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Not sure I'll ever have sex again

55 replies

BedraggledBlitz · 17/06/2019 22:59

I didnt have sex until I was 28. He was my first and only sexual partner. I was with him for 10 years, and I never really enjoyed sex. I'd avoid it as much as possible and just get it over with when I felt like I had to.

It obviously caused big issues and we separated. That was 3 years ago. I am very lonely but still a bit repulsed by sex. So I feel like it's unfair on a man to seek a relationship.

I've not had any traumatic background that has made me this way. It's the idea of being penetrated, of just feeling like a hole, all the meaningful eye to eye stuff while I just want it over with. Actually not just penetration, hated oral too.

Lol. A barrel of laughs eh?

Wtf is wrong with me?

OP posts:
User10fuckingmillion · 18/06/2019 23:07

I really get it OP. I wouldn’t like to be told I’m asexual though for some reason

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 19/06/2019 00:20

I've also had a couple of insensitive radio-tuning partners. But .. others who actually had a clue. Dont go looking, OP, but dont shut your eyes either...

Whatisthis4 · 19/06/2019 10:20

Op, you may be within asexually. Agree with other posters and talking through this in therapy may help to solidify you feelings on this.

This may not apply to you but my experience may spark some thoughts either way on how you're feeling about it all. I thought I was asexual (in the area of no interest in person to person sex) for a long time. I had a decade of partners who made most physical contact only about leading to sex, sex was their version of the act (even when I stated what I liked/didn't like) they continued to do what they wanted, often leaving me cold (and sometimes in pain). After so many partners like this, I thought "this is just how it is". Some of it I think came internally from me too - being raised in a world where women are expected to be sexual objects for men left me feeling pressure to please the man first and be the sexual thing the man wanted even when I was the focus, leaving me hollow but accepting it all as normal (albeit being internally conflicted). And no, i didn't want to look into their eyes all mushy during either - it felt contrived within all of this.

When I finally got fed up with it all and was filled with anxiety, resentment, guilt, obligation at the expectant touch from partners (also exacerbated by general micro issues in the relationship that can unwittingly follow you into the bedroom) and even after trying many times to discuss how I felt - the reaction was I alone was the issue. I had a problem, I was mean and selfish, I was rejecting them, I made them feel bad, I had to go away to counselling for my "problem" with the main aim of coming back to sexually please them again and it was justifiable to be raged and whined at, to be argued round to allowing access to my body - because they were entitled to it. It was simplified down to me+sex, not taking into account the intricacies surrounding it. These weren't monsters- these were by normal standards 'nice' men, but the unseen subtle politics of sex affected us and was amplified in close quarters, snowballing over time.

I couldn't work out why I was emotional about it all (this was called irrational by one partner). I presumed it was because I just didn't like sex. For a long long while I felt this way.

I finally went to a highly trained specialised councillor and spent lots of time unpacking this all - being in a place where my feelings were truly heard was life changing.

I'm not saying the happy ending is being with someone sexually again, the best course is identifying your true feelings- which may be asexuality. In my case, I identified firm expectations for my self and potential partners going forward, breaking down what sex had come to symbolise over the years, expecting at the minimum to be equal, listened to (and most key- followed through on!) , which I now have with an emotionally intelligent person. we are very open on our feelings (ugly and pretty!) and I now realise it wasn't a dislike of the act itself and it was possible for me to find someone with whom sex is about a real mutual expression of love with all expectations left out. That's cheesy I know but it really is amazing. Again, not saying you need this!

Sorry this was long! Apologies if it wasn't overly helpful/applicable but I hope there's grains in there that you could look over, rule out or discard. I wish you all the best and hope you come to a place where you're living happily in whatever form works best for you. Smile

ScreamingLadySutch · 19/06/2019 14:17

*Turns out it wasn’t sex I didn’t like, I’d just been having sex with the wrong sex.

Could it be that?*

I was going to suggest exactly the same thing, because this is what my gay friend told me. Kiss and cuddle but the moment he wanted to penetrate - no.

Now happily married to her wonderful wife.

BedraggledBlitz · 19/06/2019 18:24

I love your post @whatisthis. Sex does feel like I'm just an object. But a woman being in control seems to be someone riding him on top - which doesn't appeal at all. Urgh.

I've never wanted to be intimate with a woman, not even fantasised. So I don't think I am gay. Or does it not work like that?

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