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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

do abusers change? Ever?

65 replies

Jaxinthebox · 17/06/2019 20:29

So almost a year relationship, which was very intense, lots of life changing things happened in that short time for him, but I was vulnerable at the time, I know I was...

Anyway, EA, Verbal and lastly a push. I got away, left and blocked him. There was drinking on his part - a functioning alcoholic basically.

Now nearly 5 months on he contacted me, full of sorry, he has changed, he loves me etc etc. I met up with him and we talked for a long time. He is back at work, not drinking and he does seem more 'him'

Do I take him back? Does he really love me? Am I just an absolute idiot to even consider this?

I really thought I was over him, had moved forward and was pretty together mentally. Now I just feel all over the place.

I just really need to vent and get this out there. I know 100% I cannot 'fix' him, I cant change him, but can he change himself?

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 17/06/2019 20:32

I would walk away.

Mrsmummy90 · 17/06/2019 20:35

ime no they don't

samyeagar · 17/06/2019 20:36

No, and no.

Seeingadistance · 17/06/2019 20:39

Nope.

vampirethriller · 17/06/2019 20:42

No.

PicsInRed · 17/06/2019 20:46

He's put the mask back on.
He'll take it off quicker this time, but tie you down tighter before he does, so this time it's harder to escape.

THAT'S what happens when you take an abuser back. Not change.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 17/06/2019 20:54

I left dp. For 6 months he woo ed me. Fell for it and married him very soon after. Within a week he was back to twat mode.
Yes abusers change.
They get worse..
Just more slyly...

category12 · 17/06/2019 20:55

He was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive towards you. You drew a line there, you left.

Going back is saying all that was OK. There's no excuse for his behaviour. There's no reason good enough in the world to abuse your partner, to rip them down, to push them.

He tells you he's stopped drinking. What proof is there of that?
What happens when he relapses?
What help has he had? Has he done any therapy? Five months to reform his character? Really?

You need to value yourself higher than to go back to someone who treated you so badly.

ParkheadParadise · 17/06/2019 20:56

No they never change.
My dd was in an abusive relationship for years. I fucking hated him from the moment I met him. Everytime they split up she would say it was over, then he would appear back.
They eventually split up for good,dd started to get on with her life.
Sadly she would never be free from him. He murdered her nearly 4yrs ago. He walked free and now has moved on but he will never change, he'll always be a evil bastard.
Best thing you can do is walk away.

AnyFucker · 17/06/2019 20:58

Fucking hell PP

I am so sorry

Otterhound · 17/06/2019 21:04

No.

Mainly because they don't believe they are abusive

gem584848838 · 17/06/2019 21:14

Sorry but I 100% agree with everyone. They NEVER change. Please walk away and be glad you're free of him

Original poster
Jaxinthebox · 17/06/2019 21:17

Parkhead . I am so very sorry.

Thank you to all of you, I really mean that. I know you are all correct, I do, deep down I do know and I do value myself more. I deserve better.

I do worry what he will do if I go this time, I really do. I can cross that bridge though.

OP posts:
wildone84 · 17/06/2019 21:18

Very rarely IME. Proceed with caution if you proceed at all.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/06/2019 21:25

The only way an abuser might change is if they were dumped by every woman they try it with. Then - if no one will tolerate them - they might perhaps examine their behaviour. But sadly too many women accept this shit.

If you have him back you're basically telling him that everything he did before is ok. You'd be mad to do so.

wildone84 · 17/06/2019 21:27

Having re-read your post and noted that there's been the beginnings of what is physical abusive, I'd be so careful. Healthy non abusive men simply do not go there. This is the path to being beaten up by your partner. You won't know when it's coming but that's where it's headed almost always once you start down this road.

Wynteriscoming · 17/06/2019 21:36

No, not unless they have had very, very intense professional help for a long time. I don't think this would be possible in 5 months, it would probably take years to really change on a deep level! And still then, after all that, as you have a history together I would say that he should need to move on with his whole life including you in order to truly put his his past behind him.

There are probably many many reasons behind his behaviour that he would need to face and work through. In 5 months he's just put his "mask" back on like others have said. This is classic behaviour and he will try and trap you again, he'll make it even more difficult for you to leave him.

Regarding the alcohol, my alcoholic family member nearly drank himself to death. After the doctor told him this, he went sobar. He said he had changed, that he wanted to stay healthy and alive to see his grandchildren grow up etc - he was back drinking regularly after a year.

Gingerkittykat · 17/06/2019 21:37

I do know one abuser who changed. My friends DP, who was reactive and occasionally violent aged around 20.

He was arrested and sent to anger management, it was seeing how the other men there were idiots making excuses for themselves that made him not want to be like them.

20 years later and they are married and he treats her well.

It is possible given a lot of soul searching, taking responsibility and gaining insight over behaviour but I wouldn't say it was common.

category12 · 17/06/2019 21:39

I do worry what he will do if I go this time, I really do.

I take it there's some suggestion of him hurting himself? You do realise that is part of the abuser's script? It's a classic tactic to make it all about his emotions and the damaged person he is, to make you feel guilt and responsibility for him? This kind of emotional manipulation is not coming from love, it's more control.

(If OTOH you're fearing repercussion, then you know he's not changed a bit.)

Mistybee · 17/06/2019 21:45

I’m sure I read somewhere to wait at least 2 years to see if the changes are permanent

When I finally left my now XH he promised to make permanent changes

They lasted a couple of months

Leaving was even harder then as I was pregnant (he was responsible for the contraception)

It’s now 4 years since I left him and 18 months since the divorce was finalised........he’s still an abusive man as he fails to see there was anything wrong

The children and I are much happier now

Lockcodger · 17/06/2019 21:45

No, abusive men can never change. As Pics said upthread, if you go back he will be even worse this time. The lovebombing cycle will be shorter and the violence will be more severe. He will punish you for leaving the first time and hold it over you in every argument.

Please dont fall into the trap of thinking his alcoholism is what made him abusive. Alcohol can lower inhibitions but it cannot make someone abusive, it is all there beneath the surface all the time. Not all alcoholics are abusive however many abusive men are dependent on one substance or a other. Just because he has stopped drinking doesnt mean he has changed his deep held beliefs about you being nothing more than an object put here to serve his needs.

Also, abusive men are incapable of love in the true sense. They have no empathy and see you merely as an extension of themselves. They are very good at faking it though which is what he has done at your last meeting. Would you really want to be with someone who is incapable of loving you?

Dont fall into the trap if he offers to go to counselling. Many abusive men will agree to relationship counselling with no intention of changing and some counsellors even end up siding with the abuser because they are so manipulative.

Please read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. I think there is a specific chapter on can abusers change.

From my own experience in several abusive relationships, every time I went back the abuse got worse, meanwhile my self esteem became more and more eroded.

Please don't make the same mistake

tryingtofindpeace · 17/06/2019 22:00

7 years too late I realised no they don’t change! Run whilst you still have some self esteem Flowers

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 17/06/2019 22:03

I think very, very rarely people can change. For example, if they had very poor parenting or witnessed abusive behaviour at home, but are intelligent enough and determined enough to reflect and do something about it... BUT I think this is as rare as hens' teeth and even if they do change, you may have lost all respect for them by then.

Alcohol abuse is a huge, massive, waving red flag and combined with mental/ physical abuse it is a no. 5 months sober is too soon to be contemplating a relationship. This person needs to be concentrating on sobriety not digressing into romance.

Do not feel responsible or be the rescuer. You are fab and deserve more.

Honeybingbong · 17/06/2019 22:12

I divorced my exh about 10 years ago. I repeatedly told people that he was abusing me. Physically, mentally and sexually. No one ever believed me. When I finally left him I was the crazy one, I was stupid divorcing such a lovely man.
My solicitor also pointed out he was abusing me financially too. He took 90% of my monthly wage every month for 5 years.

10 years on I’m happily married to one of the kindest humans I’ve ever know. Living a happy life. My exh is mentally, physically and financially abusing his gf of 5 years. It’s common knowledge in my old town. So I don’t believe a abuser can change. They can change the way they abuse you but there will always be abusing. You need to stay as far away from this man as you can and have absolutely no contact.
Lots of good advice from pp please listen to them

Whatisthisfuckery · 17/06/2019 22:16

I had a brief conversation with my abusive alcoholic ex this evening. I wouldn’t have spoken to him at all but I had to sort out something that would negatively affect me otherwise.

Ex, ‘how is DS?’

Me, ‘he’s fine.’

Ex, ‘can I speak to him?’

Me, ‘I’ll ask him if he wants to.’

DS said no, didn’t want to speak to his father.

Me, ‘DS says no, he doesn’t want to speak to you.’

Ex, ‘Why?’

Me, ‘well maybe you should go away and reflect on why that might be.’

Ex, ‘well I’ve given up the booze?’

Me, ‘again, maybe you should go away and reflect on why your son doesn’t want to speak to you.’

The reason DS doesn’t want to speak to his father is because he’d drink so much on visitation that he’d pass out on the sofa; he’d make DS carry 12 cans of lager back from the supermarket and threaten not to let him in the house if he didn’t; he’d scream and swear at DS; he was violent towards DS, pushing slapping, he tried to push him down the stairs, and once he threw a PC at him, which DS had to dodge and good job to as it made a dent in the wall behind where he’d been standing.

These are just a few of the many many reasons why DS doesn’t want to speak to his father. DS who is 11, and hasn’t even seen his father for 18 months. And yet, yet, his abuser father, same profile as your ex OP with the EA and the pushing etc, just does not see it. He’s given up the booze (or so he says) which he himself knows was bad, but he just doesn’t understand or acknowledge all the other awful stuff he’s done.

So no OP, abusers do not change, and do you really want to find out?