's any chance of you coming out of this unscathed. You either chuck him out now and initiate divorce proceedings or work through it, maybe have another child and find out in a few years that he's gone way beyond a kiss with someone else.

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 20/06/2019 06:34

Oh dear OP, sorry you’re having to go through this Flowers

coshewasaprick · 20/06/2019 06:38

I don't think I could forgive someone for having that going on while I was pregnant, and then kissing them when we've just had a baby. Knowing I was carrying his baby while he was feeling attracted to someone else/thinking of someone else would be way too hurtful.

tealady20 · 20/06/2019 07:10

Once a cheat always a cheat. When you look back when your child is older you will always remember what he did when baba was first born! 🤬🤬 OP YOU NEED TO GET ANGRY AND MAD!! It will help cope with the pain initially don't let this bottle up ! HE DIDNT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU OR YOUR LITTLE BABY WHEN KISSING some other skank who prob knows he's married! I'm sorry to be blunt but you need to get some fight in you some respect for yourself as he's not respected anything about you. Your trust will never ever be the same again! It's not just nothing, kissing is first step. Please chuck him out while you process how much he has hurt you and your baby! Then once you get anger out you can move onto more rational thinking and decisions. How dare he.

Ginger1982 · 20/06/2019 07:31

@1forAll74 so you think it's acceptable for a married man to kiss a female colleague?

Kennehora · 20/06/2019 07:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/06/2019 09:17

I really thought I knew him
Yep - we all think this until it happens to us.
I think you need some space OP to think about this.
You can't do that with him around.
Would have move out for the weekend just so you can get your head space.
Is there anyone you can talk to.
A non-judgemental friend?
You are in shock right now but you need to make this real.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Please look after yourself.

ConfCall · 20/06/2019 10:36

Maybe he was seen on Friday. Maybe he’s led her on and she threatened to message you in a fit of pique. Maybe it was a genuine one-off about which he feels dreadful.

Only you can judge that OP. We don’t know.

I’m a bit concerned about the “yes, actually there was an attraction” dripfeed from him tbh - I wonder what else he’d be forced to admit when pressed.

I think that insisting at looking at his tech would be pointless - anything incriminating will have been erased by now. You’ll see nothing.

Don’t let him blame the stress of a newborn. Nothing wrong with him having a night out, everything wrong with what he’s done.

sprouts21 · 20/06/2019 12:12

Not many people are comfortable blatantly cheating in front of colleagues. I think it's more likely there was no work night out and he went to her house.

newmomof1 · 20/06/2019 12:59

@sprouts21 don't be that person. It's bad enough that kissed someone else.

Why would he admit they'd kissed if he was having a full blown affair and OP had no suspicions?
They clearly were on a night out with colleagues.

I've seen plenty of people openly cheat on work nights out. It's disgusting.

Rabbiting0n · 20/06/2019 13:20

This is horrible OP. I really feel for you.

First off, he needs to find somewhere else to work. It wasn't a one-off mistake. There is an "attraction", and he cannot be trusted around her. A genuinely remorseful man whose priority is his family, will leave his job (even if it's great and pays well) if his wife says it is a deal-breaker. He has betrayed you and needs to rebuild trust. His reaction to being tild he resigns or your marriage is over, will be very telling.

From there, I think you'll know whether there is more to it. Whether it is something you can get over.

Pinkmonkeybird · 20/06/2019 13:40

"People sometimes get attracted to others in the work place, it happens all the time, it is not a crime, and I am very surprised,that some partners get into such a state about this,it's quite ridiculous."

@1forAll74 REALLY?? I'm sorry but whilst attraction may occur with some colleagues, it is a different thing to act on it. I'm guessing you've been the OW or OM in your time, then? Hence why you think cheating is ok?

Pinkmonkeybird · 20/06/2019 13:45

@Flowerrose I agree with @MsDogLady (she always gets things spot on).

In my books this is unforgivable. He needs to know this isn't going to be swept under the carpet. He will more than likely do this again and see what he can get away with. I'd absolutely go ape shit.

rainbowstardrops · 20/06/2019 13:47

He kissed a work colleague and has admitted that there's an attraction between them.
I'd be telling him to move out while I think about what I want to do next.

Imnotbent · 20/06/2019 17:24

@Kennehora your poor husband

My husband is fine and judging by the reactions on here I made the correct decision for both of us.

Kennehora · 20/06/2019 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jojowash · 20/06/2019 17:49

@1forAll74

Erm.. seriously?