Not sure I'll ever have sex again

[BedraggledBlitz]

I didnt have sex until I was 28. He was my first and only sexual partner. I was with him for 10 years, and I never really enjoyed sex. I'd avoid it as much as possible and just get it over with when I felt like I had to.

It obviously caused big issues and we separated. That was 3 years ago. I am very lonely but still a bit repulsed by sex. So I feel like it's unfair on a man to seek a relationship.

I've not had any traumatic background that has made me this way. It's the idea of being penetrated, of just feeling like a hole, all the meaningful eye to eye stuff while I just want it over with. Actually not just penetration, hated oral too.

Lol. A barrel of laughs eh?

Wtf is wrong with me?

Well you could be asexual perhaps? Maybe it's worth exploring with a counsellor?

I've had great sex and crap sex , now I'm in my late 20's I'd rather have a vibrator 😂 or go to bed

Does your lack of desire bother you, or is it just that you feel it should bother you?

Sometimes sex was pleasurable, but it's a lot of faff and no more pleasurable than a wank. I just always felt there was something better to do with the tim, even if it was watching telly.

I suppose I have desire. I often masturbate to sleep. Maybe that's what I associate it with?

I'm mostly bothered cos I'm doomed to loneliness. I like cuddles and dates, just not the sex bit.

I could live without it to be honest. I find it a faff and would rather be doing something else.

I try to enjoy it for dh sake but we don't do it that often. Thankfully he works shifts so we don't share a bed all the time....!! 😂

I love a nice cuddle and kiss but I just can't be bothered with the rest of it. How sad

I’m pretty sure it isn’t compulsory.

Yeah thanks for that.

That was for @Barry. I'm aware I dont HAVE to but obvs I'm missing a key part of human experience so quite wanted to ask for help/empathy/suggestions via an anonymous forum.

Is it a big issue in your relationship @onemore?

I know a lot of women who would happily do without.
Maybe desire does tend to lessen once we're no longer able to reproduce?

Some people don’t enjoy sex, even if they have sexual desire. It doesn’t mean relationships are a write off.

Maybe counselling or psychotherapy could help. Good luck

You could well be asexual. It took Mre 50 years to realise I was and now I don't have relationships. Asexuals often masturbate , !it's like scratching an itch, but don't much care about having sex.

Perhaps. Have you embraced being single @madcatlady? I take it you're getting your cuddle-fix from felines?!

OP you sound like you’re asexual. It is a real thing.

Maybe you just weren't compatible with your previous partner? Sex with different people is very different. If you've only ever slept with one person, I wouldn't write it off for life yet. Try it with someone else (preferably a few others).

I absolutely hated sex. Even the thought would repulse me. I felt sick and dirty afterwards and would scrub myself until it hurt.

Turns out it wasn’t sex I didn’t like, I’d just been having sex with the wrong sex.

Could it be that?

But, OP, don’t feel you need to have sex that you don’t want. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable, for both partners. You don’t need to have sex, the world won’t stop turning because you’re not available to be penetrated, but having unwanted sex will emotionally damage you.

If you want it, have it. If you don’t then don’t. It’s not the be all and end all, and it certainly isn’t if you don’t enjoy it.

Maybe you just haven't met the right partner.

Aren’t there online dating sites for asexual folk? Might be worth checking out, OP.

Or you could ask for my help in picking you a man, I seem to have a knack of finding blokes with no libido. Mine is high, and I’m upfront about it. They say they love it, then months in they turn off the tap. I can give you a few phone numbers...!

Haha @skittles! This is where I am totally irrational, the idea of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't desire me seems a bit cold. I know I'm a hypocrite.

I've wondered if I am gay @whatis, and while I can appreciate when a woman is beautiful, I've never thought sexually about a woman. Whereas I have fancied men.

I think maybe I should speak to a counsellor to get to the bottom of what I actually want.

You’ve only had one partner - he might not have been very good at it. But not everyone expects Sex - some people like the company

You sound like you might be asexual.

Apparently half of all adults are not having sex. So you are not a freak or weird.

I suspect lots of people feel the way you do - they just don’t talk about it in case people judge them.

I don’t think posts such as ‘maybe you just haven’t found the right partner yet’ are in any way useful. I had a lot of this and it made things much more difficult than it should’ve been. It may have been for very different reasons for me, but what it actually did was push me into having sex that I didn’t want, just because I thought I could cure whatever was wrong with me.It really destroyed my mental health for a long time. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex, it’s not something that necessarily can be, or needs to be solved. Sex is not a requirement, even if men would like us to think it is, and buying into this nonsense is incredibly damaging for women who don’t want it. The OP is posting because she thinks there’s something wrong, so the damage is already happening. Please don’t compound it by suggesting the problem can be fixed by having more sex, which she has said she doesn’t enjoy. If you all enjoy it then fine, fill yer boots, but it is not a requirement and just because you enjoy it, doesn’t mean everyone else should by default.

OP your body and your vagina are not public property, they belong to you, and if you don’t want to or enjoy sharing them then don’t. Like I said in my previous post, contrary to what society would like you to believe, the world will not stop spinning, for you or for anyone else, if you aren’t available for the pleasure of others. If you want to explore it through therapy then fine, it might be very helpful, but the bedroom is not the place where you will work this out. The misogynistic myth that somewhere there is a man with a magical all powerful penis who will cure you is just that, a misogynistic myth. Womens’ bodies are not riddles that can be solved by the right sexual partners if only we’d find the right one, we belong to ourselves, and if there’s a riddle to be solved then it’s within us to do it if we feel we want to, not the mystical powers of the right penis.