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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband kissed his work colleague

79 replies

Flowerrose · 19/06/2019 17:39

My husband told me today that during a night out with his work friends last friday he kissed one of his colleagues. He said he wasn't thinking properly because he had been drinking but then I saw him when he came home that night and was a bit tipsy but far from enough to say he didn't know what he was doing. This has really taken me by surprise, I don't understand why he would do that. We have a good relationship, we've been together for 14 years, married for nearly 4, we have a 2 month old DD, I really thought he wasn't like that. But then I wonder if I'm overreacting, it was just a kiss and he feels guilty enough to have come and told me about it (though he did think about it for a few days first). It could have meant nothing but then i do wonder if it did mean something, he spends a lot of time working with this woman and they're good friends, surely you wouldn't just kiss your friend for no reason? I really don't know what to even say to him

OP posts:

Chunkers · 19/06/2019 19:09

I’m with TwitterQueen here and have also kissed ‘work frogs’ well, just the one, but there was nothing in it from either side, he was more surprised than me (I initiated) no flirting before or after, just a kind of ‘WTF?’ Then forgotten (after some self mortification). If you are not in the habit of socialising with his colleagues, then it’s unlikely he told you before they did. If you are, then that’s also possibly true, but most blokes I would imagine would risk it and squirm out with excuses rather than confess. Hope it all works itself out for you positively 🐸

newmomof1 · 19/06/2019 19:11

Why was he on a night out when you have a 2 month old?
Sorry didn't realise your life stops when you have children...

OP, I'm so sorry. At least he told you before you found out from someone else.
Have you asked him how it happened? I'd want a full disclosure.
I would LTB anyway, but at least if you know there's no real emotion there you may be able to work through it...

Original poster

Flowerrose · 19/06/2019 19:11

I've met her before but only briefly. What I've gathered is they do text and chat outside of work but it seems to usually be about work.
It might be the case that someone else saw, I am wondering why he told me because I would never known if he didn't (well that's if no one saw) or maybe there is more going on but I haven't noticed anything suspicious, everything's just been normal untill now

OP posts:

TrixieFranklin · 19/06/2019 19:13

Even if you accept this was a one time mistake and try to move on from it, how are you going to feel every time he's at work with her? Knowing they're together and you have no idea what they're doing and saying or feeling?

newmomof1 · 19/06/2019 19:14

It's concerning how many people are saying they wouldn't have confessed.
This is why people have trust issues!

OKBobble · 19/06/2019 19:15

I would say if they chat and text outside of work and now kissed the very least is that they are involved in an emotional affair. Next will come the I can't tell you things, you are absorbed with the baby etc.

Worst case - an actual affair.

They are in close proximity daily. I am afraid it is not going to go away.

Ginger1982 · 19/06/2019 19:16

Well the texting and chatting outside work needs to stop for a start!

Jojowash · 19/06/2019 19:23

@Flowerrose

Hey, I'm so sorry that's happened to you.

I'm a bit worried that he's told you because someone else saw them, he's worried that it will get back to you via someone else. I would be worried that something more is going on if they are so close and spend so much time together. You don't accidentally kiss someone.

Are you able to speak to the woman? Ask her to be honest with you?

You need to have the talk with him, can you tell if he's lying? If so ask him some direct questions and watch his reaction.

Do you know anyone else that went out with them? His other work friends are you friendly with them? Are you able to ask them?

I feel sick trying to imagine what I would do and how I would feel if it was my partner. Honestly I wish you all the strength you can muster to face this.

If you forgive you will have to have some strict rules about his contact with her in future. That's definite. I would actually go as far as getting him to look for another job to save his relationship because my mind would work overtime thinking he was around her at work everyday.

He's made his bed. He's now going to have to lie it.

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 19/06/2019 19:24

What I've gathered is they do text and chat outside of work but it seems to usually be about work

And now they are kissing? So what exactly is your DH saying about all of this?

Imnotbent · 19/06/2019 19:27

I text and chat outside work and I did with the man I kissed I wasn’t having an emotional affair.

I didn’t tell my DH as it happened once and we don’t have trust issues. Im an adult he trusts my judgement to make informed decisions.

Some people may need to confess everything and sometimes the fall out far outweighs the crime.

Ginger1982 · 19/06/2019 20:08

@Imnotbent do you still chat and text him outside work?

Imnotbent · 19/06/2019 20:34

Not often now as we have both moved on from where we worked at the time, and he now lives 200 miles away, so more like the odd catch up chat or messages twice a year or something.

We still chatted, texted and socialised outside work after the kiss and for a long time after I left we kept in touch regularly when he was more local. The kiss was over 10 years ago.

TheStuffedPenguin · 19/06/2019 20:38

Bluntness has it but it was a kiss. It doesn’t constitute cheating in my book.

Read in a book that this is the biggest hurdle for them ( cheaters) to get over and once they have done that , the rest is easy .

Ginger1982 · 19/06/2019 20:49

A kiss is definitely cheating in my book!

HappyRoots · 19/06/2019 21:05

I'd struggle to get over an unfaithful kiss, especially as I'm someone who obsesses about things in the past at the best of times. But that said I don't think I'd end a relationship over it. I think it's perfectly possible that he's told you out of guilt as well and that nothing else has happened (in spite of what a poster above "read in a book" about cheaters and therefore it absolutely must be true about everyone

SandyY2K · 19/06/2019 21:20

Some people suffer from terrible guilt and have to confess. It doesn't always mean they were seen either.

Individuals are different and not everyone is able to take their dalliances to the grave.

I'd find it hard to feel safe in the relationship while he still works with her.

MsDogLady · 19/06/2019 21:59

Overreacting? If anything, you are underreacting.

In my world, kissing an OW is cheating. Your H felt entitled to betray and make a fool of you in public. I agree with others that he was seen, hence his confessing and lying that he was out of control.

There is a history behind that kiss. This is likely an emotional affair that has become physical. H and OW work closely together and interact outside of work. You haven’t seen all of their messages, have you?

Tackle this now. I would tell him to leave while I processed my thoughts. Personally, this would be a dealbreaker for me.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 19/06/2019 22:07

So many men start rutting when their partner is pregnant or has a new baby. It seems they need the sexual attention, without considering what their partner feels.

Original poster

Flowerrose · 19/06/2019 22:21

We talked it through more, I asked him to be completely honest about what exactly had happened and in shot from what he said it sounded like a spur of the moment thing but then I asked him if anything at all had ever happened prior to the kiss and he said there had been some "attraction" between them which makes it sound like a a lot more than a kiss out of the blue. I explained that I wouldn't feel comfortable with them working together and he's said he understands that. That's really hurt knowing he's pretty much admitted to being attracted to her

OP posts:

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 19/06/2019 22:26

You seem quite passive, OP - are you in shock?

joystir59 · 19/06/2019 22:33

This is a potential deal breaker OP. I bet more than a kiss happened. Did he explain why he told you?

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 19/06/2019 22:37

so how long has the attraction been going on.??

what is he going to do about continuing to work with her? Understanding you are hurt is not good enough I am afraid

Seem as if he has no self control, actions speak louder than words and when you two and your baby should be bonding and setting your family up together as a unit he's off snogging the face of some random woman he thinks he fancies

I'd go scorched earth on this...pack him off to his bloody mothers or to sofa surf and do some hard thinking, he can collect the baby for an afternoon at the weekend and mill about contemplating his future as a EOWfather and see how his urges toward a colleague measure up then.

What an asshat he is.

Original poster

Flowerrose · 19/06/2019 23:02

I'm definitely shocked and I'm terrible with conflict in general, I usually avoid it as much as I can but obviously not in this situation as I can't just act like nothing has happened. He said he didn't want to keep this from me. I have no idea what I want to do or what I want him to do honestly, everything was fine this morning, I never thought he would do something like this, I really thought I knew him

OP posts:

PocaNinja · 19/06/2019 23:10

So sorry this has happened. You don’t have to do anything yet. Take a few days, even weeks to think about what you want to do. Ask him for time while you think this over. Can you stay with family?

ShonesM · 19/06/2019 23:18

OP this resonates with me as this very situation happened to me.

My now Exh came home after a works night out and told me he’d kissed a female colleague (who also happened to be half his age!). He was so upset by the whole thing and blamed being drunk.

Whilst I found it hard to forgive I did try . I asked him several times if more happened or if they were in touch outside work. He flatly denied being in contact outside work with her and said it was just one kiss.

Fast forward 4 months and I see a message from her to him in his phone (wasn’t snooping he left his phone on the table and the message flashed up) .

Turned out they had been texting each other nearly every night since “the kids”. He lied to my face about it and swore on our DS life nothing was going on.

Despite trying to work things out for the next 6 months or so I couldn’t shake the betrayal. We had a good marriage, or so I thought, so I ended things.

I’m not saying your situation will end up the same but I would be cautious. Yes he’s admitted to something but there could be more to it or certainly more to come?

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