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Original poster

Not sure I'll ever have sex again

55 replies

BedraggledBlitz · 17/06/2019 22:59

I didnt have sex until I was 28. He was my first and only sexual partner. I was with him for 10 years, and I never really enjoyed sex. I'd avoid it as much as possible and just get it over with when I felt like I had to.

It obviously caused big issues and we separated. That was 3 years ago. I am very lonely but still a bit repulsed by sex. So I feel like it's unfair on a man to seek a relationship.

I've not had any traumatic background that has made me this way. It's the idea of being penetrated, of just feeling like a hole, all the meaningful eye to eye stuff while I just want it over with. Actually not just penetration, hated oral too.

Lol. A barrel of laughs eh?

Wtf is wrong with me?

OP posts:
Babdoc · 18/06/2019 10:01

OP, I’m struck by your remark “It’s the idea of being penetrated, of just being a hole”.
Is that how you view sex? And, importantly, was that how your DP viewed YOU - as a hole to penetrate?
Because genuinely loving sex is nothing like that. It’s as much a powerful “enclosing and engulfing” by you of your partner, as it is a penetration by him. It’s a mutual thing, a wish by both to prioritise each other’s pleasure. And it should never be happening unless both parties are enthusiastically consenting.
I think you got into a mindset of seeing it as a chore to please DP, and it doesn’t sound as though he was any cop as a lover, if he never bothered to arouse you first.
Before you write sex off, it would be worth doing some research on what kinds of touch you enjoy during masturbation, and then teaching these to a new partner who is a considerate lover and willing to learn.

Ihatehashtags · 18/06/2019 10:09

Maybe sex just wasn’t good with your ex? I have had absolutely terrible sex and I have had mind blowing sex. It’s about the connection you have with your partner. Sometimes you can get on and they are a great friend but the sexual chemistry isn’t there.

Youcanstay · 18/06/2019 11:33

@Whatisthisfuckery So, so very well said.
I Couldn't Agree With You More.

Sarcelle · 18/06/2019 11:49

Although it is a woman's choice whether to have sex or not, the OP was mainly bothered because of loneliness, her not wanting sex was stopping her from seeking a new relationship. It's true, it would be hard to find a guy who would not be happy with that. Plenty of people have platonic relationships but one party is normally not happy about it. But there will be men who think the same way.

Let's face it, sex in the main is overrated. The fantasy rarely lives up to the reality. And more people are not having sex, or having crap sex than having okay or great sex.

I would not seek therapy, it's totally okay not to like sex. It's not compulsory.

OldAndWornOut · 18/06/2019 12:24

I think that on the quiet, there are quite a few men who aren't that bothered about having sex.
Its just that its considered weird not to want to, for some strange reason.

StarryUnicorn · 18/06/2019 14:39

@BedraggledBlitz I strongly recommend you try reading the forums at www.asexuality.org there are many people there who describe feelings similar to yours, this may help you put things in context.

If you decide to discuss this with a therapist, choose one who is aware of asexual orientation, otherwise you will just get the same half of the conversation you usually do.

NameChangeNugget · 18/06/2019 15:43

Why don’t you try counselling??

You really would be missing out. It’s the only thing that differentiates a great friendship from a partnership.

LittleDoll · 18/06/2019 15:46

Nothing wrong with you. I was the same until I met my partner who I'm actually sexually compatible with.

ILiketheNiceCereal · 18/06/2019 15:50

I thought I might be asexual, op. Turns out my one and only partner up to that point was basically crap. I've got a FWB arrangement with someone completely different right now, and it turns out I'm not asexual at all.

But the real point is - what do you want? I wanted to try sex with someone new, to see what I really wanted in life, and it turns out I want to have sex and be desired. Before I figured this out, I turned off that side of my life entirely, like a tap.

UnderPompeii · 18/06/2019 15:53

It’s the only thing that differentiates a great friendship from a partnership.

I have to disagree wholeheartedly with this. I've been with DH for 26 years, the first few years we were at it like rabbits, anywhere and everywhere, couldn't keep our hands off each other. Things have dwindled over the years and now sex is infrequent. Its just not that significant a part of our relationship anymore. And yet I love him deeply, he's my soulmate, my rock and my life partner and I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. I don't cate if that's a cliche by the way, because its true. Just because we're not having frequent sex, doesn't lessen the depth of my feelings for him.
OP sex most definitely isn't the be all and end all, there's potential for close loving relationships without it.

Original poster
BedraggledBlitz · 18/06/2019 18:37

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses, sorry I don't have time to mention and reply to everyone.

I especially liked @whatis post. So thanks for that.

A couple of people have said my ex probably wasn't right for me. He had a high sex drive and every form of contact was interpreted as an invite to shag. That got old quickly. He seemed incapable of hugging without trying to his shove hand down my pants. Once in bed doing the deed, I would try to guide his hand but he'd default to his usual technique. It was frustrating. So I guess I had 10 years of trying to avoid that, might have clouded my attitude (insert hmm face that app is denying me).

OP posts:
Seniorschoolmum · 18/06/2019 18:46

Your ex sounds horribly selfish. That would put me right off.

I’d stick to what YOU want. Date, cuddle, if they want more say no thanks and leave, unless you find someone who shows a bit of gentle consideration and YOU don’t want him to stop

Ambydex · 18/06/2019 19:34

I can identify with you OP, and I think there are some really good posts on this thread. You are going on a very small dataset of one relationship though. It is ok not to be able to draw any great truths from that - not to be able to pin down whether it's a feeling you have about sex in general or whether it was actually specific to that relationship.

I think your route to another relationship is developing a platonic friendship first and building on that slowly if it feels right. It's not fashionable, the dating world is not really set up for it, but I like to imagine it's not totally impossible either.

samyeagar · 18/06/2019 19:50

OP, what was your religious upbringing?

Original poster
BedraggledBlitz · 18/06/2019 20:44

Yes @amby sounds like the way forward. But I also get the impression people seem to shag pretty soon after dating, cos it's all fun and larks to them!

Zero religion in my life. So I've never been told sex is bad.

When I first had sex my ex felt very flattered that I'd "chosen" him. But the reality is that noone had really asked before, just drunken propositions, noone had attempted to date me. I was just incredibly relieved to ditch my virginity. Was tired of conveniently leaving conversations with friends when sex came up. Then once it was done I thought "good done it, now I can stop". But persevered a bit so I could become a mum. That's done, so not sure there's much motivation to try again.

OP posts:
samyeagar · 18/06/2019 21:24

If you aren't overly personally fussed, then I guess I'd just say meh, don't worry about it. This is one of those things that if you don't feel broken, then you aren't. You're just you, and it's not really up to anyone else to say that there is something wrong with you.

That said, as with any other type of relationship compatibility point, this will limit the number of prospective partners, and since this level of aversion is on the less common side of things, it would probably be best for everyone involved, including yourself, if you were straight forward about it fairly early in any potential relationships.

QuentinWinters · 18/06/2019 21:40

bedraggled Flowers
My ex was like that, it is a massive turn off, I left that relationship thinking there was something wrong with me. DP is not at all pushy, quite happy to stop and start, or not restart, at any point and I'm more up for it than I've ever been in my life.
I think the prob is your ex, not you. I'd not worry about it and you will hopefully meet someone with a good connection

Pollaidh · 18/06/2019 21:44

Your ex sounds like an arse. Behaviour like that would put many women off sex. So it might well be him, not you.

There's also asexuality, which, interestingly, doesn't mean all sexual feelings are missing - there's quite a variation within the asexual community, so worth looking into. And I agree with a PP that if you go for counselling, go for someone who is ace-friendly.

PickAChew · 18/06/2019 21:48

If you've only ever had bad sex with a selfish lover, there's no wonder you can't even stand the idea of it.

Tinytomato2 · 18/06/2019 21:55

You're it alone. I have never liked sex but now I can't bear it. I hate to be touched, I hate the dopey expression on dh's face when he's feeling frisky. I hate him grabbing and pawing at me and the pain because I'm not remotely wanting it. It causes no end of problems in my relationship and I know I'm to blame for not being "normal". I just feel panicky whenever I feel it's on the cards. I've never been assaulted. I can't explain it. I'd rather do anything else.

Original poster
BedraggledBlitz · 18/06/2019 22:00

I'm really grateful for the responses. It's hard to talk about in real life. I attempted to chat with my mum but she started talking about her high sex drive. Which put me off further!

My friends don't talk about sex. It's not like Sex and the City would have you believe.

OP posts:
Original poster
BedraggledBlitz · 18/06/2019 22:01

You've totally described my feelings @tinytomato.

OP posts:
SuzieQ10 · 18/06/2019 22:02

I think there a quite a few people who would rather not have sex.
I'm one of them to be honest. We do 'do it' but I rarely enjoy it

Caucho · 18/06/2019 22:36

I don’t think anyone has suggested her vagina is public property but she has said she has had sex with only one person ever. Which might be enough to say it’s not for me and never again. At the same time I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to base everything on one person who could have been completely the wrong guy to base everything on.

If someone is asexual then of course it’s fine and of course nobody has to have sex or feel like they have to if they don’t want to.

It’s an old trope but counselling might be useful but sometimes some people do just know and then won’t change their thoughts and feelings. You will be limited if you want a ‘romantic’ relationship or partnership without the sex at your age though. It’s not unique to be like that but will reduce the pool of partners for sure but you might be happy to single forever also

Scott72 · 18/06/2019 23:03

Whatisthisfuckery is right, but if OP is asexual then romantic relationships with men are simply not for her.

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