Do abusive men become non abusive for a different woman?

[Frizzbeol]

Does anyone have experience of abusive ex's changing when they find a new partner at a later stage in life? I'm in counselling with Women's Aid after a long relationship with somebody who was, to me at least, pretty abusive. We had two children together who he didn't put first to put it mildly. I've found out he's girlfriend of not even a year is pregnant and it's got me again questioning whether it was all somehow my fault. He's said that he's grown up but somebody capable of that level of nastiness surely must be made that way. Do they ever change? He's said he's grown up but he really was horrible.

Slightly different, but I had a bullying, abusive manager. She was absolutely fine with me for the first few years, though her anger management issues were well known in the company. However then I became seriously ill, and obviously vulnerable. Her behaviour towards me became abusive overnight.

I can only assume that as a confident person with strong boundaries, she didn't feel she could mess with me, and once I was vulnerable she could. In fact I felt there was an element almost of enjoyment in 'kicking' a weaker person.

But I should have added, it wasn't your fault. That behaviour or inclination was always there. And anyway sounds like he and new DP are in the honeymoon phase. A lot of abuse starts once the woman is pregnant or has the child. His new partner unfortunately probably has it all coming.

I would say it was possible but overall I think abusers don't change.

My ex was a bastard to me. He abused me mentally, emotionally and sexually for years. After the second time he cheated on me, I kicked him out. He went off with the OW. I convinced myself he'd changed for her. I thought they had a perfect life and I figured I must have done something to deserve it. I blamed myself for a long time.

They've since split up and it turns out he was just as bad to her as he was with me. She just put up with it a lot longer than I did.

I think some people just have very strong boundaries and zero tolerance for any controlling bullshit and will nip it in the bud firmly from the off.

This.

I have a family member (in-law) who was an absolute shit to their ex, however it was clear from the start with the new partner that the previous behaviour would absolutely not be tolerated.

They seem happy 5 years later, and if anything the ‘zero tolerance’ has made my family member even more smitten, and it’s the new partner who “wears the trousers” in the relationship, for want of a better phrase.

No. Some women don’t tolerate abuse and this can sometimes prevent an inherently abusive man from being abusive to that particular woman (although abusive usually aren’t interested in those kinds of partners anyway). But a lack of actions of abuse doesn’t mean that a person isn’t an abusive character. It would take a lot more than a new relationship to change an abusive person.

My ex was abusive to his previous gfs, he tried really hard not to be abusive to me but failed and that's why he's an ex. It broke his heart when we split up, begged and begged to be given another chance, he held a torch for me for years. He has abused every subsequent relationships, one he married. He's now married again, I have no idea whether he's been abusive this time, outwardly they appear very solid and happy... I hope for her sake it's the same behind closed doors.

My ex was abusive to the mother of his child. Extremely violent and nasty according to her. He never laid a finger on me and I doubted her when I was in a relationship with him.

However since we have split up I look back and can see the controlling behaviours and his behaviour towards me since we split has been terrible but still not physically violent.

I now believe her and even if half of what she said is true it's bad enough.

I often wonder if it's just because he knew the second he laid a finger on me he would have been gone but the manipulation and gaslighting he got away with because I just didn't see it.

I wish to god I had listened to her.

I think people change through out the course of their lives.
I'm certainly not the same person I was as a teenager or even 5 years ago.
People abuse for different reasons, some are mentally ill and others enjoy the control and power.
I don't treat my husband the same as the man I was with before him. He brings out a side of me I didn't have before. A good side lol.

He's got her pregnant (trapped) while she's still in the honeymoon phase which is quite a big red flag in my book.

This is also an extremely good and eye opening read imo. www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/what-keeps-you-up-a-night-pondering-whether-theyre-a-better-person-in-a-better-relationship-without-you/

If you have kids together, it would be a good thing long term if he did somehow become non abusive, for their sakes. It does not mean that he would be a nice partner to you. It might be that you'd always be unhappy together simply because of the history. In reality though he's probably going to be the same abusive Bastard again and again :(

All these stories of abusive men who found a "strong" woman who "didn't put up with it", so he stopped abusing. 🤣

Look, as soon as he can't be arsed with her anymore, or she becomes vulnerable in ANY way (job loss, pregnancy etc), he'll start in on her like a hungry dog on steak.

That's precisely why abuse is known to start/worsen ar life events - engagement, moving in, marriage, pregnancy, birth, illness etc. Abusers choose to abuse people with some sort of vulnerability which can be exploited for their own entertainment or scapegoating requirements.

Just because New-Woman has a "changed man" on her hands now, doesn't mean he'll stay "changed" when she is less able to leave him.

They blame ex, say their "issues" are due to ex/, previous relationship .. gets them loads of leeway with new woman ('oh he's just got all these issues because of her") who tries to prove she's not like the ex ... Not realising it's mostly lies or twisting the truth, and he's the problem.

They get a lot of time and leeway out of that.

my ex was a controlling emotionally abusive twat. From everything I can gather he’s exactly the same with his current DP. I don’t know if he’s been violent towards her yet though, it only took a year with me. . I hope not.

I was together with a man who was sometimes arsey, and became arsier as time went by, which is when I called it a day.

His ex asked me, when she heard, if he’d ever hit me. Turns out he had been violent to her. He’d never lifted a hand to me, but I’d not been with him as long, had never lived with him and had never been dependent on him in any way. Who knows, if it had gone on longer, I might have been on the receiving end too.

His behaviour after we broke up, and when I got together with someone else two years later, left me in no doubt that he was abusive and I was well shot of him.

An ex of mine told me his ex gf was insecure, jealous, paranoid etc.

I gave him lots of leeway because I thought he'd been conditioned into a controlling type of relationship.

Maybe she was all those things; but he also happened to be the most insecure, jealous, possessive, controlling man I've ever tried to have a relationship with.

I'm a strong woman who was abused, hilarious to think I was just being weak somehow, it's because I was strong that he felt the need to exert power, my confidence intimidated him. People saying it's because the woman was weak are hilarious, sometimes it's the opposite, weak are supposedly more easily manipulated so no reason to abuse those. There's as many reasons as there are people and it's never the victims fault.

Oh and I know manipulation is abuse.

Only if they meet a bigger bully than them who can put them in their place. Most wont go for that type though.

My partners ex is like it and my partner went through the same feelings thinking she and the OM were now playing happy families with his kids and it was all rainbows and sunshine and he must've been the problem after all. (We met quite soon after our relationships had ended. Didnt commit until over a year after tho).

They had a baby quickly too. I did tell him for a long time itd all come full circle. That OM was experiencing the same fast paced rush of love bombing and idealising that hed gone through and been drawn to.

Nowadays he looks miserable as sin. A few people have commented on it and my partner has said a couple of times "that's how I used to look/sit/avoid people in public" which the guy didnt do before (my own ex has actually known OM since childhood too so it's not normal for him).

You'll notice things in her that will be similar to you as time goes on. Dont let the thoughts about it being you take over. It's just your brains way of processing some things. You were never the problem x

I agree with @Herefortheduration. My personal experience is no abusers don't change - they carry on abusing in different relationships and it's nothing whatsoever to do with them bullying a weaker partner. Thats a complete self-perpetuating myth. Peddled by people like my strongly Irish Catholic elderly relative. It requires a hell of a lot of toughness just to survive in a abusive relationship.

@my3boys9910 He probably got a lot of help in prison for his issues. Contrary to popular belief there is a lot of support in at least some prisons. A guy I know did 14 years for an international drugs running scheme in which he made millions and cost the government several million pounds tracking them all down. He went to prison twice (two 7 year sentences) and the second time round he did every single course available to him, he has filed inches thick of the certificates and courses he did inside kicked all his drug habits and has come out got a normal job and now has a long term partner and a baby and a normal life. I think theres some proceeds of crime stuff he has to deal with but that's about it.

Thanks again and sorry so many of us have come across these types. I think the new woman is more suited to him or so it would seem. With him, he always felt the need to 'win' through physical or verbal aggression. I think with this one he feels more equal. But it wasn't just me, the kids were subjected to the nastiness as well.

No, OP, I don't believe abusers can change fundamentally. It sounds as if it's still early days for him and his new partner. Once the baby is here and he no longer has all her attention I suspect things won't be so rosy, at least behind closed doors.
Also, it's completely normal to second guess yourself at this point and think it must have been you but it wasn't. Well done for getting out, stay strong and know it was never your fault.

@Frizzbeol abuse commonly starts after the birth of a child or during pregnancy . Your ex partner will soon return to form sadly. Abusers tend to be very good at pretending to be normal ....... almost charming in the initial dormant phase .

Yes. Abusers can change. However, this only happens when the abuser acknowledges that’s what they are. It only happens when they actually want to change and when they take appropriate action to change. It takes intensive reflection and work on themselves. Some abusers can with help move on and become decent people again.

This outcome sadly isn’t very common though and it’s far more likely that an abuser will continue to abuse. With one person they may have been physical and with another it may be verbal or emotional, so not necessarily the same. They are also likely to appear quite charming to others, hiding their true nature and isolating their victim further.

You are better off without this guy and wouldn’t give him another thought. It was him and not you.

I don't think you can ever know what's going on behind closed doors.

These men you think are in a happy relationship...may not be from the new GFs perspective.

I'm sure outsiders thought you had a good relationship with them, but that wasn't the case.

Some abusers can change. Some will abuse if they're in a position of power...earning the money, owns the house etc.

There are lots of factors. If you have a close involved family abuse could be less likely...because he knows your family will always be around and isolating you isn't going to be easy.

With ppl I know, the man has been abusive in more than one relationship...in one case his first wife left and now he abuses the one he's with..but she won't leave.

Just be glad you're out of it...before he did serious physical harm to you.

Yes, I think the bastards can change.

My ex now has a new baby about 6 months old, a new woman and by all accounts is like a pig in shit!

His parents blamed me all along - I actually think they were right - we just were not compatible.

He was permanently intimidated by my intelligence (I don't even have a degree) and convinced I was going to go off with a guy at work.

New girl has tattoos, piercings, rough as a bear's arse, Essex accent innit..... I think he's found his level really.