Putting dh above family

[Ruby143]

My DF died suddenly in March leaving me, db and dsis all executors of his will. DF left a v full 5 bed house, double garage crammed with tools, 4 cars. I live 5 hours away, long term illness and been driving to clear out house on 5 occasions now, normally with my DD and her DP. Dsis is disabled, can plan but not do much physically, db appointed himself in charge of finances and has done nothing else except give orders to me and dsis. DB lives in weathly area, mortgage free etc, in no hurry to sell house, still hasn't applied for probate. My DH having screaming rows at me saying I'm putting my family over him, they are using me, see me as a servant, have no respect for me. He shouts and screams like a toddler, threatening divorce if I don't start standing up for myself, wants me to take court action to remove them as executors, saying its him or my family. I've been with DH for 10 years, we get on but its always been difficult. Really not sure what to do.

Divorces take time so things are not going to happen overnight.

Everything will be decided on when the time comes and if you can’t decide between yourself then a judge decides for you.

If you need to stay around for the pups if they are imminent then at least see a solicitor now to see what your options are and to see if you can ring fence any inheritance you receive when you start divorce proceedings

You never know the inheritance might end up coming after you are divorced.

Everything moves very slowly with inheritances and even when things are decided you still have to sell the house.

All I know for certain is you must not even contemplate buying a property with your husband as he stands atm.

If you want to have any chance of protecting your inheritance from your husband, leave him before the cash comes through. A friend of mine saw her (obnoxious) ex walk off with a chunk of the money she had inherited from her father. It's not as though he could argue that he needed it for the sake of the DC as he was useless in that regard - barely sees them.

It’s telling that you’re putting the needs of dogs and puppies above yourself.

Today we are talking again with an atmosphere. He re-iterated calmly why I should stand up to DB and DSis, I didn't really comment or argue back just left to go to post office. I don't want to get into another argument that standing up to him will cause. Will check re legal position. He's going on about being stuck in the small house all summer rammed with dogs but most were booked months ago and it wasn't an issue last year or year before. I feel sick but quite calm. I think he is trying another tack to get talk me round when the shouting didn't work. DD isn't his, he moved in when she was about 15, she doesn't like him. She's 24 now, didn't come back after uni, partly due to him. Funnily enough things are fine when its just the two of us, any outside influences, phone calls from family etc he has to get involved and start bad mouthing them

Wow - you put this asshole above your DD!?
I'm not surprised she doesn't like him.
Seems she is very good judge of character.
I could never be with anyone my DD doesn't like.

What struck me was 'it's me or your brother'.

What if it was neither of them? You could put yourself first. You seem to have a dynamic where male figures demand and you do what they say.

The inheritance money isn't his and he can't keep threatening to leave if he doesn't actually go, it's a pathetic threat.

And your brother can't appoint himself top executor unless you and your sister let him. What would happen if you and your sister downed tools and said it was too much and you wanted house clearers in?

he'll be angry I've left him in the lurch with the dogs

Let him be angry, you wouldn't have left him in the lurch anyway if it's his own ultimatum.
I think divorce before you get the money would be wise if anything - so the longer your brother can make it take the better.

Funnily enough things are fine when its just the two of us, any outside influences, phone calls from family etc he has to get involved and start bad mouthing them

Classic abusive and controlling behaviour - causing drama to isolate you from family and friends.

Your DF death and your DH subsequent appalling behaviour should be a wake up call.

Sit still and listen to your gut - are you happy with this man - if not move on.

Re-building your relationship with your DD should be your priority - she needs you.

Looking ahead your DH will also prevent and disrupt any relationship you and your DD may want to build with any grandchildren down the line - is that a future you want?

Get some advice on the inheritance money - 1/2 of it only becomes his when you separate - you can do what you want with it before then - during probate you can ask your DS and DB to agree with you to give it to your DD ?

People are making lots of points you're not answering.

Why did you move him in when your daughter didn't like him?

Why did you move him in when your daughter didn't like him?

They got on fine to start with, it was only later when she had to make choices for gcses and ALevels that he got very annoyed that she wasn't making sensible decisions and then not doing coursework etc. Added to normal teenage attitude and also having mild AS diagnosis.

You're justifying bus behaviour again. I'll be surprised if you have a good relationship with your daughter in the years to come if you stay with this man.

You've basically said that she got on ok with him until she made choices he didn't agree with, that she had attitude and because she's on the spectrum, that affected their relationship.

If she is on the spectrum that should make him more careful and sympathetic towards her but the way you've phrased it it's like you're blaming her ASD behaviour for their relationship not going well.

Have spoken to Dsis and she has read the thread and agrees with everyone. She lives closer to DF house and is arranging quotes from cleaners, house clearance etc. Pre DF dying wasn't in contact with Dsis and only heard from DB on birthdays etc so DH says they don't care about me and will try and shaft me over the inheritance. Dsis confirms not the case, both her and DB met DH and worried, may be able to sort out safeguarding my share with probate solicitor.

If she is on the spectrum that should make him more careful and sympathetic towards her but the way you've phrased it it's like you're blaming her ASD behaviour for their relationship not going well.

Yes, I think at the time I put it down to AS and hormones although being a single parent I had felt at the time that she would have been resistant to any man. Looking back I know I let her down at the time for not tossing him out at the first warning signs

Op I am a divorce solicitor.

You can't safeguard your share whilst staying g with this man.

Inheritance is a non matrimonial asset, and therefore generally unlikely to be available for the divorce court to "share" with him, however, the longer you are together post inheritance the muddier it gets, and the minute you use the money for your joint benefit, like a house to live in together, the harder it gets to claw it back.

One very clear option. Divorce now. Right away. No waiting for puppy money or whatever the next distraction is, just get it started, and keep on till it's done.

Or stay, if you like being bullied. I'm sure he has plenty more of that for you.

You don't seem to have the appetite for leaving. You just want things to calm down.

If you don't reclaim your life now, he'll wait, use all the money and things will be far worse when you do divorce as then you'll have nothing.

I know these are harsh things to say but you seem to be sleep walking into more suffering. Tiredness and grief have left you open to his manipulation and cruelty. Try to step back and think clearly.

Imagine instead what you and your daughter could do with that money, vs what your husband plans for himself.

Poor pet .... she really needs you. Bin that nasty fucker off and reconnect with your DD.

It’s brill that your getting RL help op.
Leave this fucker.
Live and enjoy your life.

Update! Walked out on 28/06/19 saying I wasn't staying to listen and was going to DF house after he tried to start another horrible rant. Took leave from work and been staying with dsis, he doesn't know address. Signed contract for new place miles away but still accessible for work and moving in 13th July. Seeing solicitor next week with dsis about will and divorce etc. Family being amazing.

Still need to go and get rest of my stuff and my dog. Police won't attend unless he kicks off and I ring 999. Dsis has burly mates but can't help until weekend after next.

'D'H in denial that I've left, texts and emails as if I'm coming back. Have researched and discovered he's probably a narcissist! Expecting him to kick off majorly once I tell him its over which is why I need someone with me when I get my stuff.

Another complication is our current landlord served no fault eviction to move out end Aug. I paid last Nov for 12month tenancy, we have been there over 5 years. He said we should squat and wait for them to take us to court. WIBU to give months notice and leave him to it telling landlord to contact him? Tenancy in my name but gave his name when I paid for the 12 month and he thinks that made him a joint tenant.

Congrats OP!

Unless he signed a tenancy agreement with his name specifically on it then he's no legal right to stay in the house full stop!

Did the landlord say why he was evicting? Whilst a section 21 is technically no fault there's usually an underlying reason and he used section 21 as it is much quicker. A court should grant possession in less than 6 weeks usually.

I say this as you'll need a landlord reference if you're planning to rent again.

Treacletoots, have rung landlord, right person wasn't in and promised to ring me back. Have rented now from private landlord via openrent who luckily accepted payslips p60, passport scan etc instead of referencing.

Wow - really impressed. You sound energised! I hope that you can see it through - be ready for any of his antics. How is your DD doing ?

DD is good, lots of contact, although she has just split with her DP. They are still friends and v amicable She has just rented a flat near work

Congratulations, 13 July will be the start of your new life !

I’d see if your DSis and DB would mind you moving into your DF’s house for a bit. Then you could clear it out and get away from your horrible partner. Then when everything’s sorted about the house you can buy yourself a nice place on your own.