do abusers change? Ever?

[Jaxinthebox]

So almost a year relationship, which was very intense, lots of life changing things happened in that short time for him, but I was vulnerable at the time, I know I was...

Anyway, EA, Verbal and lastly a push. I got away, left and blocked him. There was drinking on his part - a functioning alcoholic basically.

Now nearly 5 months on he contacted me, full of sorry, he has changed, he loves me etc etc. I met up with him and we talked for a long time. He is back at work, not drinking and he does seem more 'him'

Do I take him back? Does he really love me? Am I just an absolute idiot to even consider this?

I really thought I was over him, had moved forward and was pretty together mentally. Now I just feel all over the place.

I just really need to vent and get this out there. I know 100% I cannot 'fix' him, I cant change him, but can he change himself?

Also it’s really important to realise.
Even if they change. Even if they say they’ve changed....
It doesn’t really matter because his previous abuse will have had a terrible effect on you. You will just walk on eggshells. Even if you think you won’t , you will. It’s inevitable. You’re just not equal partners after abuse.

I just wanted to update everyone and thank you all for your advice. I went to WA and spoke to someone there who was so helpful and was pleased that I could recognise previous behaviours this time.

After days beating myself up for replying/seeing him I took every item he owns and dropped them off last night. I was going to speak to him face to face but chickened out, he was in a tricky mood. Upshot is I left his stuff in porch when I was leaving and messaged him when I got home.

I hope he leaves me alone as I have requested.
I will not continue this cycle of abuse. Ive moved on, Ive worked hard to deal with this.

Again, thank you all.

You’re amazing! Well Done!!

Of course this stuff isn’t easy, it hurts, and there are so many complexities already without factoring in his insistence that you need to be his victim.

Basically to hook a new victim means he has to pretend to be a normal decent human being until they fall for it. For these awful people, being nice is exhausting and he’ll hate himself for doing it all.

He can’t be bothered with all that so it’s far easier to pull your strings

Can you get someone to stay with you? Can you call your local police station to warn them that you’re potentially at risk?

Keep safe and please call WA for support, post here as often as you need to

You’ve made the first steps to real freedom and happiness

Well done!!!

🎉 Amazing! Well done!!

Well done OP. Great update.
I hope he leaves alone too but I doubt he will.
Just stay strong and resilient and you will get there.

Well done

Stay strong xx

@mzhz there is no need for police - it would be pointless anyway. Without going into detail, lets just say they cannot help.

I hope he doesnt contact me, he did apologise in a text, say I was right and he shouldnt have emailed me.

I really am done - I dipped my toe in, nothing has changed; I can see that, and I do not want or need to go back to that place.

Ive changed, he hasnt. Its sad but i am strong and will be resilient. I have great support and Im no longer any where near as vulnerable as I was a year ago.

I got a message at 4am from him saying he couldnt sleep despite me saying not to contact me. Obviously I havent responded and I have no compulsion to at all.

Ive got this!

Actually yes, abusers can change IF they want to.

But it's very rare and it NEVER happens in 5 months. The underlying pattern of behaviour usually takes years to change, unless they have a bolt of lightening out of the blue (usually a brush with death)

No way is this particular guy changing, it's bullshit. Very well done for walking away.

Block him please. Right now you're a bit vulnerable, honestly. In 8 months you won't be.

@SeaEagleFeather . its pointless to block him, he has many numbers and phones - and to be honest I would rather monitor his messages, to see any escalation etc.

I had a barage of texts, whatsapps and calls last night. I was at a friends and my phone was on silent. I ended up removing the vibrate, changing his ring tone and taking off my watch so I couldnt see/hear anything from him.

nothing over night, but I am on alert that he will continue this until he gets bored. As long as I dont respond in any way, I think I am safe enough.

Ive asked him not to contact me, to respect my wishes but no... so nothing has changed. I am very very aware that he has not changed at all.

Love, get a new number and migrate everything onto it except him.

So he’s a police officer himself?

Just get a new number and monitor his communications on the old one until you have enough to use as grounds to get an injunction

No. The advantages of abuse are too great. Thinking about other people's point of view and having to care about them? Far too giving and taking attention away from The Great Me.

They don't change OP.

@mzhz - no he isnt police, but I dont want to say any more.
He hasnt contacted me in days, but I am aware he is working this week and is off this weekend... I am busy this weekend and my phone will not be reachable. Im keeping myself safe and being aware of my surroundings, thats all I can do.

He hasn’t changed. My ex claimed he had changed, he ghosted me then a year later came back full of sorry, he was scared, he loved me, he had changed. I gave him another chance, lovely for the first few week, I thought he had actually changed. He turned out to be the most nasty person ever, I couldn’t believe he was the man I had fallen in love with. He had changed for the worse and it broke me all over again. I don’t think they ever change unfortunately x