Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Putting dh above family

95 replies

Ruby143 · 18/06/2019 23:10

My DF died suddenly in March leaving me, db and dsis all executors of his will. DF left a v full 5 bed house, double garage crammed with tools, 4 cars. I live 5 hours away, long term illness and been driving to clear out house on 5 occasions now, normally with my DD and her DP. Dsis is disabled, can plan but not do much physically, db appointed himself in charge of finances and has done nothing else except give orders to me and dsis. DB lives in weathly area, mortgage free etc, in no hurry to sell house, still hasn't applied for probate. My DH having screaming rows at me saying I'm putting my family over him, they are using me, see me as a servant, have no respect for me. He shouts and screams like a toddler, threatening divorce if I don't start standing up for myself, wants me to take court action to remove them as executors, saying its him or my family. I've been with DH for 10 years, we get on but its always been difficult. Really not sure what to do.

OP posts:

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 19/06/2019 07:20

I'd be seeing a lawyer and getting rid of him before you get the money if it's possible

Definitely this.

NabooThatsWho · 19/06/2019 07:22

‘I'd be seeing a lawyer and getting rid of him before you get the money if it's possible’

I agree.

saraclara · 19/06/2019 07:26

You're married, so your inheritance becomes his too.
It may already be too late, but I'd be getting out of this marriage right now. He sounds awful.

notapizzaeater · 19/06/2019 07:27

He's abusive.

It's your DF that's died and he's shouting and ranting at you to get the money 💰- I'd be leaving him.

IHeartArya · 19/06/2019 07:30

He’s not very supportive is he? Was he when your df died? Doesn’t sound like it.

MrsBertBibby · 19/06/2019 07:32

Never mind getting your father's affairs sorted, you need a divorce. What on earth is there for you in this situation?

Your inheritance from your late father is not a matrimonial asset, but it will be if you start using it for your joint benefit. Get this horrible man out of your life.

Benes · 19/06/2019 07:33

I've been with DH for 10 years, we get on but its always been difficult

It should be so much better than this OP.

I wouldn't be buying a house with him.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 19/06/2019 07:37

Is that really your relationship goal? Getting on but it being difficult? You deserve so much more than a man who shouts and screams at you when you're grieving for your father.

user1493413286 · 19/06/2019 07:45

Screaming and shouting at you? Threatening divorce? No, no and no. Your family may not be pulling their weight but equally he has no respect for you.
Your dad only died in March; does he not have any consideration for you grieving.
It sounds like he is motivated my the money so I’d think very carefully about how you want to progress with your inheritance.

Aussiebean · 19/06/2019 08:25

There is a little irony there where he is yelling and screaming at you but at the same time telling you to stand up for yourself.

Bet it hasn’t entered his head that you could stand up to him as well

hellsbellsmelons · 19/06/2019 08:40

Why are you still with your DH?
He sounds horrendous.
You are grieving.
My DSis died in April last year.
We got the probate sorted only a month ago.
It all takes time.
Her property still isn't sold.
It's horrible when family make family executors.
It's horrible to deal with.
But your DB does not get to take over.
Have a family meeting and put a plan together.
And get rid of your vile abusive DH.

Original poster

Ruby143 · 19/06/2019 17:42

Thanks all, the last thing he said to me last night was it's me or your brother, its that simple. I ignored him and went to bed. Didn't say a word to him this morning, now sat outside work worrying about going home in case he starts again and wants an answer. So if I stand up to him his trump card is that he'll leave, divorce me. I really want to say go on then call his bluff but then everything will be a nightmare, what happens about the house (rented) dogs (one of ours is due puppies any day) and he will make everything as difficult and awful as possible. I like the idea of going somewhere else for a few days to clear my head but I have work and with pregnant dog its not going to be easy. I can stay in DF's house or with dsis who I have told everything to last night but they are hours away and then he'll be angry I've left him in the lurch with the dogs. I don't know what to do for the best. If all this had happened after the pups were gone it would be easier. I was counting on some of the puppy money to clear my credit cards. I'm so anxious.

OP posts:

DonPablo · 19/06/2019 17:46

It sounds like he's good with dogs... So let him deal with the puppies. Go and stay at your dad's. Let's him divorce you. Spend your inheritance on a nice home just for you.

You're worth more than this. So much more.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/06/2019 17:57

threatening divorce if I don't start standing up for myself, wants me to take court action to remove them as executors, saying its him or my family

Win win then. I would be telling him he needs to be gone and you will be starting divorce proceedings.

He's in a tearing hurry to sell the house so we can move on and buy somewhere and be happy

I bet he is because he can’t stand you and if you divorce now before everything is settled he probably won’t get much but if you buy a house with the inheritance and his name is on the deeds he will be able to walk away with 50%.

Whatever house you buy will only be temporary as you will need to sell it to give him 1/2.

Wonder what his reaction would be if you bought the house in your name and ring fenced it from a divorce.

Happiness is a feeling.

Throwing money at it isn’t going to suddenly make you happy.
If you could then all millionaires would be really happy people and poorer people would be all miserable.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/06/2019 18:05

I would be hot footing it to a solicitors office if I were you. Your husband is horrid.

another20 · 19/06/2019 18:08

You poor love. Grief is so hard and these are v early days for you. Your ‘D’H should be supporting, cherishing and stepping up big time in your hour of need. Otherwise what is the point.

He is bullying you to get his hands on your cash. Life is short - you need to take some time to decide if you want more of this horror story.

I would take some time out from work and go and live at your Dads or your sisters for a month. Don’t bother trying to understand or reconcile with this dreadful man. Have a rest, grieve in peace and fantasise about a life without this thug in it.

Don’t worry about the puppies - he will cope - block him to stop him harassing and hounding you.

thethoughtfox · 19/06/2019 19:01

Find out if you split up now, before you receive the money, if your 'D'H is entitled to any...

Newmumma83 · 19/06/2019 19:11

I would chat to your brother and sister ( not because your husband said to) but to better re distribute the tasks

I would suggest sister is head of finance and that you and brother ( and any adult kids he has ) use muscle to clean out the house, as a 5 bedroom house is too much for just you and daughter and their partner.

Or he find finances for a clean squad.

Regards to husband ... tell him that his time is not helpful and he needs to stop telling you what to do, you have no intention of falling out with family over money as many family’s do, and it’s a stressful time so either get behind me and support me as husbands should do rather than make your life harder or stay quiet or leave as other than having to cook his own dinner all he is currently contributing is added stress and a headache.

Newmumma83 · 19/06/2019 19:13

Tone not time sorry x

Oh and if he twists something on you reply no you ... and repeat back what he said

My friend taught me that one it works wonders ( my husband has been known to try that one with me had me twisted in knots until I learnt to
Twist it back on him after about a month he gave up year and a half twisting free now 😂😂) x

SandyY2K · 19/06/2019 21:56

I'd stick to putting things in writing with him.

Tell him you will not be taking your siblings to court to remove them as executors against your late DFs wishes and if he had an issue with that, then he should do whatever he feels is best for him. Be firm in telling him you aren't going to fall out with your siblings over this on his say so.

Tell him you feel very unsupported when he shouts at you and gets in a temper about it.

Merryoldgoat · 19/06/2019 23:19

Your husband is an abusive wanker.

Nothing you’ve said is reason to stay. It doesn’t sound like he brings anything to your life except turmoil.

If you tell him to fuck off now you can be free by the weekend.

Ilovetolurk · 20/06/2019 06:30

I feel for you OP your pets make it hard to leave. In your place I would

Let the houseclearing and probate slow down it’s not a great time for selling now

Take legal advice on how to protect the inheritance from your DH on divorce. Again probably best everything is slowed down

Have the pups (not you personally ) and clear your credit card

See a counsellor about your feelings and to get some coping techniques for the bullying

Then when you’re ready leave

IHeartArya · 20/06/2019 07:33

I’ve been thinking about you OP. How supportive are your Dsis & dB? Would you be able to confide in them? I’d also seriously consider seeking legal advice as to any share of inheritance your husband may or not be able to claim. There’s quite a few knowledgeable people on the legal boards on mn who may be able to help initially.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 20/06/2019 07:54

So if I stand up to him his trump card is that he'll leave, divorce me.

It’s not much of a trump card because him leaving will make your life better. Plus he wants your inheritance - if he leaves he probably won’t get a penny of it.

Original poster

Ruby143 · 20/06/2019 08:45

So last night was silent treatment again, he came to bed about 5am and told me pups were born, 2 live 2 stillborn, normally I do all the birth stuff but I didn't know she was in labour as he'd not told me and kept her upstairs with him all night. Asked if he wanted me to sit with her, no she'll probably be fine now. He lay awake for about 30mins then went back in with her still there now. I would normally take day off now to look after her and rest of daycare and boarding dogs so he can sleep.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4