Do abusive men become non abusive for a different woman?

[Frizzbeol]

Does anyone have experience of abusive ex's changing when they find a new partner at a later stage in life? I'm in counselling with Women's Aid after a long relationship with somebody who was, to me at least, pretty abusive. We had two children together who he didn't put first to put it mildly. I've found out he's girlfriend of not even a year is pregnant and it's got me again questioning whether it was all somehow my fault. He's said that he's grown up but somebody capable of that level of nastiness surely must be made that way. Do they ever change? He's said he's grown up but he really was horrible.

There is a reason for Clare’s Law, it gets used because those who commit abuse in relationships are likely to do so again. the fault lies with the person that is abusive not the victim

I think they're rotten to the core and always will be. They may get better at hiding it though.

They adapt their tactics to the victim.

The abuser doesn't change. The tactics change.

It's not your fault.
Just because his new relationship seems all rainbows and unicorns doesn't mean it is. When I was in an abusive relationship, everyone kept telling me how lucky I was to be with XP, and what a great bloke he was (which added to head-fuckery I was going through).
I don't think that being abusive is something that you "grow out of" and unless he has had councelling and worked on himself, the abuse is likely to rear it's ugly head at some point.

Just give it time....

Is there anything to suggest that he isn't abusing her too? Lots of abusers impregnate their partners, to try to make it harder for them to leave.
Do you have any reason to believe a word he says?

I meant, a leopard doesn’t change its spots... give it time and the abusive behaviour will begin again

No they don't.

My ex was horrendous and spent 18 months in jail for his final assault on me...we have 2 sons...Hes been with a new partner nearly 7 years...2 children with her & not a peep of abuse...(obviously i know it can be hidden) but my children spend weekends there (as approved 8 years ago by s.services after risk assessment was met ect) and they all seem very happy.She & he do things he never allowed me to do...They go on holidays...she wears Make up...she drives & works...Has freinds & goes out while he has their children (all things he never allowed me to do) maybe prison and nearly loosing his sons was his wake up call...Who knows...But I think it's possible. As confusing as that is...But I beleive some traits and inner insecurities of men like these will always remain in some way.However well hidden.

No matter what you may see or hear, unfortunately I bet he is a total shit to her as he was to you. It might be all nicey nice for a while whilst he is masking it but eventually his true colours will show, they always do

I think they place a value on all women / victims. Ie if the woman has her own job, place, car they will know that they cannot get away with being as abusive to her as they could if she had no independence. But obviously they would try to reduce her independence a bit at a time as they went along.
my x is (I believe - but ???) less abusive to his current partner for the following reasons, he sees now that even as desperate and as broke and as dependent and unemployed and in debt with no car or licence as I was , I STILL left him. So his new GF has no kids and her own job so yes i believe he is less abusive to her. FAR less.

I do think that certain combinations of people can be bad for each other but then go on to be happy with other people, lots of people go on to have happy successful 2nd marriages but
I assume he wasn’t abusive to you right from the very beginning, you then had children with him so I’m guessing he is still on the wooing stage with her and sooner or later he will show his true colours - probably once she has had the baby and her attention isn’t focused totally on him!

I was married to my first husband for 7 years. It was all fine, just didn't work out, married too young etc. Parted amicably.
He married his 2nd wife and within 3 months was knocking her about, belittling her in public, controlling her every move.
There was never one hint of that kind of behaviour with me.

Hmmmm maybe. But I think it would depend on just how abusive this person has been in the past. If it's just some abusive behaviours that are more low-level, I could kind of see it. Some abusers are just out and out evil so I think they'd definitely abuse whoever they are with.

I do certainly think that some people could bring out the worst in another person. And I do believe that abusers know (through testing) what their victims will put up with.

So long and short, I think it's possible he is displaying some abusive behaviours with the new woman, maybe just not to the degree that you had to suffer.

I think they are abusive in different degrees. My ex was abusive and quite frightening but I was super calm and quiet so he steamrollered me. With prior exes who were more argumentative than me, the police had gotten involved. He now has a new partner who is besotted so I presume he is on best behaviour with her but I think as a PP said, the truth does come out.

I seriously doubt an abuser can resist abusing each and every partner. More likely is that the "non-abused" partner may have been abused but not recognised what occurred as abuse.

I'm always amazed by what many women consider a normal and non-abusive relationship (myself included ... prevously), so this wouldn't surprise me in the least.

Mine picked up right where he left off and became worse. He was with his second wife for longer than he was with me, so I assumed he must have changed for the better, but it turned out that I couldn't have been more wrong.

Thank you for responding. I am struggling I have to say 6 months down the line, mourning the life I should have had for all those years, rather than the one I got because of him. Particularly if he is having that life with someone else. We are talking a long, long time- so difficult.

No. In fact the abuse usually gets worse but the OW usually tries to hide it because she’s ashamed of the OW label.

No, they don’t. Sadly her time will come too.

I don’t know. My ex was dreadful to me for many years but he has a new GF now and they seem very happy. I do wonder sometimes if it was just me.

They don't change, it wasn't your fault and unfortunately he will probably go on to do the same again.I feel really sorry for his new GF.

Occasionally this does happen yes. I think some people just have very strong boundaries and zero tolerance for any controlling bullshit and will nip it in the bud firmly from the off. I have seen this play out both personally and professionally.

DASPS (domestic abuse serial perpetrators) are probably more common overall though.

My ex who was very abusive to me has remarried and there don't seem to be the same problems. He does continue to abuse me by email even after 14 years!! Perhaps that's enough for him.

I worked for Women's Aid for many years, and I spent some of those years running the Freedom Programme for perpetrators of domestic violence.

I worked with a lot of men who had abused their loved ones.

Some of the perpetrators I worked with will never change.

In a few cases, having stayed in touch with our organisation for years afterward, I truly believe they did learn to understand the cycle of power and control, work through their reasons for abusing the people in their lives, and change for the better.

But what led them to change was NEVER the partner they were with.

Whether or not your ex is abusive to his new partner, what you went through in your relationship with him was not your fault.

Congratulations for separating from him, and for getting the support you needed and deserve. Brave move, OP. Strong move, for you and for your kids. Sending you huge amounts of love.