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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Putting dh above family

95 replies

Ruby143 · 18/06/2019 23:10

My DF died suddenly in March leaving me, db and dsis all executors of his will. DF left a v full 5 bed house, double garage crammed with tools, 4 cars. I live 5 hours away, long term illness and been driving to clear out house on 5 occasions now, normally with my DD and her DP. Dsis is disabled, can plan but not do much physically, db appointed himself in charge of finances and has done nothing else except give orders to me and dsis. DB lives in weathly area, mortgage free etc, in no hurry to sell house, still hasn't applied for probate. My DH having screaming rows at me saying I'm putting my family over him, they are using me, see me as a servant, have no respect for me. He shouts and screams like a toddler, threatening divorce if I don't start standing up for myself, wants me to take court action to remove them as executors, saying its him or my family. I've been with DH for 10 years, we get on but its always been difficult. Really not sure what to do.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 18/06/2019 23:15

He's just being silly. Aren't you going through enough as it is, what with losing your df? Probate takes a long while. It's not something that happens overnight. It could easily take six months. DH ought to be helping, not hindering.

koolaider · 18/06/2019 23:17

Tell him to shut the fuck up and roll his sleeves up and help.

peekyboo · 18/06/2019 23:17

He's really kicking you when you're down, isn't he?

It's probably true that you're pushing yourself. He might be right to be annoyed at your brother. Why does your brother get to decide the timeline?

Tell your DH to back off. If this carries on, why not stay down near your Df's house and sort it out while you're closer.

Regardless of your issues with your family and the house, I expect this isn't the first time your husband has screamed at you for things. I wonder if it is affecting you more now because it's such an emotional time. Perhaps you've been putting up with more than you realise til now.

Chocmallows · 18/06/2019 23:20

"But it's always been difficult" says a lot. If you say "no" and he walks away you may be in a better position? if yes then you say no

Original poster

Ruby143 · 18/06/2019 23:38

He has a terrible temper, shouts and screams, rants. Anything I say during an argument gets twisted so I'm always the bad guy. He's in a tearing hurry to sell the house so we can move on and buy somewhere and be happy, we are in v small rented house atm. He can't help, I work basically to pay all the bills, he does home dog boarding and daycare, we have 4 of our own dogs so its been impossible to go down together. We managed for one night for the funeral but wasn't easy.

OP posts:

Chocmallows · 18/06/2019 23:49

Can you move out and stay with family or friends?

I think if you have a break from abuse you won't go back and can have a better life.

peekyboo · 19/06/2019 00:13

Why stay with him if he's this horrible person who makes you feel so unhappy?

He's not going to magically change just by moving house.

Seeingadistance · 19/06/2019 00:19

He sounds horrible, OP. Sorry. And sorry for the loss of your DF and all the stress that is meaning for you.

Unless he's named in your DF's will, then the money from the sale of the house is not his! You, presumably, will inherit, but not him.

Could you go and live in your DF's house just now? Even for a short time to get away from your husband and his abusive behaviour?

If I were you, I'd be using the inheritance from your DF to pay for a good divorce lawyer, and a new life for myself.

TheBouguets · 19/06/2019 00:26

Was he like this before DF died?

He could be a bit impatient for the money to come through, which is not a pleasant attitude.
If you could have some time away from this situation maybe you could feel more like dealing with it and making a decision. Would it be possible for you to stay in late DF house?

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 19/06/2019 00:29

He's abusive. He's living off you. Why are you with this awful man?

EileenAlanna · 19/06/2019 00:33

If you buy a house with your inheritance I can guarantee that one thing you won't be is happy. Your H contributes nothing of substance financially in the marriage & going forward you'd be buying/paying a big deposit for a house you alone will be paying for. Is he expecting his name to be on the deeds etc? Would you be happy to have him walk off with half of it when the end comes? What you should do is take a long hard look at why you're still with this obnoxious man. You say " I've been with DH for 10 years, we get on but its always been difficult". That's no way to live your life. You deserve better.
If you're still with him when the estate is wound up put all your money from it in a separate, sole account & don't use it for any household/family purposes. That will at least give you some legal security of holding on to it in the event of a divorce.

Herocomplex · 19/06/2019 00:39

Never mind your DH or your family, how about putting yourself first? It sounds like you’ve been doing some thinking perhaps, and realising that things can change.
No one should be shouting at anyone, just don’t put up with it.
I’m sorry about your Dad xx

Time40 · 19/06/2019 00:44

Your "D" H sounds horrible. His behaviour sounds abusive. He should be helping you, not shouting and screaming at you.

As you live so far away from your DF's house, is there any chance you could go and stay for for a while? It would be a lot easier to clear the house if you could spend an extended time there. And yes - why is your DB giving you orders? It sounds as if he isn't pulling his weight either.

SandyY2K · 19/06/2019 00:54

Sorry for your loss OP. Probate isn't sorted out quickly.

Tbh, I'd be taking the opportunity to evaluate your marriage.

He doesn't work.

He wants your inheritance to buy a house.

He wants you to take them to court?

Does he know how much it costs to do this?

Why would you fall out with your family over money like this?
On what grounds would you remove them from being executors anyway?

That would simply drag it out even longer...for years.

Then he threatens divorce if you dont do it.

Well I'd tell him to go ahead. Then he can stay in the rented house and you move on without him.

He sounds like a bully and a money grabber.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 19/06/2019 00:54

He has a terrible temper, shouts and screams, rants.

Give him an ultimatum that he either starts treating you with respect or he can bugger off. If he denies his bad behaviour next time he starts shouting at you, record it on your phone. He needs to hear what he's like and realise that you're not going to put up with it any more.

Celticrose · 19/06/2019 00:59

With regard to probate you are all equal executors. Your brother cannot really appoint himself in charge. You are just as entitled to start proceedings and any authority to release funds will require all 3 signatures. At the end of the day this is between you and your siblings and your husbands role is to support you first of all with regard to your DF death and any help with regard to settling the estate. Not to abuse you. Has your brother started probate and seen a solicitor. If a large estate it may take a while and then house has to be put on the market and may not sell for a while. It is only 3 months and your husband is being totally unreasonable. That money will not be available for a while but he is really showing his true colours. When it is finally settled do not put that money into a joint account.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/06/2019 01:02

I'd be seeing a lawyer and getting rid of him before you get the money if it's possible.

Shouting and ranting while you're grieving? What an arsehole.

SandyY2K · 19/06/2019 01:02

As you're equal executors, can you apply for probate?

Tell your DB it's taking a toll on you doing the long drive and all the physical work has been left to you.

Your dad left it as the 3 of you so the decisions should be agreed by all 3 of you.

Your DB is sounding like a bit of a dictator....you've got 2 not so great men in your life there.

Alternatively...another idea is to cost your trips down there ... including the time for the clearing out and tell your siblings you need to hire some help.

What stops your DB helping with the clearing out?

It's not fair that you do all the physical work.

AgentJohnson · 19/06/2019 04:02

He's in a tearing hurry to sell the house so we can move on and buy somewhere and be happy,

Happiness is not his goal, get his hands on your inheritance is. This is an opportunity to get away from an abusive man, who suddenly won’t be less abusive when he gets what he wants.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 19/06/2019 05:13

Good luck with him being in a tearing hurry to buy a house! My FIL died almost two years ago and we are only getting our inheritance sorted out now, and it was a relatively simple will. Probate is a long and slow process.

Palaver1 · 19/06/2019 06:12

Can you see the warning signs

coconutt · 19/06/2019 06:38

Actually op I see this as the first time your dh has been threatened with the possibility of you being able to leave him and be happy.

If you can get away with it I’d start divorce ASAP and live happily alone. With your dogs maybe. But I agree with pp.He wants your inheritance and want you to hurry up and get it ‘or else’ or else what? If he threatens divorce again tell him you’ll sign whatever papers he needs you to.
Or if you’re afraid you know you need to leave.

MrMagooooo · 19/06/2019 07:14

He's having a tantrum and it sounds like he has a lot of them too??

barryfromclareisfit · 19/06/2019 07:16

He thinks he’s losing control of you, just as you might be coming into some money.

7yo7yo · 19/06/2019 07:17

Fucking hell.
Can’t you see the abuse op?
Start divorce proceedings, that way your inheritance should be protected.
Is your DD his?
Take your time sorting the house out.
Please get RL support and leave.

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