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Relationships

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Original poster

Compromising on having a child

61 replies

Beeeeleeee · 17/06/2019 18:21

So OH and I haven’t been together that long, however in the first 2 dates we knew the other was the one, we talked about what we’d like out of a relationship and were honest, a big topic for me was children as he already has 2. He initially said yes to another one as he thinks he’s got a chance to do it better again this time round as he had his first 2 very young (17/18).

Anyway fast forward to 4 months down the line he suddenly calls (yes stupid and I voiced my feelings on this) says he doesn’t want anymore kids, he doesn’t want to go through that bringing a child up, emotions etc again, he wants to enjoy life and wants to do it with me. This was a shock to me and I had told him it would be a deal breaker. Suddenly I felt as though my confidence, security and safety in the whole relationship had been shaken and I was now unsteady.

Things have certainly changed between us and it’s been a horrendous week, not only did he decide to deliver this news over the phone but his attitude was “I’ve been there, done that, got my legacy and I don’t care”. I spoke to him about this when we had a proper face to face sit down talk and he apologised, he said he realised his delivery was very poor.

Thing is, I’m stuck because he I’m thinking of things on so many levels, do I sacrifice? What if the relationship falls apart after a couple of years and it’s too late for me? By the way I’m 31 and he is 36. Do I walk away and risk losing that person I’ve been seeking for so long and just have a baby with the next because that’s one thing I’ve always wanted? (Because I can guarantee that’s what will happen) do I sacrifice because I’ve found this great relationship and deal with a future of not having children but a future filled with travelling and enjoying life? This is just a few of the thousands of thoughts I’ve had.

We had a proper talk today and he said he knows he doesn’t want to lose me, he had basically left the ultimate decision in my hands...
He reassured me that he will make sure that life will always be happy and he’ll always make sure I don’t feel like I’m missing out on not having a child.

Sadly I feel as though the relationship isn’t strong enough anymore. I am so conflicted I am so lost. Can I ask for a few opinions as to whether me compromising would be stupid or not.

I should also mention that I do understand things from his point of view, there have not been any raised voices, accusations and there has been a lot of tears and fears from both sides. I have also been very unsure about whether I can have kids from around the age of 21, I have never been pregnant and have been in a fair amount of steady relationships (which weren’t great) but that’s always been at the back of my mind. So I have imagined my life without my children and had come to a point when I turned 30 of accepting that I may be able to and might not.

OP posts:

Mac47 · 17/06/2019 18:43

I appreciate you are upset, but you have only been with him a few months, it's no time at all. I don't blame him for phoning you, I would have preferred to do it over the phone than some huge tearful drama.
If you want kids and he doesn't, at least you know early on and can find someone else, rather than staying with him in the hope you can get him to change his mind.

MrMagooooo · 17/06/2019 18:46

I told my partner when I met her I wanted kids. If she didn't then I'd have walked away.

Walk away.

Ledehe · 17/06/2019 18:47

You have only been together 4 months. Go find someone else who wants babies with you

VixenSixen · 17/06/2019 18:49

I would be ending that relationship before things got too involved and messy..... For something as big a deal-breaker as wanting children, I dont think that is something you can gloss over at all. The longer you remain in this relationship the bigger the elephant in the room will become and it will end up driving you apart eventually.

I wouldn't try and convince yourself that he will come round to the idea, if someone shows you who they are the first time - listen and don't ignore it.

If you're concerned about your fertility, ask your GP to run some bloods and see if anything is amiss. It might put your mind at rest.

Tableclothing · 17/06/2019 18:50

in the first 2 dates we knew the other was the one

This is madness, sorry. I think you had a huge amount of hopes invested in this bloke which could not possibly have been warranted by what you actually knew about him.

The plus side is that he's been honest, so the ball is in your court. Trouble is, no one can tell you the 'right' answer. Best advice I can give is to give it a bit of time - you don't have to decide today. If he really is that amazing then it could be a choice you make peace with.

Just don't settle for Mr Not As Bad As The Others, whether kids are on the cards or not.

Ginger1982 · 17/06/2019 18:50

Walk away. It would have been a deal breaker for me.

Happinessbegins · 17/06/2019 18:53

I think you will regret it if you stay with him and don’t have a child.

JaniceBattersby · 17/06/2019 18:54

He’s not The One. The One will want kids with you.

There’s no compromising over having kids, it’s a black and white situation.

I’d finish things I’m afraid OP.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/06/2019 18:59

in the first 2 dates we knew the other was the one

Obviously not or you wouldn't care re chidren as he alone would be enough.

category12 · 17/06/2019 19:02

Do I walk away and risk losing that person I’ve been seeking for so long and just have a baby with the next because that’s one thing I’ve always wanted? (Because I can guarantee that’s what will happen)
How can you guarantee that will happen? You seem very black and white in your thinking.

He reassured me that he will make sure that life will always be happy and he’ll always make sure I don’t feel like I’m missing out on not having a child.
That's just nuts, no-one can promise that.

It's all very high-stakes, high drama, isn't it? Very fast declarations of love and commitment and future together (often red flags) and then a sudden 180 on his part, accompanied by guarantees he can't possibly make.

You really need to take a good few steps back and reassess what you're doing here.

MamaOfBothTeams · 17/06/2019 19:10

If you want children and he doesn't want more than you need to walk away as you won't be content, at least he's told you though so you can make up your mind

Piggle23 · 17/06/2019 19:15

At least he is telling you early on, I know it still must hurt but 4 months isn't too long in.

SignedUpJust4This · 17/06/2019 19:39

If you really want a child and compromise for his benefit the resentment will destroy your relationship.

MMmomDD · 17/06/2019 19:48

You didn’t know you were the Ones on the second date...
You just had a strong attraction and both wanted to find the One..
You clearly don’t know each other, yet. It’s only been 4 months.

Do not sacrifice your desire to have a child for a man you barely know. This relationship may or may not last. Love - even if it’s love - doesn’t conquer all...
And in a few years it will be too late for you to have a kid.
So - in other words:
NO man, absolutely NO man is worth giving up having children for.
And - he is being selfish.
He told you what you wanted to hear. And then...

RiversDisguise · 17/06/2019 20:00

He reassured me that he will make sure that life will always be happy

He's already made you unhappy by lying then pulling the rug away four months in.

I take it he's been a poor father to his existing kids? You can do a lot better, OP.

cherrytreecandy · 17/06/2019 20:19

this sounds like a road to resentment and/or sadness on both parts. Having children or not is black or white. He is being honest and telling you his feelings on this now. You are throwing away a lot for a four month relationship. Don't waste your time, when you could have children with someone who does want them.

Treesthemovie · 17/06/2019 20:22

Have you tried to get pregnant before/gone off contraception during previous relationships?

thegirlracer · 17/06/2019 20:24

OP, I can only give you an opinion based on my own personal experience.

The first time I ever saw my baby at my first scan, let me tell you this;

No man on earth has ever given me a feeling even remotely close to how I felt the day I set eyes on my son. (And I was really very deeply in love with my baby’s father at the time).

There is no greater love than what you have for your child.

So I would say walk. Men have the potential to come in and out of your life at anytime. You will have your child forever.

NataliaOsipova · 17/06/2019 20:24

Do I walk away and risk losing that person I’ve been seeking for so long and just have a baby with the next because that’s one thing I’ve always wanted?

Yes. Well, not necessarily just with the next, but with someone who wants to have children with you. If having a child is something you’ve always wanted, then do not give that up for anyone....

testingtesting111 · 17/06/2019 20:27

If it's a dealbreaker for you walk away. He cannot assure you you will not miss not having kids. In all probability as you get older and the relationship isn't so new / in the honeymoon phase you'll end up resenting him. What else is he going to unilaterally move goal posts on?

PerfectPeony2 · 17/06/2019 20:27

Walk away. You have plenty of time to meet someone else and you will love your child more than you care about this man. It doesn’t even compare! Don’t give up on your dream.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/06/2019 20:29

There is no compromise to be had, there is no
point sticking around if you want different things.

newmomof1 · 17/06/2019 20:44

If you want children and he doesn't you have a choice: walk away and lose him OR stay and forever resent him for not giving you the one thing you want more than anything.

Let me tell you, though, there is nothing more magical than creating your own tiny human. I would choose my baby every time.

HorridHenrysNits · 17/06/2019 20:57

It's only been 4 months and you're not on the same page for anything long term. Just give it up, move on and be glad you had a great time together.

Original poster

Beeeeleeee · 17/06/2019 21:02

Wow, thank you everyone for all your replies and advice, it’s an extremely overwhelming time at the moment. I am not ready to make a decision yet so I’ve told him I need time to think and see if the relationship grows stronger. You all have really good points, just a massively confused mess here.

OP posts:

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