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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

do abusers change? Ever?

65 replies

Jaxinthebox · 17/06/2019 20:29

So almost a year relationship, which was very intense, lots of life changing things happened in that short time for him, but I was vulnerable at the time, I know I was...

Anyway, EA, Verbal and lastly a push. I got away, left and blocked him. There was drinking on his part - a functioning alcoholic basically.

Now nearly 5 months on he contacted me, full of sorry, he has changed, he loves me etc etc. I met up with him and we talked for a long time. He is back at work, not drinking and he does seem more 'him'

Do I take him back? Does he really love me? Am I just an absolute idiot to even consider this?

I really thought I was over him, had moved forward and was pretty together mentally. Now I just feel all over the place.

I just really need to vent and get this out there. I know 100% I cannot 'fix' him, I cant change him, but can he change himself?

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 17/06/2019 22:19

5 months isn’t long enough to change that kind of behaviour and mindset or maintain it I’m afraid.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 17/06/2019 22:22

I also think 5 months is ridiculous. Despite what I've said above. I think it takes DECADES to change an a abusive mindset and who wants to put their own happiness to one side for that long??

Wynteriscoming · 17/06/2019 22:32

Another of my family members was in an abusive relationship. My family member didn't believe what his previous wife said about the abuser, ignored a whole bunch of red flags and in the end, even locking him out the house and a restraining order didn't get rid of him. The only thing that did (well only partially as they had a child together) was his next girlfriend who didn't believe the two previous women accusing him of abuse. It took yet again another baby (his 7th child) for his true colours to come through for the latest woman, it took a lot for her to finally escape him too.

OhioOhioOhio · 17/06/2019 22:32

No. I went back. No. The answer is no.

Nursejackie1 · 17/06/2019 22:50

The only time I have ever heard of them so called changing are when they become very old men and just haven’t got it in them anymore. Do you want to wait that long?
It’s not going to happen, do not waste your life. Do you think abusers are worth the punt waiting to see whether they suddenly decide to be decent. Just leave the prick to it and have a nice life.

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 17/06/2019 23:05

In my experience they only change with who they're with. My dad for example. Nasty foul tempered violent bastard with my mum but was a completely different man with his next wife and now his current partner of about 15 years. Mind you, that's probably because they would cut his fucking balls off if he ever dared to speak to them like he did my mum. He's an alright chap now.

Mum's husband now of 20 years was also a foul tempered man and he still is. He's not violent but he will throw a shit fit about something that's annoyed or angered him and my mum will apologise. It doesn't matter what it is or if my mum was even around but she will apologise nonetheless to try and appease him.
He wouldn't pull that shit with DSis or I because even as kids, we would stand up to him (unlike dad who we were scared of)

Now I'm not victim blaming (but will shake my head at mum mum every fucking time she apologises unnecessarily) but if a person ever thinks he can be abusive to someone and then does it, then no matter what, I think it has set the precedent and he could easily do it again.

People can change but there's no guarantee that they won't do it again.

Prettyvase · 18/06/2019 08:37

I think you are looking at it the wrong way op.

What sort of woman are you and what sort of woman do you want to be known as to everyone?

What sort of role model do you want to be to your children if you have any and friends and family?

What is it about your nature that appeals to the lowest denominator man and makes you want to give him a second chance at abusing you?

If a woman seeks out or is attractive to someone they know has a history of abuse then they have to look closely at themselves first.

There is nothing remotely attractive about any man who is rude or selfish.

The fact that you ignore such basic red flags as this is very worrying.

Op please, if you need to rescue something get a dog.

insecure123 · 18/06/2019 10:53

My abusive ex changed - he went from verbal and the odd push - to breaking bones, locking me in a house, attacking etc etc

Please steer well clear. He may well have changed - but do you want to take the risk if he hasn't?

It is very easy to be taken back in.

Scorpvenus1 · 18/06/2019 11:35

No they don't change.

And they don't really love you either.

ruralliving19 · 18/06/2019 13:14

No. Abuse is a pattern of thinking, of ingrained narcissism and usually misogyny. He may control his actions for a period of time but they always fall back eventually.

gamerchick · 18/06/2019 13:20

Tell him the next time he gets in touch that you're glad he's taken steps to change and that you hope his next relationship gets the benefit of the new him. Wish him well and then block his number.

Don't even go there or you'll find it harder to get rid next time.

LittleDoll · 18/06/2019 13:34

In my opinion theres 3 kinds of abusers.

The ones who know what they're doing. They are predators. They wont change.

The bully types who change when they meet someone who they cant get away with it with (but will go back to their old ways with someone they can).

And then people like me and my partner. Looking from the outside without the full picture people have described both of us as abusive when one of us has had a mental break down. Difference here is long term changing and training yourself. I have more than one personality and I cant access all of it's memories so it's important to me that I dont get into that state. People who act what seems abusively this way will also feel great shame and disgust with themselves when "they" come back. We also tend to avoid most people because we are aware that we can project a massive amount of negativity.

I want to point out though, that even if someones behaviour is abusive because of mental health, it's still not your job to deal with it. Me and my partner have the same problems so we can understand each other but in all honesty as much as we would love not to be we are like mental poison to some.

It doesnt really matter what's caused it or if they can change. Its ultimately up to you.

I dont believe anyone can change such significant disfunction in the time yours claims to though and would put him in one of the first two categories based on the fact hes claiming he has.

Original poster
Jaxinthebox · 18/06/2019 13:57

What has been said has resonated so much with me. I wont be going back - I actually do not want to be with him. Ive spent the weekend with him but I know this cant continue.

Why did I want to see him? Probably my own low self esteem - that I had worked so hard to recover after him... to hear that he did love me, did want and need me. That is MY issue that I have to deal with.

I do NOT want to rescue him, I know I cannot fix him and actually he has not changed. He was drinking last night - not to excess, but still he really hasnt changed. I wanted to go to bed, he didnt. This morning, he wanted a hand job. All about him, selfish, selfish selfish.

So, Im done - Im not even telling him, Im just blocking him, I will drop off the dvds, board games and t shirt that belong to him and thats it.

I had met someone lovely, it was only the beginning and we have had a few dates, I very nearly screwed up a good thing because of my stupidity.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/06/2019 14:01

Did he hear from somewhere that you'd started seeing someone else? Just wondering about the timing of his reappearance.

Original poster
Jaxinthebox · 18/06/2019 14:21

@category no he wouldnt know for sure, but he has decided what he wants - me, he wants me back in his life, he has sorted some stuff out and is ready to have me all the time, forever. His sister has gave him a bollocking and told him to treat me right this time - as has his mum.

But actually there wont be a this time, Im not putting myself through that again, Ive worked far too hard to get myself sorted, just got some help via WA and doing the Freedom programme. Its all bullshit on his part, I know he hasnt changed. Its sad because we had some fantastic times together and the sex was beyond amazing. That is what I missed more than anything I think.

But the awful feeling isnt worth that part alone.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/06/2019 14:29

The fact he hasn't stopped drinking is huge, as well.

I'm glad you're not going to continue with him. Stay firm Flowers

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 18/06/2019 14:34

OP be very careful returning his stuff, can you have someone with you? There's a danger of him turning violent, also the danger of you being sucked back into the drama.

Original poster
Jaxinthebox · 18/06/2019 14:35

@queen I wont take anyone with me, I will just drop it off and tell him this wont ever work for me, dont contact me again... nothing else, no debate, not another word.

Yeah, he wont change - or if he does it wont be for long.

OP posts:
Yeahnahmum · 18/06/2019 15:01

Run forrest run...

Moralitym1n1 · 18/06/2019 15:28

The only way an abuser might change is if they were dumped by every woman they try it with. Then - if no one will tolerate them - they might perhaps examine their behaviour.

No.

That would be like a lion stopping examining it's urge to run after antelope and sink their teeth into them. They're wired that way. They feel it's right. They feel justified. The women, in their minds, are always wrong.

Moralitym1n1 · 18/06/2019 15:31

They'll just keep on at it, hiding it a bit better for a bit longer, trying to find the 'right' woman (who puts up with it). And they do find them, this forum is full of them.

Moralitym1n1 · 18/06/2019 15:32

Their relationships last as long as it takes for the woman to realise, persevere,band get out (if they do get out).

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 18/06/2019 15:33

I would say from experience that if you take him back he would have probably lost the tiny bit of respect for you he does have. It will be worse. X

IceQueenCometh · 18/06/2019 18:07

I went back. No they don't change. Infact they hate you even more for being so needy. He'll be full of remorse until the second you walk back in the door and then he will be as bad before, most likely worse.

Stay firm and cut ALL contact with this man, for good.

Rashatash · 18/06/2019 18:28

I agree with other posters.
The father of my children was practically on his knees crying with remorse about what he did to me in a rage. Destroyed our things, verbal abuse, telling us he hated us, smashing the house up.
In my total shock and trauma, having not revealed the full extent of his violence to anyone, I listened to EVERYONE I know tell me how we should give it another go, how he is the perfect man, the pillar of the community. My friends, my family. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors with these abusive men. I thought I was losing my mind, almost that I’d imagined it.
I took him back.
He minimised all his actions. The remorse lasted until the second he was back in our home, abusing us. A week later I came down to my beautiful daughter picking up pieces of crockery he’d thrown at the wall in rage on his way out to work in the morning. Made coffee, smashed up the kitchen.
Despite him agreeing to seek therapy etc (all the usual shit they say) , he used his time back in our home to convince everyone I was crazy, while privately trying to convince me his actions had been entirely justified and normal, in fact that I deserved them , for being a sahm. (That was my crime).
I left. But the damage is enormous. Like recovering from a car crash.
So in my experience, they never change .